The following reading may not be suitable for children:

I will sum up the whole gist of this post with a big WTF?!!! That is my current dominant thought. WTF! So today my boss (very sweet lady. reminds me of my mom) says that she and I need to have a "meeting". Great! A meeting. I missed work all last week because I had food poisoning so at this point I'm sure that I'm getting in trouble. In fact, I was sure I was getting fired. A whole bunch of stuff went on last week in my office and I feared that I was going to be the fall guy. In fact it would not have surprised me for one moment if I had been fired. But that was not the case. This meeting was supposed to be at 2pm. So all day I got to sit at my desk and do my work just knowing that my pink slip was prepared and just waiting to be handed to me. It did not make for a good morning. So eventually this meeting time rolls around. It appears serious as someone actually comes up to cover my desk and my boss closes the door with us in her office. That door never ever closes. Great. She seemed a little nervous to talk to me. She is one of those really nice ladies that never wants to discuss something negative. Ok...pause...this is where you need background info. For the last 6 weeks or so I have felt very uncomfortable at work. I work in a small office and their are cliques and such. Everyone has been there a long time and I'm walking into a tightly knit office. I have always been very friendly to everyone as I am just generally a nice person. Can anyone think of someone that I have been mean to? No. Why? Because I am NOT mean. I'm a kind person who wears her heart on her sleeve and is always nice to everyone. I've been uncomfortable because in spite of my niceness the majority of my office has just put up a wall and shut me out. I will try to talk to people and have everyday conversation and they basically roll their eyes at me and walk away. Yet I continue to be nice and make an effort. So Unpause.....back to my boss's office. She says to me, "This is not a formal thing, it's not an evaluation or official anything. I just wanted to talk to you about some things." Then she goes on to tell me that 5 or 6 employees have said to her that I am not nice, very unfriendly and kind of rude. This is where the WTF part comes in. I am in utter shock!!! First I cried. Yeah, I know...so not grown up and very unprofessional, but she touched on a nerve as this issue has been bothering me. She said she was kind of confused because she hears me when people come into the office or call and I'm always very kind and joke with them and make conversation. She gives several examples of times she has seen me make an effort with people etc. I looked at my kind boss and replied, "Excuse me but this is the biggest load of bs I've ever heard. I have been nothing but nice to everyone in this office. I have put out my best effort to make friends and talk with people but the majority of the people here want nothing to do with me." Then I gave several (maybe 10) examples of times that I tried to approach people and was completely shut down. The good news is that my boss was on my side and saw my point of view. She said that yes these people were not being nice and perhaps it was they that needed to make the effort. I told her it sounded like they hadn't actually lodged a complaint with her but just said an off the cuff office gossip type remark. Yeah, she agreed. Then I got really mad. I told her that the thing that irritated me the most about this entire conversation was that we are all adults and instead of these people saying something to me about it THEY WENT TO MY BOSS. They went to my boss over a petty caddy little personal issue. I told her that if any of these people (whom I still don't know who they are, but I have a good idea) had said anything at all to me that I had just seemed unfriendly to them to would have promptly apologized because I would never have done that on purpose. If I had purposely done something with malicious intent I can understand why it would be neccessary to go to my boss, but over something so petty and ridiculous? Give me a break. You think that when you graduate high school that you can finally leave all the jr high/high school drama type stuff behind, but then you become and adult and realize that a vast majority of "grown-ups" still act like that. It just makes me want to give out spankings. I am so completely floored over this situation. I mean, are you kidding me? No really, seriously, you have to be joking. What a waste of my afternoon. I even told my boss that I would bet anything that these people that said these things are probably women in their 30's and 40's. I don't want to stereotype here, but I guess I am anyway. For some reason women in that age range just don't like me. I don't know if it's because I'm younger or what, but they aren't my biggest fans. She said I was right, that they are. Yep. (Here's the part where my boss story ends and I just vent everything I have to say into my blog.) I'm sorry if I'm in my 20s and you are not. I'm sorry if I take pride in my appearance and wear nice clothes and spend money to have my hair done. I'm sorry if I carry myself with confidence (not arrogance, just being sure of myself). I'm sorry if I have had 2 children and do not weigh 300 lbs like you think I should. I'm sorry if I'm married, have children and DO NOT SUCK. I'm sorry if I'm super fun and you are not. I'm sorry if you have nothing better to do than be intimidated by me or jealous of me because I have nice clothes and a nice family and a nice outlook. I'm sorry if you have a problem with me because I have been nice to you when you don't deserve. Well, actually I'm not sorry at all. I'm am just a nice lady, who makes an effort to be kind to everyone, and has been fortunate and blessed enough to have a family that loves me and a few nice belongings. If you are so miserable that you can't accept someone that is genuinely kind to you and happens to be in a nice place in life then you can just go suck it! I will not be miserable because you gossip. I will not be intimidated because you say unkind things to my boss. You will not make me uncomfortable in my own office anymore. It's not up to you where I work, how I work or whether I stay at my job. I work there, so do you, if you can't deal with me then stay the hell out of my way. Otherwise you might have the unfortunate experience of me asking you how your day was or if you had a nice holiday. Love me or leave me alone. I run this ship, don't make me throw you overboard.

So there you have it. That was my wonderful day at work today. With that being said...good riddance to the poo poo year I've had in 2007. May 2008 be a better year!

2007 In Review:

This has been a year of tremendous loss and tremendous growth. I have confronted several issues both in the world and inside myself. I guess all one can hope for in any given year is to learn some new things. I have certainly done that this year.

In 2007 we lost Chris's grandfather. He was a strong man who had lived a long life. He had some of the most interesting stories about surviving WWII or growing up during the depression. His hands had weathered many years of hard labor. He had seen things that no one should have to see. He was an example of what all man can endure and still come out with a kind and generous heart. His trials did not harden him, but made him more thankful for every blessing he had. He had a passion for life that was inspiring.

We also lost one of our very best friends this year in May. I had no idea how much this one event would change my life, but it did nonetheless. Derrick was the kind of guy that would give you everything he had even if he had nothing. He never wanted to inconvenience anyone. He was always the first person to say he was sorry if anything went wrong. From the day I met him, he never treated me like I was Myers girlfriend/wife. We had a friendship of our own. I have so many good memories of Derrick and the times we had together. Like most of the people who have been a part of my life for the last 8 years he came as part of a package deal. I didn't just get Chris. I got Chris and all his childhood friends. 8 years ago I would have never guessed how thankful I would be to have them all. When Derrick died the world stood still for the first time in a very very long time. Losing a such a good friend in such a tragic way has changed the way I look at almost everything. If I can say that anything good has come from losing a friend it's that I will never again make the mistake of not noticing what's going on around me. I will miss Derrick forever and I hope the lesson of losing him stays with me just as long. I would give anything to be able to change the way things turned out with him. I also vowed to always be a better friend.

The most important thing that has happened in my life this year is that life has slowed down. I really took the time to get my priorities in order. I did a lot of soul searching, a lot of praying, and a lot of growing up. I learned how devasting it can be to have toxic people in my life, and how rewarding it can be to cut them out. It's hard to just kick people out of your life, but sometimes it's just for the greater good. I embraced the fact that my family is my biggest passion and searched for ways to strengthen my part as a wife, mother, daughter, niece, cousin, etc. Nothing is more important to me than my family and I want every ounce of my life to contribute to that. I also saw a very protective and somewhat ugly side of myself when I felt as though my family was threatened. For a moment in my life I felt capable of really horrible behavior to protect everything I love. Now I know why it's so much more dangerous to encounter wild animals in the woods when it's a mother with her babies. What I lack in muscle I could have made up for in heart. LOL.

Life has moved so fast over the last decade that I cut corners almost everywhere in my life. I recognize the repercussions of that now. There is no substitute for slowing down enough to do things right the first time around. I was able to spend some extra time with my children this year while I spent some time enjoying unemployment. My children taught me more about myself in 6 months than I could have ever imagined. They forced me to really look at myself, my behavior, my thoughts, my attitude, and how it effects those around me. I had to confront some ugly things about myself, which was hard, but hopefully it made me a better person and a better mother. My children are the greatest treasure I could have ever recieved. I am so thankful for them and the innocent beauty they bring to my life. They are growing so fast! They are growing faster than I can grow with them!

