When did I quit breathing?

I heard that your twenties are all about figuring out who you really are etc. Well this is a retarded theory. There is no answer to that question. There is no way to define who anyone is completly. Maybe we can answer who we are right now but that is as far as it goes. We always have the option to change. We can change as much or as many times as we want. There is no definitive answer to who am I? At 20 I was a young single woman. At 22 I was a newly married young lady. At 24 I was giving birth to my first child. At 26 I was giving birth to my second child. At 28, among a sigh of relief, there is nothing new happening. Life started moving so fast that somewhere along the way I just quit breathing. Breathing is mostly an autonomic action. When did I have to start reminding myself to continue natural reflexes? Maybe I was just running thru life so fast that I couldn't catch my breath. For whatever reason led me to this moment, I find myself sitting here gasping for air. I'm not really sure how to approach life at this point. I think my 20's have been a good example at how quickly life changes. For now I have to concentrate on catching my breath.

It leaves me at a really akward point in my life. For 8 years I've been speeding. Now I'm at an abrupt halt. It really is almost like life is standing completely still. You know those few seconds before and during an accident when everything moves soooo slow? I feel kind of trapped there in some random out of body experience where I can see myself from a few steps back really clearly. Like REALLY clearly. Almost like I just met myself or something. It seems like a thousand things run thru your heard in nano seconds then in a blink you just react. I've had the unfortunate practice at this during a few car crashes. I don't think there is any more accurate description of my life at this very moment.

I'm currently amid an involuntary self-review. I've just been thrown in. I guess that is what happens when you take a person, like myself, who genuinely longs for a deeper connection with life and stop allowing time to catch up and think and just breathe. I've learned a lot of new things about myself in the last few months or so. I've thought a lot at what do I want to be GREAT at in my life? Strip away all the pesky little issues the world has in the current day like money and time and means. At the core of my being I think it is my longing to be great at family. Not just as a mother. I've always known my intentions for being a good mother, but at everything I consider to be family. My extended family has evolved drastically over the last decade. I stopped keeping in touch with my mother's family and started reaching out to my father's. Which seems odd because in my childhood it was quite opposite. My friends are my family and I would like my family to be my friends. Isn't that kind of the point? Who wants to share a holiday with some guy you see once a year or some nice ladies you talk to only at family gatherings. Seems like a waste of a perfectly good holiday. I'd rather spend that time with people who warm my heart and we share a genuine interest in each other. It was just a light bulb one moment. Ding. Family. That's it. I'm not creative in a lot of domestic type ways (like Jackie for instance. Very creative.) but I am a very emotional person. I have a great big heart. So I might as well take that and use it for something. Being emotional doesn't have to be a hormonal nussiance. I'm going to put a positive spin on it and use it to my advantage. I realize that I have to add money, time and means back into the equation but now....I can use those things as tools to help me acheive the greatness in the areas that I desire.

Amongst the items on my self-review...children. My children are getting older and I've got to find some new approaches. Whatever is going on right now is not working. I can tell you that for a fact. There is too much chaos. In the random out of body experience I explained before I can see A LOT of ugliness in myself. How did I get so impatient and angry? When did I start letting people including toddlers push my buttons? Probably around the time I quit breathing. I've been watching my son lately. His attitude has gotten ugly. Oh wait. My attitude has gotten ugly and his little personality is reflecting it right back in my face. I'm reminded of a quote by who in the world knows that I came accross a few years ago. I'm sure it's ages old. "Let your children see in you what you want to see in them." Hmm. Yep, lead by example. We've been taught that forever. It's funny how I have lived inside my head for all this time and seem to not be very acquainted with myself. It took a 3 1/2 year old boy to mouth off to me one too many times for me to realize that he was just a 3 ft version of myself. Yes, duh, everyone knows that children just mimmick what they see and act like the people who raise them. Well, like I said before I was running too fast to notice. Freeze frame. I see it now. Okay well that part of who I am right now kinda sucks so I need to fix it. That's a life journey within itself and I'm trying to figure out how to do it before I ruin my child.

I don't really talk to people much about things that are under the surface. I used to all the time. I guess that's just one of the many things I tossed out when I piled on so many responsibilites that I lost myself for awhile. But I've slowed down now. Now I understand that ignoring my "think time" for so many years is not such a good idea. One of the joys of being an only child was knowing myself so completely. No one else was around so I had to get to know someone. LOL. I left behind being an only child for the role of wife and mother, etc and left behind a few nice qualities with it. I think I'll just resume some of those right where I left off.

That's all for now. Football is over and my quiet time has been invaded. Maybe tomorrow.