When did I quit breathing? Part 2

I can't sleep. I've been lying here thinking about when it was that life started standing still and I was tossed head first into this "review". I stopped working in March. I'm sure that has something to do with it. Being a working mother is completely different than being a stay at home mother. It was a while yet before life got extra emotional. Aha. In May one of our best friends died. The grief that comes along with losing someone so close to you on account that they chose themselves to leave the world (I am not yet able to confront the word "suicide") is wholly different than losing someone to an accident or health, etc. There is such an intense anger and personal guilt that comes along with that kind of grief. I think that is when I started looking around again. Amid all those questions of "Why didn't I see that coming?" "What should or could I have done differently that would have prevented this?" "What kind of friend am I for not seeing that something was that desperately wrong?" It's an experience that can certainly throw anyone into an emotional tailspin. I made a pact with myself to pay more attention to what's going on around me and how my behavior affects other people or doesn't affect other people, for that matter. As a group of friends we made a pact to take better care of each other. I think this is when I started searching. I find that while I'm going thru the things in my head that I want/need to address about my "who i am right now" my friend often comes to mind. I think my grief and my soul searching have intertwined or set each other off or just taken over. Why on earth would I work thru something like my soul journey or my grief journey where anyone can read it? I don't know. I have to have an outlet somewhere. Isn't this something that is more of a quiet, private thing? Blah. I've never been very quiet. I talk too much too often and am aware of it. I've never been very private either. I don't like having secrets. Well, if they are your secrets you can bet your life that I will keep my mouth shut. I don't like having secrets of my own. It makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed of or I'm hiding something. That's an icky feeling. I try to eliminate as much ickyness as I can. So, if you don't care to get personal then don't read. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. And I'm okay with that.

It feels good to have at least an idea of what set this whole thing off. You never know. I thought that maybe I was unhappy about something that I wasn't yet aware of or something. I was getting paranoid about everything. Is my marriage stable? Am I a bad mom? Have I just screwed everything up to the point that I am standing here wondering what has happened here? No. It's nice to have answered those horrible questions. I started searching for answers to some incredibly difficult questions concerning my friend and like most everything I start...went off on a tangent. There is alot concerning my deceased friend that I am not yet ready to face. I can't face "the word". There is an incredible stigma that goes with that word and I just can't attach that to my friend. But I am ready to face myself. So at least I can feel good about that. I just feel like I need to know what's going on around me. I need to be aware of the people in my life. I need to put out as much as I can for the people I love. I don't ever want to feel like a crappy friend again. I don't want to feel like I could have loved someone more or been there more. I don't want to speed past people including myself. I'm honestly trying to fulfill that too. I wrote my grandma Irene that letter. I drove to Norman and visited grandma Euletta today...for the first time ever. I want to learn something from what I've been thru this year that will help me feel like even though something really bad happened I learned a lesson and put it to good use. The pain I have in my heart for my friend isn't just here to torture me. It's trying to tell me something. I've figured out part of the message but I still have a long way to go.

Stupid chores

Seems like every time I turn around I'm learning something new about taking care of my home. I just finished scrubbing all the cabinets and walls and baseboards in my kitchen. This is a stupid chore. I NEVER knew that I was suppose to clean the walls. I mean seriously. They just stand there and we walk around them. It does no good to mop a floor if there are grubby baseboards right next to the clean tile. And it isn't the dirt you can sweep off with a broom. You have to actually get down there and elbow it off. How does this grub even occur. What is causing stickiness on baseboards to the point that I have to buy a special cleaning thing to get if off? And my oh my. The walls and cabinets. It isn't just within range of my children. There were spots and splatters and sticky stuff all the way to the ceiling. Really? We can't even reach up there! If I have to stand on a chair to reach it, it seems like it would be hard to get dirty. Dust I can understand, but grime? I never in my life remember seeing anyone wash a wall or scrub a baseboard. I have lived in several houses and apartments and such. Never ever did it occur to me that this was a chore I needed to keep up with. I just so happened to see a spot on the cabinet and when I started looking around I was floored! This is one of those things that makes me feel like there is a chore conspiracy that is not going in my favor. I think it is silly that such grime occurs and I would like to revolt.