2007 has been quite a year inside my head. I don't feel at all that I am the same person I was when the year started. It just feels like I'm looking at the world through different eyes. I'm happy. My family is happy. My husband and children love me. I really couldn't ask for more. The best piece of advice I received this year was, "Be still and listen." The whole world can change if you stand still for just a moment. The voice God put inside my heart is louder than ever and I'm learning to listen. So all in all, I'm thankful for everything I learned this year. I will always miss the loved ones we lost in 2007 but I'm thankful for the time I was able to share with them. I hope in 2008 I can continue my journey of personal growth and remain truly aware of who I am and how I effect others in my life. Hopefully I will move the people I love in positive ways. I still say I was intended to be a hippie just born a little too late. :)

Jackpot

How did I get so lucky? I owe God a big one for giving me these two. :) I love my children.

Christmas, Christmas and more Christmas

You know what I love about Christmas? Letting people I know what their presents are and then taunting them about what it might be. LOL. This has been my favorite game for as long as I can remember. I remember living in Spring, Texas standing outside my mother's closet teasing her about what her present was. When we lived in Spring I was about 5. It's not the politest game in the world but it sure is FUN!!!!

Now on the other hand I'm being a total lamo for Christmas this year. Caden has been super sick with his worst ear infection ever this last week. I missed 4 days of work. We still don't know if there is damage to his eardrum yet. We have to go back and see. Anyway, now I'm sick. I'm dragging on to work because I only showed up one day last week. I don't get paid again until Thursday..........so my shopping has not yet begun. It will start promptly at 5:30 pm Thursday evening and then continue Friday evening. That is all the time I have folks. My inlaw Christmas is Saturday and my family Christmas is Sunday. So if I got your name, guess what? You are getting a super sucky rotten thoughtless present. LOL. OK, maybe not. I have put a good deal of thought into our gifts I just have limited time to get from store to store. I work very near Penn Square so maybe I can sneak in some lunch time shopping. Of course the one time I tried that before (there was an awesome boot sale in Macy's) I got sucked in and lost track of time and went back 15 minutes late. They really don't care about that if it's every now and then but still I'm not trying to get fired. I just can't resist going into every store. An hour just isn't long enough. I like to enjoy my shopping. Well, it's kid free shopping though so it will be enjoyed nonetheless

At the moment Chris is quizzing me on what his presents are. I'm lying about every hint. LMAO. I love Christmas.

Have a beautiful day!

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY GRANDMA

Please keep my grandma Irene in your prayers. This woman is amazing and inspirational and the perfect example of how a life should be lived. Yesterday morning she fell and broke her hip. Mom and I (and the rest of the family) spent the day at Shawnee hospital. Grandma had surgery this morning. She is expected to be in the hospital for 3-5 days. Then they will move her to another facility that is more like a rehab center. She will be there for 6 weeks. I don't know if grandma can handle being away from her home for 6 weeks. The main concern is that she does not develop pneumonia after surgery. The doctor said that 30% of older patients that break their hip die post surgery bc they get pnuemonia and can't overcome it. They have her on a respirator to minimize the risk of catching it. Nevertheless, she is in a lot of pain. Yesterday I saw my grandma cry for the first time. Jeanie and I were the only ones in the room. Grandma started crying and said, "I'm just a big baby." I promptly told her that she was not a baby and she's the strongest person I know. I told her she would be just fine and we would all get her thru it. She had 54 people in the waiting room 54 people!!! And those were all just children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. I lost count when her friends started showing up. So please pray for my grandma so that she may have some comfort and a speedy recovery. It would be much appreciated.

I am a quote junkie

I love quotes. Anywhere is a good spot for a quote. Esp a blog. :) (Courtesy of one of my favorite stores Successories)

"Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

"The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude."

"Excellence is never an accident, it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intellegent direction, skillful execution and the vision to see obstacles as opportunities."

"The desire to grow is powerful and natural. Find the courage to sacrifice what you are for what you could become."

"When the path appears, don't hesitate. Start where you are and take what you have. Thoughyou may not know exactly where the road will lead, be asured that you are already prepared for the journey."

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes thisday will be gone forever; in it's place is something you left behind. Let it be something good."

"Passion: There are many things in life that will capture your eye, but very few will capture your heart. These are the ones to pursue. These are the ones worth keeping."

"Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE

"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house that I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be a different place because I was important in the life of a child."

Things I learned today at the OU game.......

1. Your husband can complain about taking the trash outside when it's cold but he will stand in the snow and wind for hours watching a football game and if you dare peep that you might be cold you will promptly be told to suck it up!

2. Your husband may not cry at his parent or grandparents funeral as to appear strong and "together" but no man can make it thru a touching football opening game ceremony without weeping like a baby.

3. It never gets old hearing 10's of thousands of people in a packed stadium singing the national anthem all together.

4. You are never too old to make an ass of yourself in public by drinking too much and falling down. (not me. some old men i observed at the game. they were at least 65)

5. I can never go anywhere without running into someone that my husband knows somehow. I have no anonymity at all.

6. Being outrageous is not an attribute of youth. I saw plenty of outrageous older women today with excessive fur coats, ridiculous hats and heels so tall that they were in another altitude.

7. Apparently red pimp hats with yellow feathers sticking out can be worn by middle aged white men too. Who woulda thought?

8. No matter how close you think you parked to the stadium when you walk out of the game it's 4x as far as you remembered.

9. I'm addicted to run on setences. They are my favorite.

And this should sum up most of my sooner experience today. I will be defrosting myself for the remainder of the evening.

#2 for the day.......I guess I'm especially pensive today

The second post in one day. I hope my few and far between fellow bloggers can keep up. LOL. JK. It’s been a very quiet day at work. There are only 3 of us in the office. The phone hasn’t rang. The door hasn’t opened. I have a little work to do but I’m kind of dragging it out. I also brought a book with me today to inspire a little motivation. I love reading books and don’t get to read often enough. I just happened to read a passage that related directly to the post I created this morning before I ever even opened the book.

“I want my children and grandchildren to think of me as someone other than a worn-out woman. I want them to look back and see a loving person who always had time for them, who made a difference for Christ in the world, who spent her short time on earth doing something that mattered.”

I agree with the woman who wrote these words. I want my children to feel that I always have time for them. I think it’s time to rid myself of the “ups” syndrome. Fed up, hurrying up, and catching up. I am at least one of these ups at any given time. How sad. As children we grow up with these big dreams of what our lives will be like when we are grown. None of my dreams included any “ups”. As a teenager it feels like ahead is a wonderful adventure full of freedom and choices and joy. I don’t think that is naïve dreaming. After all that is what most people dream for. So it must make some sense somewhere along the line. I’m on a mission to prove that being grown up doesn’t have to suck. Grown UP does not = fed up, hurried up, catching up. Not too long ago Beth lended me some wise advice to just stop and listen so I could hear what the Lord was trying to tell me. I think he’s saying “Slow down!” Life really is a gift. I know that there is a lot of hard work to be done to succeed at certain things, but life should be enjoyed too. I suppose that if letting the house go from time to time will provide my children with the experience to feel that I always have time for them then that’s just what it will be. They might think, “Mom always has time for me, but her house is messy.” But that’s okay. One day they’ll have to learn to balance life too and might skip cleaning a few times too. :)

She has no space left in her day for Him, much less for following where He might lead.

