A moment of silence

Today is my grandma's birthday. It seems only appropriate that I pause for a moment in my day to say a few kind words about her. The last month and a half hasn't been easy. I'm happy to say that my grandma's final wish is looking likely to succeed. I still truly believe that she hung on at the end to give her family a chance to come together and mend some fences. I wasn't sure at first, but my relatives are continuing to reach out to each other in ways they have not before. I'm proud to say that I've put aside my hurt feelings and let go of grudges. My grandma endured a lot of suffering at the end of her life, but she still pressed on in hopes to take care of the heart of our family. She still put others before herself. She taught me to love God. She showed me just how many lives can be touched by one person's example. She embodied peace and kindness and represented everything a woman should be. If I can one day be half the woman she was then I will have succeeded. She was soft and strong at the same time. She was encouraging but never judgemental. Sometimes people seem greater in death than they were in life, but Irene lived a life that death can not surpass. She is an inspiration. So grandma, Happy Birthday. I love you and I miss you.

My Ripple in the Universe

Tangerine trees and marmalade skies

Have any of you seen Across The Universe? I watched it a couple of weeks ago but it's stuck in my head. It only reaffirms my belief that I'm generationally displaced. I really wish I could have been a hippie. Well, minus the psychadelics. From what I hear of people that have experienced some type of psychadelic drug it sounds neither interesting or fun. In fact it sounds down right horrifying. I'm not sure what could possibly be fun about thinking trees are speaking to you or thinking that things around you are melting into each other, etc. Sounds like experiencing true pychotic behavior. Not my cup of tea. So that aside, I would love to have been a 30's flapper chick or a 50's poodle skirt girl or my personal favorite...the hippie. I started thinking about why I feel like I don't belong or fit into my generation. I'm not sure it's that I don't fit in, we just don't have any defining characteristics. My generation doesn't really have anything to fight for or believe in. We're all just rushing around trying to cram as much into one day as we possibly can without stopping to ponder the world around us or smell the flowers. It's pretty sad in my opinion. Maybe since there is a war going on right now I could stir up a new generation hippie revival. LOL. I know there are some important things happening in the world like the first woman and african american running for President. Those are really events that are occuring. It's still not a cause. I don't know. I just think my generation is the most blah group to come along. We are the first generation of people that haven't had to fight for something. Everything has been laid out for us. No fighting for civil rights or women's lib issues or surviving depression. Sometimes dealing with a struggle gives character to people and to a certain time. My parents experienced desegregation. I'm sure that was interesting to live through. The only way the world has really changed since I've been around in the increasing neccessity of computers. Wow, I'm the generation that contributed to the downfall of face to face communication. You never have to leave your home again! Order your groceries online! Contact your friends and family online. Order your clothes and toys and household needs online. Sit in your house on your bottom and get fatter and lazier by the minute! Enable the diabetes epidemic by becoming addicted to your xbox and myspace. Sports? Fresh air? Blah! Just stay in and play computer games. I am just so proud to be a part of this. I'm just generally out of place. I'd rather live in the country but I'm stuck in the city. I'd rather be a full time mom but those women's lib activists graced me with the right which translates into need to work. I'd rather not look at pictures from when Chris and I met and notice that I look young and freshfaced, but my reflection now shows me wrinkles! Yes, wrinkles!!! Oh, here I go with the aging thing again. It's really on the top of my fears list. I have deep set wrinkles between my eyebrows for years and years of scowling. I have wrinkles all around my eyes from squinting. Next thing you know I'll have wrinkles around my lips! Well, I've just gone off on a tangent. I think I'll just go listen to Hey Jude and pretend I was born at a more convienient time for my personality. Then I will google botox and find out about fixing those wrinkles. LOL.

Short note: Caden had his first tball practice today. It was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. A bunch of 4 year olds running the bases the wrong direction and tackling each other for the ball. Hilarious! When I get his game schedule I will post it so that anyone who wishes to come to a game can attend. It will be worth 2 hours of your time. No way you could go and not smile the whole time. It was priceless. He had his new cleets and his little batting gloves and his Demarini bat. He even told his coach he didn't want to get his new shoes dirty. LOL. I love Caden. He makes me smile.

blah blah blah

Well, my talk with great grandma went so much better than I had expected. I think she finally has realized the severity of the situation. I was worried about how I would present it to her. I was looking for a way to make it clear that it's about the kids and nothing else. She understood and said no hard feelings and the kids have a long life ahead of them and we don't want to scar them. I was actually quite floored by her response. She sounded secretly relieved. I think she is becoming overwhelmed. I'm going to leave things as they are for another week or two to give her a chance to do a little hands on learning with the kids and my MIL. She mostly just keeps them seperated. So, she wanted a chance for all of them to talk about it together. I'll start rearraging the schedules and such in about two weeks. In the mean time I'm just keeping a close eye on the kids.

