I'm still thankful for yesterday and the day before. Without those days I wouldn't have made it through this one. I wasn't there. I was in that house by her bed all weekend, but today when it happened I wasn't there. I should have been. I wanted to be. I will struggle with my absence during that moment probably forever. I knew it would be today. I knew that I should be there. But I coudn't be. It was beyond my control. I know that she is at peace. I know her suffering is over. It doesn't matter. I'm still broken. At least for the weekend my grandma was able to have her family. The family she made so many years ago. Not the family we have become in recent years. There was such peace and connection in that house all weekend. Everyone came together for her. She died at 3:00. By 6:00 the magic spell wore off and everyone started seperating again. I'd hoped we'd at least make it to the funeral united. Oh well. For two days I got to be with her and hold her hand and tell her the things I needed her to know. So at least that will bring me peace one day when some time has passed. I still can't believe I wasn't there. I knew better.
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2 comments:
Don't beat yourself up. You were there in love. She knows that. We come into this world alone and we leave this world alone. She will be in heaven to greet you when it is your turn.
As a Grandmother I know Irene would not want you to struggle over her death. She is in perfect peace because of her passing and she would want you to be also.
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