weeeee hoooo!

I just fixed my comment problem! Watch out, I'm going to be plastered all over your pages now! LOL.

Just Stuff...

Lets see...

I got to spend the whole day with my Dad one day last week. It was a great day. I don't get to spend that much time with him just the two of us. I really appreciated that day. It was one of those days that when my parents are gone....that day will still be with me. Good memories.

Macy turns 2 next month and that is freaking me out a little bit. My children are growing too fast. It only goes faster every day. I have cherished every moment of my unemployment with them. LOL. The 3 of us needed this time together. Caden finishes his first year of preschool on Friday. I can't believe he is such a little man. He's got killer dance moves too! If you haven't seen them you gotta ask him next time you see him. He could teach us all a few good moves. LOL. I love my children. They are God's most amazing gift. I was born to be a mother and feel complete now that I have little someone's to call me Mommy. Although they are going thru a phase where they are calling me Sara and it's driving me completely insane.

We are healing slowly after the death of our friend. Derrick was a best friend. It's going to be a long journey. The whole group of us are trying to make it thru one day at a time. I went to visit his mom yesterday. She needs prayers. She has a long hard struggle ahead of her. I still haven't slept a night without seeing him in my dreams. We all talk about him alot. He should still be here with us. Eventually we start to forgive and find a way to miss him without the tears and anger and denial. I hope that day is soon. So pray for us. Pray for his parents. I hope this is an experience that makes my group of friends stronger. I know we will certainly do our best to take better care of each other from now on. We all carry a guilt with us that is hard to let go. So this is me reminding everyone to tell your friends, your kids, your parents, your pets, whoever....just say I love you every chance you get.

On that note I vote for a Sanders family picnic soon. Didn't we bbq out at a park a few years ago? Whatever happened to our lake reunions. We should still do that. Seriously. I like my family on non-holiday days too. LOL! Leave me some comments. I need to know I'm not talking to myself on here. LOL. Seriously I have some blogger problem and it will not let me leave comments on anyone's pages.I don't know what the deal is. I'll buckle down and figure it out soon. But I do read everyone's blogs nearly every day. I think you are all hilarious, insightful and interesting. I love the internet. LOL. God forbid I pick up the phone and call one of you.......ha ha ha!

Laura, your baby is beautiful. Welcome to the most incredible journey of your life. You are going to be an excellent mom. I don't know your husband, but I say save the worst dirty diapers for him! LOL. It'll build character. JK. Congratulations Phil and Jackie on grandbaby #2!

Macy's bday is July 6 and I'm going to plan something for her. I don't know what. We don't really know any other kids, so poor Tristian has to be the cool older kid for mine to follow around. He seems to deal with that okay though! More details on that later!

Oh, and my 10 year high school reunion is next weekend. I went shopping. Specifically bought a dress that says, "Why yes I can still wear a size 6 after having two children. Thank you for asking." LMAO. I know. I'm a jerk, but it is a little funny, right?

New Family Pictures

Just venting...

We have to be aware of so much around us every day. Driving we have to be aware of everything going on around us. Raising children you have to hear every sound and see every move. Going through every motion every day attacks every sense. It gets too easy to switch to autopilot. So easy most of us don't even realize we aren't running the controls. I am turning 28 this weekend and I have had more friends my own age die than I have fingers. On some level I believe that is abnormal. But at the same time it's a jolt back into reality every so often. I think that most of us tend to be more aware of the time we have left with the older people in our lives. Young people "aren't supposed to die" (yeah, whatever), so it feels like time with them is infinite. If there is something that I need to take away from the events of this last weekend is that I need to be more aware of my time with everyone in my life. Not just grandparents or older friends and family. My friends....we are closer than family. We know things about each other we hide from parents or conveniently omit to family. Which is not an invitation for anyone to go asking what I'm hiding because trust me it can't be that interesting. But this group of friends I have, we take care of each other. We need each other. I mean, that's why we have family and friends. We network because we need to relate to other similar people. We need to feel connected. So now, I look around at my friends and we all look and feel so guilty. What could I have done or said differently that could have changed things? For so many years when Chris and his friends left their parents homes and got out on their own I instinctively took care of everyone. Not because I decided to. It just happened. I have a natural mother hen inside of me and if you stick around for too long you are bound to be mothered. That is just how God made me. I know that in reality there is probably nothing anyone could have said or done to change the way things happened. But there is a process to this awful grieving thing and right now we are all stuck at mad, confused, and guilty. I'm hanging onto a little denial myself, but I'm sure that will change once we see our friend lying in state. Things like this change who people are. I already feel different. I don't want to autopilot. I want to notice everything around me. Pick up on the little things. Notice if a friend is hurting however quietly. The only inspiring thing I can say about death is the number of people that surface once someone is gone. You might think you only have a few friends, but when the service starts there is standing room only. We all touch more people in our lives than we could know. I just want the people in my life to know how much they are loved while I still have the chance to tell them. And the only people who have this blog link are people that I love. So if you are reading this it means I love you and you have touched my life. So forget that I need to go to the grocery store or pick up some things at Target or give the kids a bath or whatever. I want to make more time for the people in my life. I suppose that I have the next several thousand years to lie down and sleep. I should use the moments I have to run and walk and play and laugh to the best of my ability.