I'm happy to report that Caden is no longer getting in fights at school. I was so shocked when he started telling me about some of his school issues. He's such a mellow, go with the flow kind of kid. He never gets angry or worked up. I guess some kid in the older class started poking fun at him and Caden wasn't going to have that. So he hit the kid in the face. On one hand I'm glad he's standing up for himself. On the other we have an issue of fighting to address. This same scenario went on for about 2 months. All the teacher ever saw was Caden hitting the kid. So he kept getting put in time out. After a while Caden decided he didn't like school anymore and didn't want to go. I realize that talking to your kid's teacher about his personal social issues is the last thing that will ever help your children......but he's just way too young to lose interest in school now. He hasn't even made it to Kindergarten! So I talked to the teacher. No change. Then I talked to the director. Immediately the issue was addressed and the children made up and no longer call names or exchange punches. It's been about 3 weeks or so since they last fought so I think we call this one resolved.

I'm also happy to report that this week my daughter has not acted like a psychotic future serial killer. She really had me worried for a bit. She would fly off the handle, get really really angry (beyond terrible 2's), ball up her fists, face turn red, scream, yell, and stay mad for hours. It was really stressing me out. I started thinking that maybe something had happened to her, but then I realized that it had just been a crazy past month for all of us. Being there while grandma was dying, me working and then not working and then working, her being sick for the first time, and dealing with her alzheimer's gma just stressed her to the max and she didn't know how to deal with it. Last weekend I took Macy along with me for Becky's wedding planning and did a girls day. We went to the bridal fair, watched a fashion show, went out to lunch and went to the bridal store and tried on frilly dresses. It was a good day. I thought she could use some special one on one time and it has seemed to help. This week has been mostly back to normal.

I am however very upset at the current situation in my house. My children won't play with me anymore! All Caden wants to do is hang out in his room and play xbox. Macy wants to stay in her room and watch Dora on demand all night. No one will come out of thier room to play and I'm not invited into their room. I thought my kids would be a little bit older before they kicked me to the curb. Last night I even drug them out to Ihop against their wishes just so they would spend some time with me. I knew if we were at home I could count out spending any time with them. I've just been sitting around in the evening going, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" It's a bizzare feeling in my house right now.

Well, we are looking forward to seeing everyone next weekend at gma's bday dinner. Hopefully I can get the kids hair cut before then. Cade's hair is down to his shoulders (literally) and Macy looks horrible. Our hair lady was on bedrest for a bit and now on maternity leave. So we all look pretty scraggily. Caden is too pretty to have hair so long. He looks like a girl.LOL. It actually does sit on his shoulders. We keep his hair a little long but not like this! Tball signups are next week and when March rolls around practices and games will start. We bought his cleets this week. They are so small and so adorable. I can't wait to see him in his little uniform. He'll play in Moore so hopefully most of you can make it out to some games. It will be hilarious. Enough rambling. See you guys next weekend!