My days are full of things that I do not want to do. I do not want to go to work today, but I am here because I have to be. I do not want to clean the kitchen or mop the floor or scrub the walls or vacuum the carpet or clean the bathrooms and bedrooms, and do laundry. Nor do I want to pick up toys, wash dishes, put all the kid movies strewn about back together and away, take out the trash, cook dinner, and set the alarm for early tomorrow to do it all over again. But, all these things must be done and someone has to do it. Somehow that someone became ME! Why did I get chosen? So far the only concrete reason I can come up with is simply because I have a vagina. I often wonder why women’s lives are so full of chores and tasks that we do not want to do. It seems very sad to me that for most of us our whole lives are whittled away by unhappy necessities and over commitments. Should doing something that I actually enjoy really have to be a “treat”? The hardest part of this for me to swallow is that to get all of these before mentioned things accomplished I have to sacrifice the quality of my relationship with others. When I come home from work and my son is begging me to play playdoh with him at the table and I have to keep putting him off because I’m elbow deep in dish water and the table is too much of a mess for him to even have space to roll playdoh I begin to feel defeated. My children will only be small for a blink of time. Are the dishes really that important? Well, if I want to keep bugs and yucky stuff out of my house then yes they are important, but how do you measure that against your own child? I have tried to convince myself that I enjoy and love housework. I’ve tried to delight in my chores. So far I haven’t fallen for it. And for the life of me I can not figure out how the house gets so messy! If I go to work then come home, don’t dare sit down when I walk in, get straight to work and do nothing but work and clean all night until I go to bed then it should be clean the next morning right? Bahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I think there is something wrong with the way that most adult women live today. This overly praised women’s liberation movement came about and while the work place adjusted to include women, the rest of women’s life did not adjust to make place for work and home and family. Any stay at home wife or mother will tell you that it is a full time job. Most say it’s the hardest job in world. My personal experience would back up that theory, but to each their own. So now with the way the financial world is I’m expected to work outside of the home and society pretty much expects me to work outside of the home also. Then I clock out, drive home and try to cram another full time job into the space of a few hours? And if there are any errands to be run then go ahead and scratch off getting anything at home done. And I won’t even attempt to discuss finding time to go back to school.

I blog about this frustration often but I never seem to make any progress with this issue. Now there are women out there that would have us to believe that this is not only possible but a joy. Or that is the perception we get anyway. What these women aren’t telling you is that they harbor a despair that says, “I have no time left for me. I have no time left for peace or prayer. I have given so much of myself to everything else that I have long since given up on reaching for hope or happiness.” A lot of these “do it all supermoms” are just bodies walking around with broken insides. I really resent them too because this perception they put out in the world is that this can be done and it isn’t a problem to do so. I wasted a few years of my life believing this concept was attainable and reasonable. Now I just laugh at the thought. YET, I still keep trying to get everything done everyday. As much as I realize that this is silliness and verbally acknowledge it I still try to do it. Talk about banging your head against a brick wall. Something has to be done about this. The world has to recognize that there is a majority of women out there trying to be everything to everyone and promptly adjust their expectations. So supermoms out there…give it up. All you are doing is lying about how things really are and making the realistic ones of us out there look bad. LOL. And please, I am not lazy. Yes, I like naps, but I am not lazy. I’m honest. I could pretend that this is realistic but then I would have broken insides too, and that is not suitable for me. I work either at my job or my home from the second I wake up until far after I should be asleep. I don’t even sit down when I come home from my job. Not even for a few minutes. The most I do is check my myspace for a few seconds and get straight to the chores. It is such ridiculousness that life should be so crowded. I have a family for a reason. That reason is so that I can love them and ENJOY them. What is the point of having relationships if you can’t enjoy them? What is the point of having a home if there is no time left to hang your hat there and rest? What, I ask you, is the point of this madness!!!! Expectations are a sneaky little devil. We don’t think about our expectations that often but they are always there in everything we do. What good does it do me to have a clean home if my children are sad I can’t play with them and my husband is so used to my pleas (otherwise known as nagging) to get up and help me get this stuff done so I can sit down too that he no longer even hears the sound of my voice!? Maybe someday my self inflicted OCD will take a backseat and I will be able to look at my messy livingroom and disasterous kitchen and think, “House, you will not taunt me today. My children are fed and clothed and time has been spent reading books together and playing games. Bedtime songs have been sung with prayers thereafter, and while I prop my feet atop this giant pile of unfolded laundry I say this is a good day!” The exhausted spirit in every wife and mother whether working or not or young or old needs to stop accepting a mediocre quality of life and relationship and make some “Me Time”. Let’s uncrowd our schedules, stop worry about what needs to be done and pay attention to what needs to be LIVED!

This is my dad

God bless his velcro shoes and puffy hat! How could you not love him? I'm thankful that this is my dad. He's smart, kind, and a fortress of patience and understanding. Most people don't get to see the real Joe. I'm glad that as I became an adult my father became one of my best friends. This picture is a perfect reflection of who my dad is to me.

You know what?

I have spent the whole day crying about my grandma. She is weak and suffering and I will lose her soon. Her brother passed away and today was his funeral. I couldn't be there with her because I'm only 1 1/2 weeks into my new job. They said I could go, but with my grandma being so bad I thought I had better save the leave in case I need it for her. I've been so sad all day. She forgot who I was which nearly killed me. She keeps asking to "go home". My grandma is my hero. She is a woman who refuses to accept weakness and has never allowed herself to be so. Now she is so weak and fragile and there is nothing she can do about it. She would rather go on to meet the Lord than to live this way. She misses my grandpa. This day has sucked and then sucked some more. I feel guilty for not being at that funeral with her. I feel guilty for not even being there to give her a hug. She is one of the most important people in my life and I am not sure what I will do without her. Sad songs kept coming on the radio at work. There was this one country song (I don't normally listen to country unless I'm a little depressed) about this old woman in a nursing home and her daughter went buy to brush her hair and remind her that she is someone's hero. Waterworks. Everyone at my new job thought I was a basketcase today. I should have just left rather to appear crazy. Anyway, I moment ago I was looking at my myspace page and noticed the Daily Bible Verse I have on it. It was the right verse for the right moment and made my heart a little lighter. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

So there you have it people. Be strong and courageous. The Lord is with you. Even on a weepy sad day when your heart breaks for someone you love. There's always a reason. There's a plan bigger than we can see. The Lord knows when her time is right and he already just told me that I have no reason to be afraid because he is holding my hand. Yours too.

FYI

Hello to all my readers! LOL. All 3 of you! Just in case you were wondering I love my new job. I was irritated with the lady that was training me but she IS really nice. I feel bad for giving her a hard time (well I didn't to her face). She is very kind and reminds me a lot of my mom. Today I got to work on my own all day. The 3 days I was there last week she and I worked together all day. But I catch on pretty quickly and today they turned me loose. I did a great job. I was 30 minutes late to work though. Arg!!! I got stuck behind a 6 car pile up and it took me an hour and 10 minutes to get there. I called to let them know and they were pretty cool about it. I guess half my office got stuck in the same traffic jam so it wasn't such a big deal. At the end of the day I stayed 30 minutes late to make up the time and they kept trying to shoo me out the door. They would say, "You better go so you can get ahead of the traffic" or "You better get home to those babies of yours!" I insisted on staying though. It's only my 4th day and I was already severely late. I wasn't about to leave without making up my time. After all I have a 90 day probation period to complete. Anyway, my job is going well. I like all the people in the office. Everyone is very friendly and has gone out of their way to get to know me. I'm not shy and that helps alot. I just talk to whoever is next to me about whatever I'm thinking of at the moment. I fit in well there. Which I was really nervous about that before. Anyway all is good in the world of Sara.

I'm reading a great book. It's called "The Worn Out Woman". Synopsis: For the woman with a full life and an empty spirit. It has a lot of good information in it. There are some tips I've found to be helpful. There are also a lot of references to scriptures that can be encouraging when we get weary. It has excerpts of other women's stories too. It's a great read. So if you find yourself overwhelmed seeking this elusive "balance" that life is supposed to have check it out. I impusively bought it because the title appealed to me. It's turned out to be a much better book than I anticipated. Because really.......I have 3 children (27, 4 and 2) a house to clean, laundry to do, a dog to walk and care for, a mom to look after when dad is gone, a mom in law with alzheimers who is getting into the latter stages, and a host of friends to keep in touch with. However I find that the energy doesn't drain quite so quickly when my soul is full. For a while there all I could say to God was, "There is a hole in the bottom of my soul and my all my energy is draining straight out the bottom. So Lord patch the hole and fill me up!" Now I'm beginning to feel full again! It's been a great last week or two. So yay for me.

I'm looking forward to seeing Phil and Jackie next week. So far I know that David and Shirley are coming to the birthday party. If anyone else is coming let me know. I could use a head count for cake purposes. I hope you all come. I would love to see you. And as an added bonus I'm sure I can get my children to make you smile. :)

Have a great week everyone! I love you all!

There is always a paper trail

My new job is going well. The lady who is training me and will subsequently be my boss is a dimmly lit bulb. I can't tell who is training whom. LOL. She's very messy and unorganized. It's driving me crazy. The desk we are at is like a paper swamp. I feel like I'm caught in a pit of quicksand, but it's paper I'm sinking into. At least she can half way function on the computer.