When did I quit breathing?

I heard that your twenties are all about figuring out who you really are etc. Well this is a retarded theory. There is no answer to that question. There is no way to define who anyone is completly. Maybe we can answer who we are right now but that is as far as it goes. We always have the option to change. We can change as much or as many times as we want. There is no definitive answer to who am I? At 20 I was a young single woman. At 22 I was a newly married young lady. At 24 I was giving birth to my first child. At 26 I was giving birth to my second child. At 28, among a sigh of relief, there is nothing new happening. Life started moving so fast that somewhere along the way I just quit breathing. Breathing is mostly an autonomic action. When did I have to start reminding myself to continue natural reflexes? Maybe I was just running thru life so fast that I couldn't catch my breath. For whatever reason led me to this moment, I find myself sitting here gasping for air. I'm not really sure how to approach life at this point. I think my 20's have been a good example at how quickly life changes. For now I have to concentrate on catching my breath.

It leaves me at a really akward point in my life. For 8 years I've been speeding. Now I'm at an abrupt halt. It really is almost like life is standing completely still. You know those few seconds before and during an accident when everything moves soooo slow? I feel kind of trapped there in some random out of body experience where I can see myself from a few steps back really clearly. Like REALLY clearly. Almost like I just met myself or something. It seems like a thousand things run thru your heard in nano seconds then in a blink you just react. I've had the unfortunate practice at this during a few car crashes. I don't think there is any more accurate description of my life at this very moment.

I'm currently amid an involuntary self-review. I've just been thrown in. I guess that is what happens when you take a person, like myself, who genuinely longs for a deeper connection with life and stop allowing time to catch up and think and just breathe. I've learned a lot of new things about myself in the last few months or so. I've thought a lot at what do I want to be GREAT at in my life? Strip away all the pesky little issues the world has in the current day like money and time and means. At the core of my being I think it is my longing to be great at family. Not just as a mother. I've always known my intentions for being a good mother, but at everything I consider to be family. My extended family has evolved drastically over the last decade. I stopped keeping in touch with my mother's family and started reaching out to my father's. Which seems odd because in my childhood it was quite opposite. My friends are my family and I would like my family to be my friends. Isn't that kind of the point? Who wants to share a holiday with some guy you see once a year or some nice ladies you talk to only at family gatherings. Seems like a waste of a perfectly good holiday. I'd rather spend that time with people who warm my heart and we share a genuine interest in each other. It was just a light bulb one moment. Ding. Family. That's it. I'm not creative in a lot of domestic type ways (like Jackie for instance. Very creative.) but I am a very emotional person. I have a great big heart. So I might as well take that and use it for something. Being emotional doesn't have to be a hormonal nussiance. I'm going to put a positive spin on it and use it to my advantage. I realize that I have to add money, time and means back into the equation but now....I can use those things as tools to help me acheive the greatness in the areas that I desire.

Amongst the items on my self-review...children. My children are getting older and I've got to find some new approaches. Whatever is going on right now is not working. I can tell you that for a fact. There is too much chaos. In the random out of body experience I explained before I can see A LOT of ugliness in myself. How did I get so impatient and angry? When did I start letting people including toddlers push my buttons? Probably around the time I quit breathing. I've been watching my son lately. His attitude has gotten ugly. Oh wait. My attitude has gotten ugly and his little personality is reflecting it right back in my face. I'm reminded of a quote by who in the world knows that I came accross a few years ago. I'm sure it's ages old. "Let your children see in you what you want to see in them." Hmm. Yep, lead by example. We've been taught that forever. It's funny how I have lived inside my head for all this time and seem to not be very acquainted with myself. It took a 3 1/2 year old boy to mouth off to me one too many times for me to realize that he was just a 3 ft version of myself. Yes, duh, everyone knows that children just mimmick what they see and act like the people who raise them. Well, like I said before I was running too fast to notice. Freeze frame. I see it now. Okay well that part of who I am right now kinda sucks so I need to fix it. That's a life journey within itself and I'm trying to figure out how to do it before I ruin my child.

