Got Ink?

I deal with a lot of anxiety in my life. I always have. When I was younger my anxiety showed itself mostly by keeping me pretty serious all the time. I was too afraid to let loose and just be myself. As I got older it really started to manifest itself in other ways. At one point when I was about 22 it got to where I was having panic attacks and could barely even drive. I took some medication for awhile, but I don't want to be doped up. There is too much in life that requires all of my senses at their fullest. I quit taking that stuff when I got pregnant with Caden. Then I just never went back on it. Anyway, I get overwhelmed very easily. Being a wife and a mom is a hard job. The level of difficulty in my everyday life is greatly enhanced by the fact that my children are so close in age. They are only 19 months apart. Managing a 2 year old and a 3 year old that gang up on me is tough. It's almost like having twins sometimes. But anyway, I deal with a lot of anxiety. I get overwhelmed alot and unfortunately fairly easily. I don't really like who I feel like I am sometimes. I fly off the handle or I say things I shouldn't or don't mean. I find that a lot of times I'm just this really ugly person that just wants to blame everyone else for the way I feel. I react too quickly. I want to be able to slow down, take a deep breath and extinguish my anxiety or my temper. I really want to be an incredible mom and an incredible person. For me, that means that I have to stop being so reactive. There is an awful lot in my everyday life that I just can't control, and I drive myself crazy trying to do something about it. Alot of my stress is self induced by this super mom fantasy I have in my head. I could go on forever about that, but I will not. So long story short I am having the word "Breathe" tattoo'd on my right wrist. It's my dominant hand. I will see it when I reach for things or throw my hands up in dispair or when I dole out spankings. LOL. It's just my reminder to slow down. It's just my way of keeping the anxiety at bay. You know, just BREATHE.

Say what you will about tattoos. There isn't anything you can say my father hasn't already lectured me about. The truth is that you just have to let people be who they are. You can't expect people to live the way you would rather. I'm sure that Dad will give me the yelling of a lifetime. Or probably he will just say nothing and give me that "I'm so disappointed look" that I can't stand. But the truth is that he would be much more disappointed if he saw the way I yell and gripe and stomp around. It's not good for me or for the people I love. I'm trying to get to a new place in my life and I could use all the friendly little reminders that I can get. When I got my first tattoo (bet you didn't even know I had one) at 19 I sure got in trouble. When Chris got the kids names put on his neck Dad swore Chris wouldn't be able to get a job. Chris actually has a good job and tattoos are not viewed as the acts of rebellion they used to be. In fact, I think that if a tattoo has a very personal meaning for you they can be very beautiful and sometimes theraputic. When I say theraputic I mean for the soul. Tons of people get memorial tattoos to remember lost loved ones by. Some people get them to signify a big change in their life. Some get them to portray who they are literally on their sleeve. Will I end up tattoo'd from head to toe? Nah. That just isn't me. I have one tat hidden away that most people never see. One that I will get next week that all the world can see......and that's probably it. I did jokingly tell mom today though that if I ever end up with alzheimers I'm going to have some type of identification tattoo put on me. LOL. You just never know where you can end up when you wander off.