Caden's birthday is in 10 days. It doesn't seem like it's been 4 years already. He's such a little ball of sunshine all the time. I'm happy he's mine.

Macy has begun popping her little hip out to the side and strategically placing her hand on her outward hip when she is making a point. Then she points her finger toward you authoritatively. It's quite amusing. I can see the strong little woman in her already. I have to hold onto my hat with her. I'm glad she's mine too.

Roodle Toodle

Well, I'm a little nervous about starting my new job. A few of you have asked so here are the details. I will be working for a land company that deals mostly with oil and mineral rights. So I will be able to put some of my real estate classes to use. I really wanted to do real estate until I got half way thru the classes. It's not very encouraging when your teacher says to never ever ever show a house alone. They all said to always take someone with you whether it be a parter or a friend or family member etc. Then like 7 teachers started sharing their MANY stories off all these times they nearly got raped or kidnapped etc. Wow. Why would I want that job now? Who just has friends or family that can drop things at a moments notice to show houses with you? And who wants to be scared everytime you try to sell a house that you might get murdered or something. In fact while I was in class the director came in and said that there was a breaking news story that some guy had just been captured that killed 5 real estate agents in TX. Apparently he lived in Arkansas, had a real estate deal go bad, lost a bunch of money, and went psycho. He got in his car drove to TX and took several people out to "show him houses" and they never returned. He killed 5 people that had absolutely nothing to do with what had happened to him. The only link was their job title. And then they went into the whole thing of be careful what picture you put of yourself on your business cards because the pervs out there really pick up on the people that have the "glamour shot" type photos promoting themselves. I'm not saying that I am anything special, however I am a young woman in my 20's and that alone is a reason to be cautious of people. Women are specifically targeted sometimes just based on color or age. You don't neccessarily have to be pretty. And people never take me seriously. So do I feel like I could be targeted? Of course. Anyhow this company I'm going to work for will let me use some of that knowledge without having to show houses or put myself in any danger. That is a relief. This work environment will be very different for me. When I worked for head start I was the youngest by 20 years and it was an office of all women. When I worked at Cox I mostly worked with people my own age. People did do their jobs but a lot of the time it was just like hanging out. At this new company the people are different. They are all super educated and very professional. They all seemed very kind. It's a small office so their is contact with everyone. I'm afraid that I'm not grown up enough to hang with them. LOL. I got the feeling that these people are there do their job. They work hard, but seem mellow. I guess it's just more professional than any of the other job situations I've been in. I guess we'll see how it goes. I've started digging out all my professional clothes to be taken to the dry cleaners. It's been a while since I've had to wear heels and slacks every day. I will be missing my jeans and tshirts. And def missing my beloved flip flops. The company has offices in 5 other states and there are 7 other offices in Oklahoma. So even though it's a small office I'm in, it is a decent size company. I did giggle in my head at the interview when they asked me if I had any moral opposition to doing a personal errand or two for some of the managers or the president when he's in OK. I asked, "Well, what type of personal errands?" I'm thinking I'm not picking up your dry cleaning or doing your grocery shopping. LOL. They said, "Oh well sometimes someone might ask you to get online and order them NFL tickets or something." This is when my intermonolouge burst into laughter. Oh my. What a moral conflict I would have with that. Ha ha. HR people can be funny. What a silly question that was. I suppose I should be greatful though. They didn't ask me any brainbusters. Anyhow, wish me luck. I'm nervous but I always excel in my job positions. There is room to move up too. They are expanding and adding offices etc. So if I work hard for the next 6 months or so I could have some good opportunities headed my way. That's all for now. I should be cleaning my house right now but that sounds soooooooo unappealing. You know what the best part of going back to work is? I'm going to make Chris do chores! LOL. I have a maniacal plan to turn him into a self sufficient human being. I might need prayers to succeed with this plan though! :)

I'm on fire

It's awfully hot today with myself being on fire and all. LOL. Today is a good day. I got a job. YAY for money. Boo for missing my children. But YAY for money. Then I finally completed a dvd that I have been making for my mother in law for almost a year now. Okay, okay........I probably skipped about 8 months worth of work on it during this year...but the point is that my movie is burning to DVD as we speak/type. I'm proud of it. It's one of those super sappy highlight videos that includes every picture they own from wedding to babies to marrying off their children. I made sure to put some good tear jerker music in there. :) It's just not a highlight video if someone doesn't cry! I feel slightly maniacal saying that just now. Really it's just a heartfelt gesture to help her remember her past and people in her life when the alzheimers starts getting a bit more advanced. But most importantly I got a job. I don't want a job. The only job I ever wanted is wife/mommy, however the pay for it really sucks. :( Okay, emotional pay is worth millions but it doesn't pay for clothes and food. :) So hurray for my good day. I'd like to go take a shower but I'm not sure I'd like the fire to go out! LOL.

DBV

I am beginning to dislike Oreo's

Oreo's. Children love them. They are perfect with milk. They are fun to take apart and lick the icing. HOWEVER...as a mother I have decided I dislike Oreo's. If any of the crumbs become slightly soggy, which children have a talent for doing, the little tiny dark brown crumbs stick to my kitchen tile with a vengance. Mopping is not one of my favorite things to do. Especially in this house. While our ceramic tile looks very nice it is high maintenance. Getting the grout clean is a chore. A regular mop won't do the job. We even have a special ceramic tile cleaner that looks like a small vaccuum. If you push it with one side it vaccuums flip it and it works somewhat like a carpet shampoo machine. I've been thru machines and mops and so far the thing that works best is a $5 sponge mop from Dollar General. Go figure. Anyway, after sweeping and mopping my floor last night I spent another 20 minutes on my knees picking off little oreo crumbs with my fingernails. And of course today what do my children want for an after school snack? OREO'S!!! YAYYYY!!! Perhaps I will just start buying the vanilla ones. Now what do I do with the rest of my Sam's jumbo pack of chocolate oreo's? LOL. I love my children. I dislike their cookies! If ever I choose a new tile for my kitchen it will not be a light off white color. And the grout will be very dark on purpose! :)

Birthday plans

I'm getting started on ideas for Caden's birthday party. I am soooo not domestic when it comes to things like this. It would be easier if we knew more children. Only two of our friends have children and they only get them every other weekend so I'm not sure if their weekend coincides with his birthday. There is a really great park on SW 119th and Portland. It's called South Lakes. It was built in 2005 so all of the equipment is new and it's very clean and nice. It's a little bit out of the way so it's never very crowded. It's a really nice park. They have 15 or so soccer fields and a basketball court. They even have fishing ponds. There are 3 seperate play areas divided by age appropriateness. I was thinking that if the weather is nice possibly having it there and doing a cookout. There is plenty of room for the FEW kids to run and play and the pavillion area is really nice. November is pretty iffy with weather though. When Caden was born everyone came to the hospital in shorts and t-shirts. He's had a cold birthday too. There is just no way of telling what the Oklahoma weather will be like that time of year. Most likely we will just end up having a simple little party at home. Our house is so small though. I guess if it's at home the neighborhood kids can come play. Maybe I'll get fancy and send out invitations this time instead of just putting up a blog invite. Then everyone will know for sure that they are welcome to attend. I keep asking him what he wants for his birthday and he always says, "Toys, cake and clothes." I think it's strange for a little boy to ask for clothes or his birthday but what can I say? The kid likes looking good. LOL. It's hard not to be beautiful with all that hair he's got. :) One thing is for sure. No more incredible pizza birthdays for awhile! That place makes me crazy! The internet is not that helpful for ideas either. Everything I can find is for big groups of kids. Nothing on a room full of adults + 2 kids. Well, I'm sure I'll figure something out. It will probably just be easiest to stay home and cram everyone into my tiny house. Maybe we will cook some burgers or something too. It all depends on the FOOTBALL SCHEDULE. I find that during football season I should just go ahead and plan my entire life around game time. Ugh. Really? I'm sorry son, we can't have your party today there is a football game. Ridiculous!