I don't really talk to people much about things that are under the surface. I used to all the time. I guess that's just one of the many things I tossed out when I piled on so many responsibilites that I lost myself for awhile. But I've slowed down now. Now I understand that ignoring my "think time" for so many years is not such a good idea. One of the joys of being an only child was knowing myself so completely. No one else was around so I had to get to know someone. LOL. I left behind being an only child for the role of wife and mother, etc and left behind a few nice qualities with it. I think I'll just resume some of those right where I left off.

That's all for now. Football is over and my quiet time has been invaded. Maybe tomorrow.

Ta Da!

I'm taking the kids to go visit grandma Euletta this week. She seemed pretty bummed out about Alice and I thought it might be nice to drop by and see her. Plus I'm really working on getting to know her. She said some very nice things to me when we spoke at the cemetary. She seemed like she would enjoy it if we stopped by so I think on Tuesday we will drive to Norman and spend the afternoon with her. Mom is going to call her tomorrow to make sure it's okay and to see what time is best for her. I hope my kids don't destroy her apartment. :) I will let you all know how it goes.

Challenge Me I Dare You!

Several months ago (May maybe) I had Chris's wedding ring resized. He couldn't decide if he needed an 11 1/2 or 12. So they did an 11 1/2 and said if that didn't work to bring it back and they would do it again for free. What do you know? He needed a 12. I put the ring in my purse and forgot all about it. He's been walking around for months with no ring! I noticed the other day and got insecure. I thought, "He's been taking off his ring!" No. Not so much. I was apparently holding it ransom. Anyhow I finally got around to taking it back in earlier this week. It was ready to pick up today. We were lazing around the house and I got a burst of motivation. I said, "Let's go pick up your ring and get some lunch before the game." The ring was at Gordon's in the mall. Chris swore we didn't have time and he didn't want to miss kick off. I looked at the clock. It was 12:10. I said, "I can have the kids and myself ready to leave this house by 12:40. If I can do that will you go?" He took my challenge. He REALLY did not think I could accomplish this. Little does he know that for me that is just like a typical school morning. I let him think he had won. So I ran some bathwater, gave both kids a bath, blowdried their hair, got them dressed, put their shoes on, helped Macy find her purse (she is obsessed and will not leave the house without it), washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed, put on my makeup, pulled my hair back, put on my shoes and marched into the living room. I pointed to the clock. It was 12:32. Not only did I win his challenge but I had 8 minutes to spare. Mothers can do alot with 22 minutes. I do not think he will challenge me again. :) Then we were off to the mall!

You know what?

You know what? I really like my family. I just had a whole conversation with Sami (well an iConversation). I've never really talked to her before. She is a super cool girl and I really like her. I'm so excited to get to know all my cousins thru these blogs. I love the internet. And I love family. And I love teenagers that don't think I'm too old to talk to. LOL. JK. I'll always be a dork and a kid at heart. Being grown up just means I have bills to pay. He He.