Poop on this week...

One of our very closest friends died this weekend. The whole situation is really f'n messed up. I'm sure that I will vent out and elaborate more later. But we are sad, angry, confused and I can't sleep without having nightmares. I can't remember the last time someone had to remind me to eat something. My love affair with food is on a hiatus this week. This whole situation can only be explained with many explitives and phrases that would offend anyone with working ears. But, grief aside, Derrick we will always love you and never forget you.

To Beth and Brandee.....

For some reason this stupid blogger will not allow me to leave comments on anyone's blog. So here are my comments.

Beth, maybe you or someone could explain to me what the deal is between grandma and I. I only remember bits and pieces mostly from when I got older. It's really important to me that I have some kind of relationship with grandma while she is still here. Maybe if I understand what happened I will be able to repair some of my heartache. I have this horrible feeling that I am going to live with a hole inside me forever for not having known my grandma. I would like a chance to salvage my relationship with her. Grandma is getting older and we already almost lost her once. I would love a chance to talk with her about it all before it's too late. Or if she didn't want to talk to me about it, at least I would understand. I'm just kind of sitting over here feeling like I got picked on for some random unknown reason. I'm sure there is a reason out there. Mom and Dad are not so good at explaining this to me.

Brandee, I think that we must go out for coffee or ice cream soon. I would love to compare notes with you on our family. You are a step ahead of me in life and have a good perspective. I think we could have a very interesting time! Remember I am just a mile away from the college, so if you ever have a lunch hour to spare call me up! And BTW your last blog was worded far more eloquently that I could have. I would have probably just flown off at the mouth and said unneccessary things. You did a good job.

We Had the WORST Vacation Ever!!

This past weekend was the Cox fishing tournament. We have been looking forward to it for months. Chris and I love to fish every chance we get and this was a chance to fish for money! What could be better? Well, I can tell you what could be worse.........our whole weekend! It started bad, ended bad and only had a glimmer of hope in the middle! For one thing we waited too long to make reservations for a hotel room. We wanted to leave on Thursday so we could get up early Friday and scope out the lake for good spots. However, I called every hotel in Atoka, Oklahoma and there were no rooms for Thursday night. Finally I found a place we could check in on Friday. Basically we got the last hotel room in town. Friday we were supposed to get on the road about 6 am. That would have given us plenty of time to still check out the lake and fish awhile before checking in for the tournament at 6 pm. Chris has poured his heart and soul into this dinky little aluminum boat of Dad's trying to get it ready to go. Last year we took it out there and it worked in the driveway and wouldn't work once we got there. We were determined to avoid that fate this time. I can't even tell you the hours and hours Chris has put in and the hundreds of dollars Dad has shelled out to make this boat work. Anyhow, Chris was installing seats on the boat and didn't get finished by Thursday night. So we decided we could get up early to work on it and if we left by 9 or 10 we could still check out the lake a little. Well it took three times longer to fix the seats than anticipated. Then when we finally started loading up the truck a massive thunderstorm rolled in. We were running around in the rain drenched to the core trying to load up. Eventually the storm let up and we didn't leave until 1 pm. It was a 4 hour drive there. We barely made it there to check in at the hotel and get to the lake. So we didn't get to put the boat in the water at all. Not even for 5 minutes to make sure it was going to run. The funny thing was that on the drive down Chris and I were talking about how everytime we try to do something special together or special with the kids it always ends in disaster. We were motivated during the drive and decided that this was the weekend that we break the curse! We really needed a few days out of town with each other. Away from the kids, work, cell phones, friends and family. Just the two of us! It was a nice road trip down there.