I'm so not grown up enough to direct this situation

Although we often know that certain events or emotions are going to take place in our lives, and often we have a clue that it is coming, I'm not sure that makes anyone any more prepared. Perhaps it only increases the dread the accompanies going thru unpleasant life experiences. It's tough enough to find a way to be an effective parent using love and logic. On top of that I also have a responsibility to many other people in my life. It can be quite hard to balance the needs of all the people I love. I'm not saying that I am at all in any position to be something more to someone than just simply me. I don't think I'm any more important than anyone else and we all have situations that super suck and we have to face them regardless. My entire life I have had a particular curiousity about alzheimer's. I guess because it runs in my family and it's no disease to mess with. It's one of the most serious conditions out there that we can inherit. I'd rather get congestive heart failure or something not pertaining to my brain. My MIL has seriously progressed in this disease. It's both scary as a daughter in law that loves her very much and as a parent to make sure my children have some understanding of what's going on. It isn't exactly an illness you can hide. I have a list of "dreads" that I've known would be here one day and unfortunately whether I'm ready or not one day is here. On top of it all I seem to be the only person I know that has done any research on the disease, has any reasonable interest in understanding the reality of the situation, and the only one not in severe denial about the current situation or quickly approaching future. I can't get enough info on the stages and signs and risks and check lists and things to plan for. I've been reading up on the various testing and the universal scales the medical community uses to evaluate such a patient. Basically, the most widely used scale goes from 30 to 0. 30 is normal adult with no recognizable signs. 0 is bedridden vegetable or dead. This past week my MIL was evaluated at an 11. As many people know there are medications available out there to help slow the progression of this disease, but it effects each patient differently. Also in the U.S. there is NO fda approved medication to treat moderate to severe alzheimers. The medications available are only effective during early diagnosis. Once a pt reaches a certain stage the medications are useless. There is new medication that has been approved for use in Europe that has had some success in these latter stages. It's not available here and is still being researched by the FDA. The saddest thing about this is that when a patient gets to the latter stages the disease usually progresses much quicker than before or will plateau for a while and then have a huge decline all of a sudden. So the late stages are already on the fast track and their are no medications to do anything about it. It's a helpless place to be as a family member, caregiver and surely as the patient. My MIL can no longer dress herself or bathe herself and has started forgetting whose house she's in. The kids go over there 2 days a week. Although they have minimal contact with her if they see her at all (she stays in bed most of the time) they have begun asking me questions. My children have already endured so much this last year. 2 grandparents and a best friend have died. They've watched us cope with these things and even were essentially there the entire time my grandma was dying in front of us. They have seen and heard more than children their age should. However, I will not lie to them or just not address this with them. They are asking questions because obviously they notice and they are bothered. I always knew I would know when it would be time to change the daycare and not send them there at all. Unfortunately the time is here and having that conversation with my grandparents in law is going to be one of the hardest things I think I could ever possibly face. Even though it's simply about my children's ability to cope with what is going on around them it will be impossible for them not to take it personally. I had a quiet moment tonight with the kids and it seemed like the right time to talk about it. We discussed what they had noticed and what questions they might have. I explained to them that she is sick and can't help it when she does certain things or is not able to do regular things they can do. Children are so hypersensitive to their environment and I notice their behavior is different lately some of which I can directly contribute to the tension they feel around her. I know that Maria Schriver wrote some children's books that help young kids understand "what's happening to grandma". I need to get out there and locate these books. My kids are just so young to have to learn such a large life lesson. I insist on being open and honest with them about it. I wouldn't ever say anything that would damage them or traumatize them. But I need to be willing and able and ready to talk to them about this reguarly. Hopefully they will reciprocate by feeling like they can talk to me about it whenever it's on their minds. It's really a heartbreaking situation. I really try to be cognitive of certain boundaries that are present for me because after all I am an inlaw. I want to be respectful but available at the same time. I just care so much for these people and I want to be there for them and take care of my kids at the same time and unfortunately sometimes these things conflict. It's a difficult place to be. Also, by taking my kids out of the home and having this conversation with them I am basically making them face the reality of what's going on. There are still some very huge denial issues. I feel like I'm the only one that wants to see things the way they really are. Ignoring the situation isn't doing anyone any good and it certainly isn't making her any better. I'm a little uneasy tonight after my talk with the kids. They said some things and asked some things that I was surprised to hear. I figured on a few things they mentioned to me, but they really let me knew that they are no dummies and see exactly what's going on. Not that they understand it. They see enough to take some things personally and that freaks me the eff out. I'll always pick my kids first but think about having to sit down with one of the very very few women that have impacted your life, set an incredible example for you and your family, has the kindest gentlest most sincere hearts of anyone you've ever met and tell her that you have to keep the kids away because it's best for the children. It's so unfair. Essentially they are losing or at least seriously lessening the contact and companionship they share with my children because the situation won't allow them to be there with them. It's almost a greiving process. There is so much suffering in the world and it causes me much guilt and heavy heartedness to have to bring unhappiness to some people that I admire, respect and love. Why can't I have to stick the suffering to some hateful crackhead that deserves it. It always has to be to the nice people in the world. This life thing certainly is complicated. I still really feel like such a child on the inside. I feel like this situation is bigger than I am and requires more maturity than I have to offer. I don't have a firm grasp on this situation at all. I'm trying to be as educated on the disease as possible so that as far as my children are concerned I can make the right decisions. Yeah, I know what the right thing here to do is.....I'm just scared to do it and trying to find a reason that I might be wrong so I don't have to do it or face it. Suck. Alheimer's is notorious for being destructive and difficult for families to manage. It's almost always harder on the caregiver or people available to relieve caregivers (myself) than anyone. I'm just really scared how it will affect my family as a whole. My heart really hurts for my MIL. I wish I could fix it.