A dose of kindness

I recently decided to take a dose of my own advice. I took some time to tell someone that I care about just how much I love them. This last weekend was Grandparents Day. I just happened to be in WalMart and came accross a card that captured everything that my grandma is. I've been trying to get out to Dale more often lately to visit my Grandma Irene. It's actually hard to go. Not because it takes time or effort to get there, but because my grandma is 92 now and everytime I see her she looks worse. It hurts my heart to see her so weak and frail. She only resembles the woman I know in spirit. She has always been so strong and active. I hate to see her any other way. Regardless of whether or not it makes me sad I've been visiting more often. Since this weekend was grandparents day and I found a card to send her it seemed only appropriate that I take that as an opportunity to send her a heartfelt letter. It seems that every time someone passes away the thing I hear people say the most is, "I wish I had told him/her....." or "I wish I had let them know how much they meant to me." So I sat at my kitchen table and cried while I wrote grandma a letter. I told her everything I ever wanted her to know. I let her know that she is the perfect example of everything a woman, wife and mother should be. I told her how much I respect her and that she is my hero. I said I hope I make her proud and that I hope that I can be just like her. I let her know how much strength both physically and spiritually she has exampled for our family. She is really an amazing woman. So a few pages and a handful of kleenexes later I had a letter for grandma to include in her card. I think that grandma knows how much everyone loves her, but I don't think that she really gets to hear it that much. Even if she already knew I'm sure it was still nice to be told what a great lady she is. I feel relieved now too. For about the past 6 months everytime I see her, when I go to leave and give her a hug and kiss she sits me down, looks me in the eye and tells me that she loves me like it's the last time she will ever get to tell me. There is just something about the tone in her voice and the look in her eye that lets me know that she's making sure I know how much she loves me in case she doesn't get to tell me again. I know she's tired. She has said that she's tired and she's ready to go "home". On one hand it's great to know that grandma is ready and feels like she has lived the life she wanted to. On the other hand it is heartbreaking that may not be here much longer. She's probably the most amazing woman I've ever known. So I put my card in the mail and nervously waited to hear her response. She told mom that it was so nice to have someone tell her such nice things and that she'd been kinda blue and my note made her feel better. I'm just glad I took the chance to tell her how much I love her while I still can. Now, someday, hopefully a long long time from now when she goes to heaven I will know that she knew exactly how I felt about her. It's a great feeling. I can't think of a better way to honor my grandma then by letting her know just how much I love her. I'm always encouraging people to tell others how they feel about them and to let people know they are loved and spend time together, etc. I actually followed thru on my own advice and I couldn't feel any better about it. So today friends is a good day!

It's me again...

No one panic. I can cover it up with a watch band if I need to. I already tested it out. It looks black right now since it's still a little swollen and kinda red. But it's actually a very nice shade of purple. Chris got one too. He's wanted this one for a while. So it was nice to have an old friend in town that would do them for dirt cheap. Yes, I know that Dad is going to have a heart attack. More later.

Oh dear....

My how the emails pour in at a mention of a tattoo. You would think I was contemplating selling one of my children on Ebay or something. I love my family. It's good to know that I have people who love me and look out for my best interest. At 19 when I got my first tattoo I probably would have gotten all defensive and declared, "I've made up my mind! Stop trying to force your beliefs on me!" LOL. Not now. I'm much too grown to misunderstand genuine love for pushiness. Does that mean I have been convinced that I should make my decision according to what others think is appropriate? Not so much. But I am very proud of myself for recognizing that my father's urging and such simply comes from a place of love and concern. I suppose that is something I can credit to being a parent myself now. On a side note.....I have been doing some tattoo research on the internet. HA HA HA HA is my response to some of the things I've seen. From memorial tattoo's for a cat (really!?) to an "I'd rather be dead than cool" belly tattoo....I've seen too much.

In other news......last night I walked up behind Macy while she was playing pretend. She was potty training her Polly Pocket. It was adorable. She is such a little mother. She has a doll she named Gracie. It has taken the place of that icky pacifier which we have finally banished!!!! She is such a gentle loving little girl.

Caden seems to be doing well in preschool this year. I do not like his teacher too much. Not for any particular reason. She's just kinda cranky and not exactly my type of person. I don't suppose that makes her a bad teacher though so I am not going to worry about it. The director on the other hand is really frustrating me. She speaks down to me as though I'm a child (which I already get enough of thank you) and always finds a way to make me feel incompetent. I'm afraid that if she keeps being rude, seemingly on purpose, I will have to find another preschool. That is all to be determined later though. *Sigh* Caden is turning 4 and I do not like this. He might as well be married with his own family living 3 states away. Ugh.