A nice surprise was the hotel. I didn't know what kind of hotel room I had booked or what kind of place it was in. All I knew was that I managed to get the last room in town by calling every single hotel so we had to take whatever we got. It turned out that the hotel was really nice and close to the highway that lead to the lake. That it about the last positive thing I can say.

At some point that weekend driving back and forth I thought a rock hit the windshield but we didn't see any chips or marks to prove it. So we forgot about it. We had drawn launch number 5 which is good if you know your boat is going to work. Last year we only had 30 boats in the tournament. This year we had almost 60. So that is a lot of people to get embarassed in front of if your dinky little boat won't run. Everyone there has nice expensive new bass boats. We, of course, were the only people there with a hundred year old tin foil boat. I had almost wished I had drawn boat 60! We felt pretty confident about the boat being able to run. Chris had worked so hard and it ran in the driveway the night before for almost an hour. On the other hand we were both "waiting for the other shoe to drop" as disaster is always present for our events. We got up at 3:30 am and got to the dock at 5:00am. It was too freakin early to even deal with disaster! And what happens? Sure enough.....we get on the water and the boat mocks us. Amongst the sputtering and clouds of smoke I can hear the motor laughing at us saying, "You fools! You have wasted your time with me!" So here we are in front of 60 boats of 2 man teams and countless volunteers with a broken and useless boat. Everyone just went ahead and launched onto the lake while we sat there cursing the boat and trying to figure out what to do. Our only option was to use the trolling motor and head over to a little cove close to the docks. Which, may I mention, is the most fished out area in the whole lake. So we kissed the $1500 grand prize goodbye and tried to just enjoy the day on the water hanging out with each other. Chris ended up catching 4 fish to my 0. First time in 7 years Chris has ever out fished me! I guess I have to let him win every now and then though! We had a nice time out on the water but it was so frustrating just knowing that for the 2nd year in a row we were stuck with a broken boat. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if Dad and Chris hadn't spent so much money and so much time preparing the boat. Dad even took his free time to find maps of the lake and study them so we would know the lake well and find the best fishing spots. In the end we placed 20th out of 60. Which I guess is okay. But there was no prize for place 20. :(

We stayed Saturday night even though most of the tournament participants went on home. Everyone else there had shown up a day early like we had wanted to. There was nothing at all to do in this little town. The only thing open past 10 (besides Walmart) was a little bar up the highway called Joyce's Bar in Lane, OK. I was scared to walk into a little townie bar. It was obvious that all the people there were long time residents and very close. I wasn't sure how accepting they would be of strangers. Turned out they were some of the nicest people I had ever met but we came about an inch away from witnessing a bar brawl. It was like something out of an old western. Luckily the guy causing trouble got ushered out before any punches were thrown. I would not have wanted to see the results of any kind of fight in there.

Sunday morning we get in the truck to head home. The windshield was cracked all the way from the bottom up. I guess that rock I thought may have hit the windshield did do some damage after all. With the heat and the windows rolled up it took no time at all for the whole windshield to crack. Wonderful. The boat didn't work and now we have to come up with a bunch of money to replace the windshield. I'm just thrilled. So that made the drive home a little grumpy. We were making great time and were eager to see the kids. I hate being away from them for very long. We were nearly home and the wheel flew off the boat trailer, bounced off a passing truck and landed in a field! We pulled over and the left side of the trailer was just sitting on the axel ( i assume that is what it's called). I looked around and we were on i-40 between the Dale exit and McCloud exit. Which means I was about 1 mile and a half from my grandma Irene's house. You can take either of those exits to her house. I guess if it had to happen at least we were close to a relative's home. Which means I had to call my Aunt Jeanie. My Sanders family doesn't know much about my relationship with my mom's family, but it's strained at best. Esp with Jeanie. Jeanie and I have been in a few shouting matches and I've nearly punched her in the jaw a few times. Which isn't much like me. I try to behave like a lady as much as possible. We always fight about my mom though. And if you are going to argue with me about my mother you better come prepared. She is my best friend in the whole world and I feel just as protective over her as I do one of my children. Anyhow, I had to swallow my pride and called Aunt Jeanie. Turns out she was really nice and took good care of us. We had the boat towed to her house (she lives with grandma) so we wouldn't have a huge tow bill. She gave us the number of the wrecker company accross the street from her house and even came out to the highway and checked on us. So now the broken boat is sitting in grandma's driveway.