On a side note, I am in love with Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. They are the best cleaning gadget ever invented. All that baseboard grime and wall splatter I mentioned a while back is history with those things. It even gets crayon off in one swipe. Which is great because when I emptied out my bedroom to make way for the new furniture I discovered that the kids had gotten behind the desk and stamped bright purple ink all over the wall. I have a stationary stamp with my name on it and I found lovely little Sara's all over the wall. I guess it's okay in case I forget who I am. :)

New furniture

I got new bedroom furniture. I'm soo excited about it! I don't think I have ever had a full matching bedroom suit. I'm much more motivated to keep my room clean now! )

When did I quit breathing? Part 2

I can't sleep. I've been lying here thinking about when it was that life started standing still and I was tossed head first into this "review". I stopped working in March. I'm sure that has something to do with it. Being a working mother is completely different than being a stay at home mother. It was a while yet before life got extra emotional. Aha. In May one of our best friends died. The grief that comes along with losing someone so close to you on account that they chose themselves to leave the world (I am not yet able to confront the word "suicide") is wholly different than losing someone to an accident or health, etc. There is such an intense anger and personal guilt that comes along with that kind of grief. I think that is when I started looking around again. Amid all those questions of "Why didn't I see that coming?" "What should or could I have done differently that would have prevented this?" "What kind of friend am I for not seeing that something was that desperately wrong?" It's an experience that can certainly throw anyone into an emotional tailspin. I made a pact with myself to pay more attention to what's going on around me and how my behavior affects other people or doesn't affect other people, for that matter. As a group of friends we made a pact to take better care of each other. I think this is when I started searching. I find that while I'm going thru the things in my head that I want/need to address about my "who i am right now" my friend often comes to mind. I think my grief and my soul searching have intertwined or set each other off or just taken over. Why on earth would I work thru something like my soul journey or my grief journey where anyone can read it? I don't know. I have to have an outlet somewhere. Isn't this something that is more of a quiet, private thing? Blah. I've never been very quiet. I talk too much too often and am aware of it. I've never been very private either. I don't like having secrets. Well, if they are your secrets you can bet your life that I will keep my mouth shut. I don't like having secrets of my own. It makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed of or I'm hiding something. That's an icky feeling. I try to eliminate as much ickyness as I can. So, if you don't care to get personal then don't read. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. And I'm okay with that.

It feels good to have at least an idea of what set this whole thing off. You never know. I thought that maybe I was unhappy about something that I wasn't yet aware of or something. I was getting paranoid about everything. Is my marriage stable? Am I a bad mom? Have I just screwed everything up to the point that I am standing here wondering what has happened here? No. It's nice to have answered those horrible questions. I started searching for answers to some incredibly difficult questions concerning my friend and like most everything I start...went off on a tangent. There is alot concerning my deceased friend that I am not yet ready to face. I can't face "the word". There is an incredible stigma that goes with that word and I just can't attach that to my friend. But I am ready to face myself. So at least I can feel good about that. I just feel like I need to know what's going on around me. I need to be aware of the people in my life. I need to put out as much as I can for the people I love. I don't ever want to feel like a crappy friend again. I don't want to feel like I could have loved someone more or been there more. I don't want to speed past people including myself. I'm honestly trying to fulfill that too. I wrote my grandma Irene that letter. I drove to Norman and visited grandma Euletta today...for the first time ever. I want to learn something from what I've been thru this year that will help me feel like even though something really bad happened I learned a lesson and put it to good use. The pain I have in my heart for my friend isn't just here to torture me. It's trying to tell me something. I've figured out part of the message but I still have a long way to go.

Stupid chores

Seems like every time I turn around I'm learning something new about taking care of my home. I just finished scrubbing all the cabinets and walls and baseboards in my kitchen. This is a stupid chore. I NEVER knew that I was suppose to clean the walls. I mean seriously. They just stand there and we walk around them. It does no good to mop a floor if there are grubby baseboards right next to the clean tile. And it isn't the dirt you can sweep off with a broom. You have to actually get down there and elbow it off. How does this grub even occur. What is causing stickiness on baseboards to the point that I have to buy a special cleaning thing to get if off? And my oh my. The walls and cabinets. It isn't just within range of my children. There were spots and splatters and sticky stuff all the way to the ceiling. Really? We can't even reach up there! If I have to stand on a chair to reach it, it seems like it would be hard to get dirty. Dust I can understand, but grime? I never in my life remember seeing anyone wash a wall or scrub a baseboard. I have lived in several houses and apartments and such. Never ever did it occur to me that this was a chore I needed to keep up with. I just so happened to see a spot on the cabinet and when I started looking around I was floored! This is one of those things that makes me feel like there is a chore conspiracy that is not going in my favor. I think it is silly that such grime occurs and I would like to revolt.

When did I quit breathing?

I heard that your twenties are all about figuring out who you really are etc. Well this is a retarded theory. There is no answer to that question. There is no way to define who anyone is completly. Maybe we can answer who we are right now but that is as far as it goes. We always have the option to change. We can change as much or as many times as we want. There is no definitive answer to who am I? At 20 I was a young single woman. At 22 I was a newly married young lady. At 24 I was giving birth to my first child. At 26 I was giving birth to my second child. At 28, among a sigh of relief, there is nothing new happening. Life started moving so fast that somewhere along the way I just quit breathing. Breathing is mostly an autonomic action. When did I have to start reminding myself to continue natural reflexes? Maybe I was just running thru life so fast that I couldn't catch my breath. For whatever reason led me to this moment, I find myself sitting here gasping for air. I'm not really sure how to approach life at this point. I think my 20's have been a good example at how quickly life changes. For now I have to concentrate on catching my breath.

It leaves me at a really akward point in my life. For 8 years I've been speeding. Now I'm at an abrupt halt. It really is almost like life is standing completely still. You know those few seconds before and during an accident when everything moves soooo slow? I feel kind of trapped there in some random out of body experience where I can see myself from a few steps back really clearly. Like REALLY clearly. Almost like I just met myself or something. It seems like a thousand things run thru your heard in nano seconds then in a blink you just react. I've had the unfortunate practice at this during a few car crashes. I don't think there is any more accurate description of my life at this very moment.

I'm currently amid an involuntary self-review. I've just been thrown in. I guess that is what happens when you take a person, like myself, who genuinely longs for a deeper connection with life and stop allowing time to catch up and think and just breathe. I've learned a lot of new things about myself in the last few months or so. I've thought a lot at what do I want to be GREAT at in my life? Strip away all the pesky little issues the world has in the current day like money and time and means. At the core of my being I think it is my longing to be great at family. Not just as a mother. I've always known my intentions for being a good mother, but at everything I consider to be family. My extended family has evolved drastically over the last decade. I stopped keeping in touch with my mother's family and started reaching out to my father's. Which seems odd because in my childhood it was quite opposite. My friends are my family and I would like my family to be my friends. Isn't that kind of the point? Who wants to share a holiday with some guy you see once a year or some nice ladies you talk to only at family gatherings. Seems like a waste of a perfectly good holiday. I'd rather spend that time with people who warm my heart and we share a genuine interest in each other. It was just a light bulb one moment. Ding. Family. That's it. I'm not creative in a lot of domestic type ways (like Jackie for instance. Very creative.) but I am a very emotional person. I have a great big heart. So I might as well take that and use it for something. Being emotional doesn't have to be a hormonal nussiance. I'm going to put a positive spin on it and use it to my advantage. I realize that I have to add money, time and means back into the equation but now....I can use those things as tools to help me acheive the greatness in the areas that I desire.

Amongst the items on my self-review...children. My children are getting older and I've got to find some new approaches. Whatever is going on right now is not working. I can tell you that for a fact. There is too much chaos. In the random out of body experience I explained before I can see A LOT of ugliness in myself. How did I get so impatient and angry? When did I start letting people including toddlers push my buttons? Probably around the time I quit breathing. I've been watching my son lately. His attitude has gotten ugly. Oh wait. My attitude has gotten ugly and his little personality is reflecting it right back in my face. I'm reminded of a quote by who in the world knows that I came accross a few years ago. I'm sure it's ages old. "Let your children see in you what you want to see in them." Hmm. Yep, lead by example. We've been taught that forever. It's funny how I have lived inside my head for all this time and seem to not be very acquainted with myself. It took a 3 1/2 year old boy to mouth off to me one too many times for me to realize that he was just a 3 ft version of myself. Yes, duh, everyone knows that children just mimmick what they see and act like the people who raise them. Well, like I said before I was running too fast to notice. Freeze frame. I see it now. Okay well that part of who I am right now kinda sucks so I need to fix it. That's a life journey within itself and I'm trying to figure out how to do it before I ruin my child.