Got Ink?

I deal with a lot of anxiety in my life. I always have. When I was younger my anxiety showed itself mostly by keeping me pretty serious all the time. I was too afraid to let loose and just be myself. As I got older it really started to manifest itself in other ways. At one point when I was about 22 it got to where I was having panic attacks and could barely even drive. I took some medication for awhile, but I don't want to be doped up. There is too much in life that requires all of my senses at their fullest. I quit taking that stuff when I got pregnant with Caden. Then I just never went back on it. Anyway, I get overwhelmed very easily. Being a wife and a mom is a hard job. The level of difficulty in my everyday life is greatly enhanced by the fact that my children are so close in age. They are only 19 months apart. Managing a 2 year old and a 3 year old that gang up on me is tough. It's almost like having twins sometimes. But anyway, I deal with a lot of anxiety. I get overwhelmed alot and unfortunately fairly easily. I don't really like who I feel like I am sometimes. I fly off the handle or I say things I shouldn't or don't mean. I find that a lot of times I'm just this really ugly person that just wants to blame everyone else for the way I feel. I react too quickly. I want to be able to slow down, take a deep breath and extinguish my anxiety or my temper. I really want to be an incredible mom and an incredible person. For me, that means that I have to stop being so reactive. There is an awful lot in my everyday life that I just can't control, and I drive myself crazy trying to do something about it. Alot of my stress is self induced by this super mom fantasy I have in my head. I could go on forever about that, but I will not. So long story short I am having the word "Breathe" tattoo'd on my right wrist. It's my dominant hand. I will see it when I reach for things or throw my hands up in dispair or when I dole out spankings. LOL. It's just my reminder to slow down. It's just my way of keeping the anxiety at bay. You know, just BREATHE.

Say what you will about tattoos. There isn't anything you can say my father hasn't already lectured me about. The truth is that you just have to let people be who they are. You can't expect people to live the way you would rather. I'm sure that Dad will give me the yelling of a lifetime. Or probably he will just say nothing and give me that "I'm so disappointed look" that I can't stand. But the truth is that he would be much more disappointed if he saw the way I yell and gripe and stomp around. It's not good for me or for the people I love. I'm trying to get to a new place in my life and I could use all the friendly little reminders that I can get. When I got my first tattoo (bet you didn't even know I had one) at 19 I sure got in trouble. When Chris got the kids names put on his neck Dad swore Chris wouldn't be able to get a job. Chris actually has a good job and tattoos are not viewed as the acts of rebellion they used to be. In fact, I think that if a tattoo has a very personal meaning for you they can be very beautiful and sometimes theraputic. When I say theraputic I mean for the soul. Tons of people get memorial tattoos to remember lost loved ones by. Some people get them to signify a big change in their life. Some get them to portray who they are literally on their sleeve. Will I end up tattoo'd from head to toe? Nah. That just isn't me. I have one tat hidden away that most people never see. One that I will get next week that all the world can see......and that's probably it. I did jokingly tell mom today though that if I ever end up with alzheimers I'm going to have some type of identification tattoo put on me. LOL. You just never know where you can end up when you wander off.

Let's Talk

Why is it that everytime I am in a hurry at the gas station I get stuck in line behind the lottery idiot? For the love of Pete! If you have questions about the lottery please refer to lottery.ok.gov not your local gas station attendant. For one thing the people stuck behind you in line are secretly plotting how to rip out your cheap hair extensions and fill your gas tank with water because you are wasting our time. And secondly, the dude behind the counter is most likely stoned and doesn't know or care about the answer to your question. Another thing........if you have to pay for your $1 lotto ticket in all pennies.....just put the coins back in the piggy bank and save for something else.