To sum up......the boat didn't work, the tournament was a wash, the windsheild busted and the wheel flew off the boat trailer. I don't plan on taking any more vacations for awhile!

Trip to Gma's

Today Mom, Caden, Macy and I went to visit Grandma Irene. I don't get to see my grandma near enough. She just celebrated her 91st birthday last week. I'm very sad that I don't get to visit her more often. It's hard on me when we do visit her. She is really slowing down and seems very tired. Sometimes she says she is "ready to go home." Those are the hardest words to hear from someone. I know that she is scared that she is not long for this world because when we leave she always makes it a point to say good-bye like it is the last time we see each other. The kids spent some time in her lap and gave her hugs and kisses. On the way there I explained to them how important grandma is and what a special lady she is. They really seemed to understand how much I love her. It's always surprising how intuitive children are to those kinds of things. Grandma and I have always been close. She never likes my hair, but other than that she has been a huge supporter in my life. It's nice to have that relationship with her.

I wish that I had a closer relationship with my other grandma. Grandma Sanders and I have never been close. At least she is nice to me now. I have definately struggled over my relationship with her. There are lots of things from my childhood and even some things that happened when I was in college that I have been trying to let go of. I don't know if she ever meant to hurt my feelings (except a few specific times I remember) or even knew she was hurting my feelings. We really don't have a grandma/grandaughter relationship at all. I'm probably much closer to some of my aunts and uncles. I've put in the effort to reach out to her several times but she never seemed very receptive. I guess we are just all different in how we approach our family relationships. Oh well, maybe one day it will get better and I will be able to have some great memories with BOTH of my grandmas.

Anyhow, I'm still enjoying my time with the kids. The past 2 days have been great. Caden is in school the rest of the week and Macy and I will have some one on one time. I am looking forward to some girl time with her but I will really miss having Caden in on it. The upside is that I will finally get to take him to school and pick him up and get some face time with his teachers.

WoooHooo!

So today was my first official day among the ranks of the unemployed. For those of you who don't know I decided to finish up some of my classes. I've been trying to do so while working full time and raising 2 toddlers and taking care of a house and husband. I'm sure you can guess...I didn't get much done with school. Anyway, my class starts next week so this week I am enjoying some quality time with my children. Today we went to McDonalds and then spent a few very enjoyable hours at the park. There is a really great park not to far from where we live. It's out away from town and it's only a year or two old. All the equipment is brand new and it's a very well kept secret. I'm happy to report that both of the kids, even Macy, played well with the other kids and had a great time. It has been a wonderful and perfect day with my babies. I wouldn't trade this day for anything. I'm looking forward to spending as much time as I can with them this week doing Mommy and Caden and Macy time. I hope this week lasts forever. It's MUCH better than it used to be when they were really little and I would struggle all day to get things done and welcome Chris home with peanut butter in my hair and formula all over my clothes! LOL. So, here's hoping for a never ending week!

Allow me to say a few things

People who bite or chew hard candy: This is not the intended purpose of hard candy and is very annoying to bystanders. This must be one of the worst sounds, especially in a waiting room or etc. when the sound is deafening throughout the space. Please keep the disgusting slobbery sounds to yourself!
Snoring: If you snore it means something is broke so PLEASE fix it! If you refuse to fix it please remain single until your passing. It is rude to torture your spouse with endless nights of obnoxious attempts to breathe. I would really hate to suffocate my loved one in their sleep just so I can move on to be a productive and well rested person.
People who do not wear deodorant: For less than $5 a month you can end unnecessary body odor. Please do not tell me that you prefer to be “natural” or some other ridiculous claim. It is 2007. The hippie age is long over. There are no slaughtering of animals or other brutality involved in the making of deodorant. Smelly armpits do not “stick it to the man”. So you see there are no valid reasons to forgo the deodorant. Again, less than $5 and 30 seconds of your time. So please……spare us all. Nobody wants to sit next to the smelly kid in class.

Update

So, I haven't posted in forever. Sorry! I've been busting my butt around the house and at work. It's amazing how busy I can stay and how hard I can work and then just have to start all over again the next day. Let's see what's going on.........?