a number of things

I guess I will open by saying that obviously my strike did not last long. I am a blabbermouth. There's just not much silence from me. And besides my life is just soooooo interesting that everyone needs to know about it. LOL. It has been a fruitful week. I'll go ahead and update on my job situation since I feel pretty comfortable that I've found the right fit for me. I started Monday and each day I've decided that I'm going to like this job more and more. It's completely different from anything I've ever done. Which at this point is an enormous plus. I'm so burnt out on what I've spent the last 8 years doing. The problem with being and admin assistant or receptionist or similar clerical position is that most often it is the least paid job in the office with the most responsibility. And it can be hard to balance excelling at your job and taking on more that what you are really entitled too. At every job I've ever had I've been organized, efficient and added duties and responsibilities with the amount of time I was there.........but never had a reasonable increase in pay. To start a position and have say 4 daily responsibilties then to be a few years down the line and have maybe 10 or 11 daily responsibilities (quite measurable ones, not just little piddly tasks) but be paid the same or maybe ten cents more than you were in the beginning is the quick road to frustration and burn out. It's not an easy positon to be able to say "Well here is an entire list of everything I do and why I feel I should be paid differently for carrying all this work." Those positions are basically the mother of the office. She does far more than anyone else realizes and gets minimal recognition or appreciation for it. But when she's not there or sick or wants to take a vacation the place falls apart without her. I figure I would now like to keep my mothering just to my children. I don't need anymore stress than I've got! So anyhow I've now found a position doing something different and new and challenging. I am enjoying the change. Even though I've had several jobs in the past it's always been doing the same thing. I desperately needed a change. I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying and listening in the recent months especially in the recent weeks. I feel like some of my prayers have been answered. Not just because I think I finally have a job I can enjoy and excel at, but a multitude of things that are happening in my life. I'm not really sure how to explain my new job. A lot of it I have yet to understand. There is alot of medical terminology and coding and things that I am not familiar with, but am studying up on. There are a whole big list of things I have to do everyday and it's actually kind of complicated to orchestrate but it basically comes down to making sure that all the home health care patients in two regions are taken care of. Meaning they have the right number of visits scheduled at the right frequency with the right type of caretaker (RN, LPN, PT, etc.) I have a few hundred people that I am responsible for their daily schedules. This includes employees and patients. There is actually quite a bit of responsibility involved. Most of the patients are really ill and it's important that things are done correctly. Some of them are even seen 4 times a day (diabetics). I'm learning a lot. I've picked up pretty quickly. They doubled their inside staff (basically). They had 4 people in these positions and have now grown so much that work load requires 10 of us to be doing this job. We each own seperate areas of the state so we work seperately, it's just the same position. So started 6 new people this week. Some on Monday with me and some later. Out of the 6 I'm the farthest along. I credit some of that to my mother being on 400 medications so I've become familiar with a lot of pharmacutical stuff. And because I got lucky and got a desk and computer and phone first. That was just the supervisor somehow picking me. Luck I guess. So that's the basic update on that. My favorite thing has to be that I can wear scrubs to work. It's just like getting to wear pajamas to work every day! I love it. Plus I feel official. I suppose all uniforms make people feel different though. You don't see grown men slapping each other on the butt unless they have football gear on. So there is something in the power of a uniform. It makes me look smart I think. LOL.

