Yesterday was the most surreal day of my life. I spent the day with God. It was an extraordinary day that is so completely different from any other day in my life. I will always remember everything about yesterday. There are a few square miles of earth in a quiet spot of the world that make me feel closer to God than anywhere else. Everything about this place reminds me how amazing life is, that there is meaning far beyond my understanding, and God is only as far away as you make him. I don't know why this place feels so connected to my soul, but it does, and I'm glad my heart has a spot to feel safe. From McLoud exit, past Loves, down to grandma's house, to the cemetary, over the bridge, into Dale, and out a little ways just feels like home. I didn't grow up there. I only lived there for a few years. But every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter and many times in between I shared so many special memories with people that I care so much for. My heart is heavy and my life has changed. I will never again feel as if I am the person I was before yesterday. All of our experiences shape us but some stand out so much more than others. Yesterday was nothing less than a day that God had planned out for my life to happen exactly the way it did.
My grandma's health has been struggling for awhile. I got a call that said, "If you want a chance to tell grandma that you love her and say goodbye you had better do it now." A terrifying phone call to say the least. In the last year my family has encountered so much loss. For someone my age I feel that thru the course of my life I have lost an abnormal amount of people. Most of them my own age. This experience with my grandma has been the most intense emotional experience of my life. For all the people I have lost I have never had anyone in my life go through a "dying experience" until now. I normally am able to maintain a sense of strength. Yesterday I just felt in my gut that any spirit of strength I may possess was out of reach. I drove down I-40 passing the same landmarks, the same trees, the same everything as a million times before. To hear my mother so broken and lost on the phone shook me up. There are times I have prayed, times I have prayed hard and times I have just cried out to the Lord. Yesterday I cried out. Just give me strength. Not a moment of my drive was spent on any thought other than prayer.
I walked into my grandma's house about 1pm. I breathed deep. Her bathroom always smells like Zest soap. Without even thinking about it my nose looks for the smell everytime I'm in there. The way her house smells reminds me of every thing I've ever done in that house or every time that I have been there. My grandmother has been the single most influencial person in my entire life. She is very important to me. I walked into her room and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. She's barely able to move her hands. She can barely utter a word. Her right eye will not open and the left will only open just a little tiny bit. She can't swallow. It was her second day with no food or water (other than a little applesauce with crushed up pain meds in it). Every once in awhile she would call out for her mother. Mostly she just slept. I hadn't heard her say a thing all day until I said, "Grandma I love you." She peeked out of her one eye and managed a mumbled, "I love you too." Her body can not function but her heart is still strong enough to let us hear those words from her. I sat with her. I held her hand. I prayed at her bedside. I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world but right there. I was able to spend some time alone with her, and even though she was barely conscious, I knew she felt me there.
Hospice left a booklet for our family that explained some of the mannerisms or etc. that people who are going through a "dying experience" may exhibit. Most of the things made sense to me. I understood that she was half way in the next world as she is calling for her mother or talking to other deceased people. This booklet came with the approach that someone in this situation has one foot in the next life and one foot remaining in this one. It talked about the journey of facing one's own mortality and how every death is unique. One of the things it listed that people may do around the time they pass away is pick at their clothes or try to unbutton them or undress. The figurative example given there was that perhaps they feel like they have a new life, a new body and they don't need those old clothes anymore. For whatever reason it is that this is a common action it sort of blew my mind. It really reconfirmed to me that there is definately something on the other side. For all the people all over the world through out all time to have this action in common says amazing things. Why if there were nothing beyond this life to experience would the characteristics of someone who is passing away be the same? I guess in death there can be found huge lessons for life. Watching my grandma do the things on this list that so many others do and to pick at her clothes and speak to others already passed on is a very hard thing to do.
I went to the cemetary and stood at my grandfathers grave. He died 18 years ago but I still think about him everyday. I looked at the ground. It was peaceful and undisturbed. As I stood there I knew that the next time I would be standing in that spot the earth would be freshly dug and a big green tent would be overhead. I touched the ground thankful for the solid earth under my hand and cried for Lord to bring my grandmother peace from her suffering and courage to enter the next life.
I could never list all the things that I learned yesterday or the many comforts I found in family that has been so distant to me for so many years. I can't explain the closeness I felt God or the thankfulness I feel for the love that my grandparents have shared. If it weren't for their love I would not exist. Only God creates such a perfect love. It has been amazing to see the crowds of people packed in her little house there out of a genuine love for her and for the life she has led. I am certain that my grandmother has lead a life that has earned her the rewards of heaven. I sat and talked with my children last night to explain to them what they would see today. We went back today to spend some more time there. During my conversation with the children about how grandma has changed but is still the same beautiful woman that has always loved them Caden started talking about heaven. We talked about where heaven was and how soon grandma would be an angel. The last thing Caden said to me about it was, "Mom, we should have some of heaven on earth." He didn't know the magnitude of his words and I agreed. Yes Caden we could use a little more of heaven on earth. I think we can find pieces of heaven here if we open our eyes to it. For me it's those square miles of earth in Dale America where I can most clearly see the wonders God has put on the earth to remind us that there is a heaven.
For now grandma is still with us, but her time is fleeting. I'm thankful for everything she has taught me. I'm thankful for this time we have had together. As far as I'm concerned she will always be here with me whether it's in body or spirit. In two days I have really seen the depth of love and how far it can reach.
Only God creates such perfect love.
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