We didn't make it to Grandma's bday lunch. Which was all my fault. Last Feb I knocked some discs out of place in my back and have had an ongoing problem for the last year. Then the day before our Olive Garden plans I somehow managed to hurt my back all over again. And just where I was getting to the point I could function day to day without pain meds. Anyway, I was crying in pain all Sunday morning and could hardly walk. There was no way I was going to attempt wrestling the kids in a restraunt. So, unfortunately we had to miss out and I had been looking very forward to going. Caden was upset about it because he knew we were supposed to see Tristan. I'm very happy to hear that Daniel and his family were there. I have really enjoyed seeing them the last few gatherings. I've missed having Daniel around. When I was a little kid I thought he was the biggest strongest boy I knew. I guess I still kinda do. He just seems like a very tough guy.

Caden has been amazing me. His imagination is so big. I hear him playing with his toys in his room and he comes up with some of the most intriguing things. I still can't figure out what category my little boy is going to fall into. He is super smart, loves dinosaurs, Jimmy Neutron, race cars, video games, skateboards, and baseball. I guess he is going to be a smart sporty skater kid? LOL. I guess we will see! I still can't believe he's 3. This is still a crisis for me.

Macy just turned 19 months. She is 90% potty trained. In fact she even makes it thru some nights without wetting the bed now. I am very much looking forward to NEVER buying diapers again! Her personality is really starting to blossom. She used to be so shy and withdrawn. Now she is so happy and funny...and is as much of a ham as her brother is. She can count to 10 and say the entire alphabet. I'm very proud!

Sorry for the delay in posting. I'll try to make a little more time to keep everyone up to date! We missed everyone last Sunday!

Sara

Merry Christmas

Caden's Christmas program was Thursday. It was our first ever event! He did a wonderful job. I cried the whole time. I tried to hide it but I was not successful. It was just one of those moments where you see your child taking steps on his own and are overcome with pride. I will see if I can put the video on here via youtube or upload some pictures. It was far to priceless to not share with all of you. I'm looking forward to Christmas. We have David S., Sami, Brandee and Chance on our list. So far I have only purchased Sami's but know what I'm getting David and Brandee. Sorry Chance.....I'm really struggling with this gift. Chris says he has it under control though. Maybe I should take this as a sign of someone I ought to get to know a little better. LOL. More later..........

Happy Holidays!

I love the holidays!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I want to let my family know that this year Chris and I have decided to stay home for Thanksgiving. We always have 4 or 5 places to go for every holiday and it is exhausting for our children and for us. My parents and Chris’s parents do so much for us. They are our daycare (for free mind you), the in-laws make a big family dinner for us every Sunday and they are all always there at the drop of a hat if we need them for anything. Thanksgiving seemed like the perfect opportunity to take time out and let them know how thankful we are for all that they do for us. So we are going to cook up a big dinner and have them over for Thanksgiving. Also, Dad will be overseas and it is important to me that Mom does not have to spend the holiday on her own.
On the other hand I find it sort of strange that this year of all years we decided to have our own Thanksgiving. Now more than I ever had I feel the need to connect with my extended family and let our relationships grow from Aunt/Uncle to niece to something of an adult friendship. The thing I love the most about my dad’s siblings is that everyone is so different. We have a good mix of people to make up this big family. I think that is also why it was so easy for me to introduce Chris and bring him into my family traditions. Everyone is a little bit different so no one is really out of place. I think it’s a beautiful thing. As I am growing into my role as an adult, wife and mother I find that I really enjoy reaching out to my aunts and uncles for advice or just to hear funny stories of things that happened to them when all the cousins were small and they were in the place I am now.
It is a blessing to read all these blogs and get a glimpse into the private lives of the people that make up my family. I really don’t know my family on anything more than a holiday gathering level. Last night I read Beth’s new blog. I got a little weepy. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a real conversation with Aunt Beth but I’ve always thought of her as such a beautiful person on the outside. It’s nice to see the beauty on the inside too. I appreciate the raw honesty I took from her last post. Sometimes I find that I censor myself for what goes into my posts and focus mostly on my children. After all my family is reading! My whole life it has been Grandma’s family. Now all Dad’s brothers and sisters are Grandma and Grandpa themselves and we are all starting to focus more on our immediate family rather than the group of us as a whole. I’ve always wondered if we would still all get together for holidays when Grandma isn’t here to bring us together anymore. As important as it is to share the holidays with our children and grandchildren I do hope that we still make time to gather as a big group. I still have many life lessons to learn and lots of aunts and uncles to guide me.
To sum up, I love my family. I love reading their blogs. And if I do anything to encourage someone else this year I hope that it is to encourage my family to open up and get to know each other on a more personal level. Pick an aunt, uncle or cousin and have a conversation with them about something that is important to you or something you have learned. Thank you Grandma for having a bunch of children so that I could have a big group of people to love and learn from. I hope that in the years to come we do not take each other for granted. I hope that everyone else enjoys watching the people around me grow as much as I do. I guess that I have turned into quite an emotional person, but it is hard not to be moved when the blessings in my life are so many.