I guess you all liked my old people post because I got 3 comments in one day. That is a new record for me. I figured I might hear something back on that one. I just enjoy the little things that older people do. I look forward to that stage of my life. I feel like that is exactly what we work our whole lives for. One day I will this and one day I will that. I feel like that is the time when one day is actually lived instead of dreamed or worked for. Shirley is right. There is a honeymoon phase of older and a serious phase of older. I suppose I'm amused by the honeymoon phase and terrified of the serious phase. I just don't want to grow old and have dementia issues. That freaks me out. Anyway, that's my update for today. My posts are always so long. I still haven't updated you on Macy's new anger issues (real ones) and Caden's fights at school. I'll get there if I can stop rambling about myself long enough. Maybe a new post tomorrow!

Aging

I am going to offend so many people with this post. I realize that I'm making myself sound somewhat stupid and really young but these are my obeservations nonetheless. I have been spending some time thinking about "being old." I've been thru so much inside my head with grandma passing away. She started me thinking about a whole lot of things, esp. about how I will one day be old too. Well, hopefully. Then I have now started (yet another) new job at a home health care and hospice company. So all day long I'm doing task after task that enables elderly people to get the care and medical service they need. By the time these people get to my company they are in pretty bad shape so keep in mind my daily contact with "old people" points out the downfalls of being old. I'm sure there are many many great things about being old but that is not what I have observed recently.
My dad got home today. I love to poke fun at my dad and pick on him. He never quite understands that I'm picking on him for my own amusement but he takes it well anyway. Today I watched my parents try to put the lid back on a shampoo bottle. Mom says, "Help me. I don't know what I'm doing! This won't close." Dad takes the bottle and even though he can clearly see it's broken and won't fit together starts making an attempt to get it to close. He's sitting there only half caring and trying to appease his wife. She's standing there waiting for her hero to save the day as she stares into open space without a thought in her mind. For a few minutes this shampoo bottle took over every thought process they had. It was hilarious. As I sat there and watched them it was clear they were having an old person moment. By old person moment I mean that I've always noticed little things that only old people do. Such as...get trumped by a small household item, fear and resistance to computers or technology of any kind, forgetting where you were going or what you were doing, not caring that you are wearing 17 different colors and patterns none of which match, not being able to figure out the tv remote or cordless phone, or simply getting wrapped up completely in the tiniest chore/task. Don't act as if you don't know what old people moments I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong. I love old people. Seems to me that you are old for more of your life than not so I have no reason to be prejudiced to it. This will be offensive, but when I was very small, from my first memories by grandparents were OLD. Guess what? I'm grown up and have children and my grandparents are STILL old. So yeah, I get it. Don't hate because I'm not going to be young forever. I'm not hating. Just simply observing. I just simply think that the habits of shall we say "Seriously life experienced" or "Driving at the full speed limit impaired" persons are sometimes amusing. I think when I'm old I will do old people things just to irritate my children and amuse myself. You can get away will all kinds of stuff when you're old. If you get caught just pretend you don't know where you are and what's going on. What are they going to do? Force you to stop being old and unaware or forgetful? Seriously, it could be hard to remember that you are supposed to put your pants on in the morning so if you want to hang out in your underwear all day go ahead. If anybody objects just pretend you thought you already put them on this morning. Assisted living places are better than hotels if you ask me. I call them the old people dorms. I'm sure it's just as fun as college having your quilting buddy down the hall or your connect four opponent next door. I'm going to end up being a decrepit old person now just for having said these things. I just think that there is a lighter side to all the limitations of aging. I'm tired of scheduling people to get baths and injections and PT and whatever else all day because they can't do it themselves anymore. I hope I am a fun old person. I don't want to hide in my house and let life happen to me.

Strike!

While I have many things I could update you on such as my new job, my new found love of scrubs, my dislikes for automatically flushing toiliets (if you lean forward at all they flush and splash your butt with cold water), my thoughts on super tuesday, the new medical lingo i'm getting to learn, my emotional breakthru with a few "relatives", or my anxiety over my daughters new psychotic tantrums..........I will not. I've decided to go on strike! Some of you have not updated your blogs since Christmas (you know who you are)! So I can't possibly be inspired to do any type of blog writing until I have some new reading material. LOL. I just can't imagine that not everyone has a severe myspace/blog addiction like I do. I think the thing is that some of you might just actually have a life while I obviously DO NOT! *giggle* I think I will go play with my children and then watch American Idol. AI is another one of my horrible obsessions. It drives Chris insane, but that only encourages me. :)