I don't really talk to people much about things that are under the surface. I used to all the time. I guess that's just one of the many things I tossed out when I piled on so many responsibilites that I lost myself for awhile. But I've slowed down now. Now I understand that ignoring my "think time" for so many years is not such a good idea. One of the joys of being an only child was knowing myself so completely. No one else was around so I had to get to know someone. LOL. I left behind being an only child for the role of wife and mother, etc and left behind a few nice qualities with it. I think I'll just resume some of those right where I left off.

That's all for now. Football is over and my quiet time has been invaded. Maybe tomorrow.

Ta Da!

I'm taking the kids to go visit grandma Euletta this week. She seemed pretty bummed out about Alice and I thought it might be nice to drop by and see her. Plus I'm really working on getting to know her. She said some very nice things to me when we spoke at the cemetary. She seemed like she would enjoy it if we stopped by so I think on Tuesday we will drive to Norman and spend the afternoon with her. Mom is going to call her tomorrow to make sure it's okay and to see what time is best for her. I hope my kids don't destroy her apartment. :) I will let you all know how it goes.

Challenge Me I Dare You!

Several months ago (May maybe) I had Chris's wedding ring resized. He couldn't decide if he needed an 11 1/2 or 12. So they did an 11 1/2 and said if that didn't work to bring it back and they would do it again for free. What do you know? He needed a 12. I put the ring in my purse and forgot all about it. He's been walking around for months with no ring! I noticed the other day and got insecure. I thought, "He's been taking off his ring!" No. Not so much. I was apparently holding it ransom. Anyhow I finally got around to taking it back in earlier this week. It was ready to pick up today. We were lazing around the house and I got a burst of motivation. I said, "Let's go pick up your ring and get some lunch before the game." The ring was at Gordon's in the mall. Chris swore we didn't have time and he didn't want to miss kick off. I looked at the clock. It was 12:10. I said, "I can have the kids and myself ready to leave this house by 12:40. If I can do that will you go?" He took my challenge. He REALLY did not think I could accomplish this. Little does he know that for me that is just like a typical school morning. I let him think he had won. So I ran some bathwater, gave both kids a bath, blowdried their hair, got them dressed, put their shoes on, helped Macy find her purse (she is obsessed and will not leave the house without it), washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed, put on my makeup, pulled my hair back, put on my shoes and marched into the living room. I pointed to the clock. It was 12:32. Not only did I win his challenge but I had 8 minutes to spare. Mothers can do alot with 22 minutes. I do not think he will challenge me again. :) Then we were off to the mall!

You know what?

You know what? I really like my family. I just had a whole conversation with Sami (well an iConversation). I've never really talked to her before. She is a super cool girl and I really like her. I'm so excited to get to know all my cousins thru these blogs. I love the internet. And I love family. And I love teenagers that don't think I'm too old to talk to. LOL. JK. I'll always be a dork and a kid at heart. Being grown up just means I have bills to pay. He He.

A dose of kindness

I recently decided to take a dose of my own advice. I took some time to tell someone that I care about just how much I love them. This last weekend was Grandparents Day. I just happened to be in WalMart and came accross a card that captured everything that my grandma is. I've been trying to get out to Dale more often lately to visit my Grandma Irene. It's actually hard to go. Not because it takes time or effort to get there, but because my grandma is 92 now and everytime I see her she looks worse. It hurts my heart to see her so weak and frail. She only resembles the woman I know in spirit. She has always been so strong and active. I hate to see her any other way. Regardless of whether or not it makes me sad I've been visiting more often. Since this weekend was grandparents day and I found a card to send her it seemed only appropriate that I take that as an opportunity to send her a heartfelt letter. It seems that every time someone passes away the thing I hear people say the most is, "I wish I had told him/her....." or "I wish I had let them know how much they meant to me." So I sat at my kitchen table and cried while I wrote grandma a letter. I told her everything I ever wanted her to know. I let her know that she is the perfect example of everything a woman, wife and mother should be. I told her how much I respect her and that she is my hero. I said I hope I make her proud and that I hope that I can be just like her. I let her know how much strength both physically and spiritually she has exampled for our family. She is really an amazing woman. So a few pages and a handful of kleenexes later I had a letter for grandma to include in her card. I think that grandma knows how much everyone loves her, but I don't think that she really gets to hear it that much. Even if she already knew I'm sure it was still nice to be told what a great lady she is. I feel relieved now too. For about the past 6 months everytime I see her, when I go to leave and give her a hug and kiss she sits me down, looks me in the eye and tells me that she loves me like it's the last time she will ever get to tell me. There is just something about the tone in her voice and the look in her eye that lets me know that she's making sure I know how much she loves me in case she doesn't get to tell me again. I know she's tired. She has said that she's tired and she's ready to go "home". On one hand it's great to know that grandma is ready and feels like she has lived the life she wanted to. On the other hand it is heartbreaking that may not be here much longer. She's probably the most amazing woman I've ever known. So I put my card in the mail and nervously waited to hear her response. She told mom that it was so nice to have someone tell her such nice things and that she'd been kinda blue and my note made her feel better. I'm just glad I took the chance to tell her how much I love her while I still can. Now, someday, hopefully a long long time from now when she goes to heaven I will know that she knew exactly how I felt about her. It's a great feeling. I can't think of a better way to honor my grandma then by letting her know just how much I love her. I'm always encouraging people to tell others how they feel about them and to let people know they are loved and spend time together, etc. I actually followed thru on my own advice and I couldn't feel any better about it. So today friends is a good day!

It's me again...

No one panic. I can cover it up with a watch band if I need to. I already tested it out. It looks black right now since it's still a little swollen and kinda red. But it's actually a very nice shade of purple. Chris got one too. He's wanted this one for a while. So it was nice to have an old friend in town that would do them for dirt cheap. Yes, I know that Dad is going to have a heart attack. More later.

Oh dear....

My how the emails pour in at a mention of a tattoo. You would think I was contemplating selling one of my children on Ebay or something. I love my family. It's good to know that I have people who love me and look out for my best interest. At 19 when I got my first tattoo I probably would have gotten all defensive and declared, "I've made up my mind! Stop trying to force your beliefs on me!" LOL. Not now. I'm much too grown to misunderstand genuine love for pushiness. Does that mean I have been convinced that I should make my decision according to what others think is appropriate? Not so much. But I am very proud of myself for recognizing that my father's urging and such simply comes from a place of love and concern. I suppose that is something I can credit to being a parent myself now. On a side note.....I have been doing some tattoo research on the internet. HA HA HA HA is my response to some of the things I've seen. From memorial tattoo's for a cat (really!?) to an "I'd rather be dead than cool" belly tattoo....I've seen too much.

In other news......last night I walked up behind Macy while she was playing pretend. She was potty training her Polly Pocket. It was adorable. She is such a little mother. She has a doll she named Gracie. It has taken the place of that icky pacifier which we have finally banished!!!! She is such a gentle loving little girl.

Caden seems to be doing well in preschool this year. I do not like his teacher too much. Not for any particular reason. She's just kinda cranky and not exactly my type of person. I don't suppose that makes her a bad teacher though so I am not going to worry about it. The director on the other hand is really frustrating me. She speaks down to me as though I'm a child (which I already get enough of thank you) and always finds a way to make me feel incompetent. I'm afraid that if she keeps being rude, seemingly on purpose, I will have to find another preschool. That is all to be determined later though. *Sigh* Caden is turning 4 and I do not like this. He might as well be married with his own family living 3 states away. Ugh.

Got Ink?

I deal with a lot of anxiety in my life. I always have. When I was younger my anxiety showed itself mostly by keeping me pretty serious all the time. I was too afraid to let loose and just be myself. As I got older it really started to manifest itself in other ways. At one point when I was about 22 it got to where I was having panic attacks and could barely even drive. I took some medication for awhile, but I don't want to be doped up. There is too much in life that requires all of my senses at their fullest. I quit taking that stuff when I got pregnant with Caden. Then I just never went back on it. Anyway, I get overwhelmed very easily. Being a wife and a mom is a hard job. The level of difficulty in my everyday life is greatly enhanced by the fact that my children are so close in age. They are only 19 months apart. Managing a 2 year old and a 3 year old that gang up on me is tough. It's almost like having twins sometimes. But anyway, I deal with a lot of anxiety. I get overwhelmed alot and unfortunately fairly easily. I don't really like who I feel like I am sometimes. I fly off the handle or I say things I shouldn't or don't mean. I find that a lot of times I'm just this really ugly person that just wants to blame everyone else for the way I feel. I react too quickly. I want to be able to slow down, take a deep breath and extinguish my anxiety or my temper. I really want to be an incredible mom and an incredible person. For me, that means that I have to stop being so reactive. There is an awful lot in my everyday life that I just can't control, and I drive myself crazy trying to do something about it. Alot of my stress is self induced by this super mom fantasy I have in my head. I could go on forever about that, but I will not. So long story short I am having the word "Breathe" tattoo'd on my right wrist. It's my dominant hand. I will see it when I reach for things or throw my hands up in dispair or when I dole out spankings. LOL. It's just my reminder to slow down. It's just my way of keeping the anxiety at bay. You know, just BREATHE.