Just a thought

After listening to a co-worker whine about his childhood today my mind was sparked. I sat patiently listening and offering some encouraging advice, but that isn’t what I really wanted to do. I wanted to say, “Stop whining that your childhood wasn’t perfect. No ones childhood is perfect. You should just be happy that you had parents that loved you and looked out for you. Not everyone has parents that care so much. And furthermore it is ridiculous to expect perfection from your parents. We don’t know what we are doing. Every stage in our child’s life is new to us too. We are figuring it out right along with you. 99% of parents are trying as hard as they can and doing things the only way they know how to help you survive in life. So quit bitching and send your parents some flowers for being so unreasonable.”

Had this conversation taken place before I had children I might have been whining too, but motherhood has given me a new perspective. I have to admit that I have no idea what I am doing as a parent. Sometimes I look at my children and think, “How did I get put in charge? I’m not qualified for this!” I know that there will come a day when my children tell me that I did everything wrong and on that day my world will shatter. After I piece myself back together I will just remind them gently that from the moment they were conceived I did everything I could to help them be healthy, happy and successful people. I am quite tired of hearing co-workers and friends and people on TV whine about how their failures or disappointments stem from bad parenting. Everyone is looking to blame someone else. At what point will people realize that we are all responsible for our own feelings and decisions? I dropped out of college. Is that my parents fault? Nope. It’s my fault for being so concerned with self gratification. There are far too many children in this world who are beaten and neglected. Many of them rise above it and counsel other children in the same situation. Why? Because they choose to recognize that their life is what THEY make it. I will do all that I can for my children, but in the end it up to them whether they make good choices and behave like good people. Parenting is a really tough job. It’s the hardest job on the planet to be responsible for ushering a child into adulthood. So, to my co-workers, friends and people on TV cut your parents some slack. If you think you can do a better job than they did, great, you’ll see how hard it is when you try parenting for yourself. And most likely you will then realize that you have been acting like a jackass and owe someone an apology.

Some pictures of the new house

The truth about parenthood

Here is the truth about parenthood that I discovered just today:

You spend your young life dreaming of babies to hold, children to love and care for....you get pregnant...carry them around in your belly awhile.....bring home the most fragile thing you've ever seen.........hold them for what seems like 5 minutes......and from the first second they learn to crawl you spend the rest of your life learning to let go!

I will explain how I came to this conclusion later, maybe tomorrow. But here's a hint.......Caden has decided to start going to school! You can probably put the pieces together! I'm a mess!

~S~

I'm loving every step of this journey called parenthood

When I started this whole parenting thing I had a pre-set picture in mind. I dreamt of cuddly babies that coo and fall asleep in my arms. I thought of t-ball and soccer and cheerleading and gymnastics. I mostly thought of babies and teenagers. I kind of skipped that whole 1-10 age in my thoughts. I don’t know why. I guess that I mostly have my own memories from ages older than 10….and every woman thinks about babies. The one thing that I promised myself before becoming a parent is that I would remember how aware of everything I was as a child. I got so frustrated growing up when others acted like I couldn’t understand things or couldn’t see what was really going on just because I was a kid. I probably noticed more than they did. So, I made a deal with myself to always give my own children the credit that they deserve. Now, skipping the 1-10 age in my daydreams, though accidental, has caused me all kinds of trouble. I never knew how difficult it could be to maintain a 2 year old! They are pretty small so it seems easy enough, right? No, not so much.