Say what you will about tattoos. There isn't anything you can say my father hasn't already lectured me about. The truth is that you just have to let people be who they are. You can't expect people to live the way you would rather. I'm sure that Dad will give me the yelling of a lifetime. Or probably he will just say nothing and give me that "I'm so disappointed look" that I can't stand. But the truth is that he would be much more disappointed if he saw the way I yell and gripe and stomp around. It's not good for me or for the people I love. I'm trying to get to a new place in my life and I could use all the friendly little reminders that I can get. When I got my first tattoo (bet you didn't even know I had one) at 19 I sure got in trouble. When Chris got the kids names put on his neck Dad swore Chris wouldn't be able to get a job. Chris actually has a good job and tattoos are not viewed as the acts of rebellion they used to be. In fact, I think that if a tattoo has a very personal meaning for you they can be very beautiful and sometimes theraputic. When I say theraputic I mean for the soul. Tons of people get memorial tattoos to remember lost loved ones by. Some people get them to signify a big change in their life. Some get them to portray who they are literally on their sleeve. Will I end up tattoo'd from head to toe? Nah. That just isn't me. I have one tat hidden away that most people never see. One that I will get next week that all the world can see......and that's probably it. I did jokingly tell mom today though that if I ever end up with alzheimers I'm going to have some type of identification tattoo put on me. LOL. You just never know where you can end up when you wander off.

Let's Talk

Why is it that everytime I am in a hurry at the gas station I get stuck in line behind the lottery idiot? For the love of Pete! If you have questions about the lottery please refer to lottery.ok.gov not your local gas station attendant. For one thing the people stuck behind you in line are secretly plotting how to rip out your cheap hair extensions and fill your gas tank with water because you are wasting our time. And secondly, the dude behind the counter is most likely stoned and doesn't know or care about the answer to your question. Another thing........if you have to pay for your $1 lotto ticket in all pennies.....just put the coins back in the piggy bank and save for something else.

Why is it that crazy people think I want to hear about all of their problems? I have one particular person in mind here. None of the Sanders family know her so I'm relatively safe venting here. Please, please do not call me and tell me your sob story about how your life is so bad and blah blah blah is going wrong. Guess what? You are an idiot by choice not by circumstance. I have no pity for you and I'm certainly not interested in your lunatic ramblings. And furthermore.......the fact that your child survived into adulthood is a blessed miracle of God bc you certainly have no idea what you are doing. How can one bumble along from day to day without a clue in thier head? The conclusion I am left with is that you must have a very strong guardian angel because you certainly have not survived on your own.

I'm actually in a really good mood. I just wanted to tell the world that if you are going to buy a lotto ticket know what you want before you get there, and if you are crazy....please don't try to take me in as a confidant. I'm just not interested. This blog just made me think of the State Fair. Last year I decided that I would never never never go to the fair on a Saturday night ever again. LMAO. Please, just picture the crowd I was walking thru. The only reason we went that night was because work had given us free tickets to Disney on Ice. Normal people know that if you don't want to be swamped by the crazies of Oklahoma at the fair you must go at a random time like Tuesday afternoon. The fair is coming up in the next few weeks. If you are feeling down about yourself just go to the fair. I promise you will see at least 150 people that will make you realize that your life is glitz and glamour compared to theirs. If it comes down to it you can always just rely on the fact that you have more teeth than anyone else there. LOL. Oh boy....this is going to be a long evening for me!

Caden's Kickin First Day of School Hair

If this doesn't warm your heart then you just don't have one....

Yesterday I was trying to convince Caden that he needed to clean his room. I realize that my children are 2 and 3 years old but they are actually pretty good at picking up after themselves. I have been relentless about throwing away your trash when you're done and putting your dishes in the sink. Little Macy has to get on her tippy toes but she does put her dishes in the sink when she's finished eating, both of them do without being told. Even at Macy's bday party she would not throw her wrapping paper in the floor until I told her it was okay just this time. So anyway, Caden needed to clean his room. Macy cleaned hers the first time I told her to. Caden needed a little convincing. I sat him down and said, "Caden, Daddy works very hard so that we have money to buy you toys. Not all kids get to have a bunch of toys like you do. Some mommies and daddies don't have enough money left over to get to buy lots of toys. You are very lucky to have the things you do. So, you need to be thankful for what you have and take care of your toys by putting them away." I figured my speech would go in one ear and out the other. I always try to talk to my children just like anyone else. I don't baby talk them or dumb things down for them. I thought it might have been a little over his head though. I was so wrong. He looked up at me with his big brown eyes, his face all lit up and just like he had come up with the most amazing idea ever said, "Hey! Maybe we can get all of the toys we are finished playing with and take them to all the kids that don't have any toys!" He was so proud of his statement. I was so proud too. I'm not going to lie. My eyes teared up. I find that I am much more emotional as a mother as I ever was before. He immediately cleaned his entire room. We haven't gone thru his toys yet, but all that evening and all day today he has been asking when we can gather up our used toys to take to kids that need them. I am so proud of my son. He has a very genuine generousity inside him that inspires me. When he said that to me it made me feel like I must be doing something right.

Caden is at such a wonderful age. He's in that stage where the things he comes up with are hilarious. This is definately my favorite age so far. He asks why every other sentence but he seems to really grasp the answers I give him. I'm telling you, if you are ever feeling down or just in a slump or something come to my house and spend 10 minutes with Caden. I promise you that you will leave feeling happy and refreshed. And you will probably leave with a funny joke or two to tell your friends about my silly little Caden.

In summation....Caden inspired me this week to genuinly reach out to other people who are in need. He had absolutely no hesitation at all to part with his toys so that other children would have something to play with. I admire his unselfishness and hope it has rubbed off on me!

Hello again

Good things are in the works. I'm half way thru my process of being gainfully employed again. I love staying home with the kids, but each time I take a try at being a stay at home mom I realize that it's better for me to work. Chris and I get along better because we are not so worried about money and my time with the kids is better spent because I have to make the most of every moment. It truly is the hardest job in the world to be a full time mom/housewife. So to those of you that can do it and do it well my hat is off to you. The Lord has heard many pleas for patience from me lately. The job I applied for pays 17.50 an hour. I'm half way thru the process and it seems like everything is going to work out. It just takes a little while with background checks and all. So hopefully I will be bringing in some money of my own soon. Which 17.50 an hour is a nice little paycheck. So I'm looking forward to that.



We went camping last weekend. We had so much fun that we are going back again this next week. We will leave on Sun and get back Wed. It was a great time. That was my first time to sleep in a tent. It was interesting. We camped out on a friends land near Ft Cobb. We had to drive thru 2 miles of cornfield just to get to a clearing big enough to set up camp. Luckily a soybean field had been recently plowed so we had a nice big area to set up. We built a bonfire and roasted hot dogs and had smores and the whole bit. We camped at night and spent the entire daytime on the lake. I had to laugh at Chris. I had some 50 spf sunblock and some spf 4 tanning lotion. He got them mixed up. He put the sunblock all over where he wanted a tan and put the tanning lotion on his face and shoulders. LOL. Needless to say he wound up very sunburned and very funny looking. It really was pretty funny but I'm sure he won't make that mistake again. After all, we got on the water at 9:30 am and stayed until dark. We only left the lake briefly to eat. I have these socks that go up over my knees. When we were at camp I wore them with shorts and tennis shoes. Everyone made fun of me for wearing them but I was thinking ahead. I did not have one chigger bite or mosquito bite on my legs or feet. Everyone else got eaten up despite their bugspray. I think that when we go back I might see some long socks on a few more people. :) I might look like a dork but I'm smart. The coyotes were scary at night. I have decided that coyotes are not my friend! We took a box of firecrackers with us. Everytime the coyotes started getting loud or sounded like they might be close we set a couple of them off. It did a good job of scaring them off. I was nervous to sleep though. I thought who is going to scare them away while we are sleeping? Our friend Andi's uncle lives a mile or two from the land we were on and he did a great job of explaining how many creepy things were in the woods. Heard all about the wild boars and snakes and whatnot. Needless to say I did not sleep very much at all! It was a really great time though. I can't wait til Sunday when we are headed back that way again. It's a little longer trip this time. I'm just super pumped that Dad and Chris now have a nice boat that works all the time that we can take anywhere at any moment. This is a foreign concept to dad. He's so much in the business of having old junker boats that don't run that I'm not sure what he'll do with a boat that works. He hasn't even gone out on it yet. He's been gone all summer. Don't get me wrong. I certainly don't mind keeping the boat at my house and taking it out every weekend!