There are so many misconceptions about parenthood. I blame it on parents everywhere. No one ever talks about how hard it is to keep your cool, or how hard it is to accomplish every day little tasks like stopping at the grocery store for milk. I guess that it is like most other things. After the moment has passed we tend to remember the best stuff. Not talking about how frustrating it can be and how parenthood is a learning experience every day is making young women like myself all over the world feel like we are not measuring up. I didn’t know anything about kids when I got pregnant with Caden, other than that I wanted a baby. Everyone said, “Oh it will come to you.” Whatever! Little things have come to me like how to find the best way to hold down a squirming baby while wrangling it into a diaper because nature forced me to find a solution. However, keeping my children in a basket while grocery shopping, or keeping them in the dressing room while trying on clothes, or keeping them from getting us kicked out of a restaurant are not coming so easily. You hear all those stories about the mother in Wal-Mart freaking out while her child has a meltdown in the middle of the aisle and you hope to God that is never you. At least I did anyway. As my children get older and more able to make choices I am inching closer and closer to being the mom that falls apart in Wal-Mart.

I think that society influenced me to think that my life needs to revolve around my children and anything less than that is selfish. I felt horribly selfish for wanting to go back to work. Staying home everyday got very frustrating and I felt very isolated. I thought, “What kind of mother WANTS to leave her children each day for work?” I thought for sure that made me less of a mom. Secretly I knew that if I went to work then the hours I had in the evening with my children would be much better spent. Since they weren’t glued to me every minute I would more appreciate the time that we have at night and really make it quality time. Going to work every day makes me a better mother. This may not be true for everyone, but it is true for me. I’m also setting a good example for my daughter by showing her that she can grow up and have whatever career she wants and still be a fantastic wife and mom. Some days I do daydream about staying home with them and spending our days coloring and going to the park, but that is so unrealistic. Staying home for me was day after day with peanut butter in my hair and spit up all over my clothes, and bribing my children to let me have a shower.

I think that it is time for mothers and fathers to finally admit that parenting is hard and not view that as a weakness. I had this idea of being a “supermom.” You know, the one who gets up early every morning, gets herself beautiful, makes breakfast, dresses her children, packs their bags, gets them to daycare/school on time, spends a full day at work, rushes home to cook dinner, make cookies and muffins, color pictures, clean house, do laundry, clean dishes, do bathtime, read bedtime stories, and send my children into a wonderful nights sleep…..ALL IN THE SAME DAY! I wish you knew just how hard I am laughing at myself. I have tossed and turned at night and struggled so much over accepting the fact that I just can’t do everything all the time. Sometimes the house will not be clean. Sometimes the dishes will be undone. Sometimes my children will go to bed way past bedtime with chocolate poptart crumbs in their bed. Until recently I have felt that if I leave any of these things undone that I am failing at my job as a wife and mother. It leads to great feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I look at other moms and think that they have it all and get it all done, why can’t I? Well, you know what? The probably don’t have it all done either. It’s time for me to hang up my cape and put away these silly fantasies of being a supermom.

What led me to finally accepting that being less than perfect is okay? Well, for one thing chasing this “perfection” has made my life total chaos. I was thinking about Caden and Macy the other day and thought, “They are so out of control. I have got to get some order back into our lives.” When really they are just being everything that a 1 and 2 year old should be. I am the one that is out of control. I get frustrated very easily and lose my temper. I think this is because I don’t allow much room for error. That is unfair of me. I expect my children to behave and stay calm, but I find that I’m always the one who is freaking out first. So, of course they are going to freak out too! I have realized that every person is different. Every mother is different. Every child is different. So why am I trying to make my little family fit into this ideal mold that is supposed to be “the right way.” If all of these things are different there can not be one solution. I have learned that I am allowed to have my own way to mother my individual children. There are ways that I can parent Caden that I can not parent Macy. They are so different from each other and I can not expect them to respond to the same things. Now that I am really trying to embrace “The Sara Way” instead of “The Right Way” I’m enjoying my children so much more. I still have my moments when things aren’t just right and I lose it, but I’m working on it. I don’t want to program them to be little robots that follow my instructions. I want them to learn to make choices. Everything is a choice. Caden chooses not to eat his dinner. Macy chooses to constantly attach herself to my leg so that I can’t walk. I want Caden to choose to eat his dinner and Macy to choose to walk beside me instead of on me. Children are forced to do so many things. I don’t need to add more to it.

So, I am just going to be an easy going, loving, patient mom (just like I am as Sara) and not torture myself or my children for not being perfect. If you see me in Wal-Mart and my children are screaming or begging for toys and I am just pushing my cart, humming a song and getting my groceries…..don’t curse me for having loud children. Praise me for keeping it together in a stressful situation and for teaching my children by example that freaking out is not the answer. Eventually they will start humming along with me.

More of the pics from Will Rogers Park

Macy's 1st Birthday