I'm very thankful that my kids have so many grandparents! Without them it would not be possible to take these little mini vacations. The kids stayed with my inlaws last weekend. This time mom wants the kids to stay with her. Dad doesn't really like the kids to stay at his house more than 2 or 3 hours. He has a low stress threshold. LOL. Since Dad is coming home on the 11th she wanted to have them stay with her a few days before he gets back. I keep teasing Dad that he's going to have to learn how to hang out with the children! He is the "not fun" grandpa and we can't have that! I've worked very very hard the last 10 years trying to teach dad how to have a little fun. Life has to be more than just studying stock and reading text books. LOL. I love him dearly and I'm impressed with his intellegence. We just have to work on getting him to loosen up every now and then.

Let's see......anything else? Hmm.....Harley is doing great. We got him checked over and fixed and the whole bit. He is growing! Took him to the vet for an initial check and he weighed 50 pounds. 8 days later when he got fixed he weighed 56. That was 2 weeks ago. He's got to be at least 63 or so lbs now. We finally figured out that he is boxer and mastiff mix. Jeez. Mastiffs get to be like 200 lbs. And this dog is just a puppy now! Vet said he was abut 8 months old. So I guess we have lots more growing to do. If he gets bigger than I am he's outta here. I have a strict policy on animals that outweigh me. It makes me nervous! I guess that's all for now. This camping trip I will take a bunch of pictures. I tried to last time but the camera battery died after 2 pics. So I will put some pics up on here next week. I'm sure there will be on myspace too. Take care everyone. Hope to see my family soon!

There is no rest for the weary...

at least in my house anyway. Chris took off work today so we could take the kids out on the new boat. Caden and Macy are so wound up that they are never going to sleep again. I'm dog tired. I went straight from the lake to shower and change and head to an interview......while they all napped. So everyone is recharged and going 100mph. I think that if I sit still for more than 30 seconds I'll be out cold. I tried getting in bed but apparently in my house lying down anywhere is just an invitation to be jumped on. REPEATEDLY. There is no chance of cozying up in my perfect bed any time soon. And you know what? Chris is the ring leader. I stand by my statement that I have 3 children, 2, 3 and 27. My secret plot was to ditch the abusive wrestling match and get on the computer. It really annoys them when I get in my computer zone and usually spoils their fun. So in turn I can lay down. LOL. Yes, it's an evil plot but sometimes I'm flat out desperate. It isn't even working this time!!!!! Boo hoo for Sara. ha ha. I know there could be worse things in the world than a tired mom with a happy family. Count your blessings.....

Before We Were Married...LOL

My handsome Caden

Pretty Macy

So much new stuff!

I have so much to catch up on with this blog. But before I get to any of that I have to say something about cousin Chara's last post. All day I have been so frustrated with my children. I'm not used to staying with them 24/7. It can be very overwhelming. It seems as though my temper has been getting shorter.I don't know what has gotten into my kids lately. They have been at each other's throats. And the biting!!! Will it ever stop?! My new solution for that is rinsing their mouth's out with soap when they bite. It worked on me when grandma caught me saying a bad word as a kid. I figure it's worth a try. Anyhow, back to my point. My frustration has been reaching new levels. Some days I think that I'm just in wayyyy over my head. Having a 2 and 3 year old at my side every minute is a huge challenge. Anyway, here I sit in my chair just saying my thankful prayers that my children went to bed early and gave me a break and I click over to Chara's blog. My frustration melted. I remember feeling that same way. Wondering what kind of mom I would be. Wondering about the lifestyle changes that would come with the baby. Wondering about giving birth. That is such a special time in life. A highly emotional right of passage that some women wonder about their whole lives. And now I just feel silly. I had forgotten what I have to be thankful for. My children might be fighting and biting each other, but I get to be here to wipe every tear and give out hugs and apply bandaids. And even though I'm challenged beyond my measure some days at least right now I get to be here and be the one that gets to teach them the lessons they need. That was the most frustrating thing about working full time. I was almost never the one that got to teach them that little lesson. Whatever the lesson may have been at the time. So I will have to remember this. I will make a mental note that when I feel like I'm drowing in toddler chaos think back to the very beginning. So, Chara thanks for inadvertently reminding me to take a step back!

On a completely different subject......Health and Fitness! For a couple months now Chris and I have really been making a monster effort to get healthy. Chris has been wanting to lose weight and I have been worrying about the condition of our hearts and etc with all the junk we were eating. The way the whole thing started out is kind of funny. I've been trying to be supportive of Chris's weight loss goals for awhile but it is very hard for me. I'm not trying to make myself sound bad here, but I've never had to worry about weight. It comes and goes for me, but it always stays in about the same range. I can pretty much eat whatever I want and I never have to see it on my hips. Well, one week Chris was particularly irritated with his fitness. We must have had an arguement every day for 3 days straight about (in his words) how it is my fault he is not losing weight. Well he pushed my buttons one too many times. I threw out everything in the house and went to the grocery store. Everything was diet diet diet healthy blah blah. At first I was just mad and thought "Oh yeah! Well we'll just see what he thinks when he is eating his own seperate meals of tofu and cottage cheese every day! Hmph! That's what he gets for blaming me!" I'm not really sure how it changed from my spitefullness into an all out family campaign, but somehow it did. It took a little while but we actually managed to change our entire eating lifestyle. It's been a big change. Now that we conquered our bad eating habits I decided we needed to change our bad LAZY habits. So I just came up with my "Get off your butt!" campaign. Not that eloquent but the point is clear. I try to plan an activity for us most evenings. Chris has softball on Sunday evenings with his friends. Mondays we take the new dog for a walk and go to the field by our house and hit softballs. Tuesdays the kids have a standing appointment with my inlaws to go to the library for story time etc. So they stay there for dinner and that gives Chris and I a chance to do something that we can't really do with the kids. Yesterday we went to the driving range and hit golfballs for an hour. It was my first time ever and boy was I terrible. Then we went to the park and played tennis for another hour. Here I am thinking that I'm still little miss "I'm 28, have 2 kids and still skinny and active." AND BOY WAS I WRONG! That tennis kicked my butt! I seriously have not moved that much since I cheered in college. LOL. I'm not as sore today as I thought I would be, but still!!!!! My ego got knocked down a notch or two! Plus I'm just not athletic. I never have been. Somehow I managed to be a coordinated cheerleader/gymnast but those days are long long gone! Wednesday, well this one we took off. We sat around and recouped. I did however take the children and the dog on a mile walk this afternoon. And mom came along too! Thursdays Chris has softball again so I'll just do something active around the house. I'm thinking that Fridays should be swimming. I don't know we'll see. But we are on the road to living a much healthier life. The get off your butt campaign is all about doing something outside and active instead of sitting around developing diabetes and getting clogged arteries. So far so good! I just have to find a way to keep us motivated. Wish me luck!

Introducing Harley

Say hello to Harley our newest family member. He was wandering around our street for a few days and we took him in. We put up flyers and checked with all the vets in the area. We tried to find his owner but had no luck. We said we would look for his owner and if we didn't find him then we would find him a good home. However it's been 2 weeks now. I think the good home we found is ours! We are not allowed to have pets in our house so this causes a bit of a dilema. The kids have fallen in love with him and we have too. I just can't stand to think of sending him away!