Why is it that crazy people think I want to hear about all of their problems? I have one particular person in mind here. None of the Sanders family know her so I'm relatively safe venting here. Please, please do not call me and tell me your sob story about how your life is so bad and blah blah blah is going wrong. Guess what? You are an idiot by choice not by circumstance. I have no pity for you and I'm certainly not interested in your lunatic ramblings. And furthermore.......the fact that your child survived into adulthood is a blessed miracle of God bc you certainly have no idea what you are doing. How can one bumble along from day to day without a clue in thier head? The conclusion I am left with is that you must have a very strong guardian angel because you certainly have not survived on your own.

I'm actually in a really good mood. I just wanted to tell the world that if you are going to buy a lotto ticket know what you want before you get there, and if you are crazy....please don't try to take me in as a confidant. I'm just not interested. This blog just made me think of the State Fair. Last year I decided that I would never never never go to the fair on a Saturday night ever again. LMAO. Please, just picture the crowd I was walking thru. The only reason we went that night was because work had given us free tickets to Disney on Ice. Normal people know that if you don't want to be swamped by the crazies of Oklahoma at the fair you must go at a random time like Tuesday afternoon. The fair is coming up in the next few weeks. If you are feeling down about yourself just go to the fair. I promise you will see at least 150 people that will make you realize that your life is glitz and glamour compared to theirs. If it comes down to it you can always just rely on the fact that you have more teeth than anyone else there. LOL. Oh boy....this is going to be a long evening for me!

Caden's Kickin First Day of School Hair

If this doesn't warm your heart then you just don't have one....

Yesterday I was trying to convince Caden that he needed to clean his room. I realize that my children are 2 and 3 years old but they are actually pretty good at picking up after themselves. I have been relentless about throwing away your trash when you're done and putting your dishes in the sink. Little Macy has to get on her tippy toes but she does put her dishes in the sink when she's finished eating, both of them do without being told. Even at Macy's bday party she would not throw her wrapping paper in the floor until I told her it was okay just this time. So anyway, Caden needed to clean his room. Macy cleaned hers the first time I told her to. Caden needed a little convincing. I sat him down and said, "Caden, Daddy works very hard so that we have money to buy you toys. Not all kids get to have a bunch of toys like you do. Some mommies and daddies don't have enough money left over to get to buy lots of toys. You are very lucky to have the things you do. So, you need to be thankful for what you have and take care of your toys by putting them away." I figured my speech would go in one ear and out the other. I always try to talk to my children just like anyone else. I don't baby talk them or dumb things down for them. I thought it might have been a little over his head though. I was so wrong. He looked up at me with his big brown eyes, his face all lit up and just like he had come up with the most amazing idea ever said, "Hey! Maybe we can get all of the toys we are finished playing with and take them to all the kids that don't have any toys!" He was so proud of his statement. I was so proud too. I'm not going to lie. My eyes teared up. I find that I am much more emotional as a mother as I ever was before. He immediately cleaned his entire room. We haven't gone thru his toys yet, but all that evening and all day today he has been asking when we can gather up our used toys to take to kids that need them. I am so proud of my son. He has a very genuine generousity inside him that inspires me. When he said that to me it made me feel like I must be doing something right.

Caden is at such a wonderful age. He's in that stage where the things he comes up with are hilarious. This is definately my favorite age so far. He asks why every other sentence but he seems to really grasp the answers I give him. I'm telling you, if you are ever feeling down or just in a slump or something come to my house and spend 10 minutes with Caden. I promise you that you will leave feeling happy and refreshed. And you will probably leave with a funny joke or two to tell your friends about my silly little Caden.

In summation....Caden inspired me this week to genuinly reach out to other people who are in need. He had absolutely no hesitation at all to part with his toys so that other children would have something to play with. I admire his unselfishness and hope it has rubbed off on me!

Hello again

Good things are in the works. I'm half way thru my process of being gainfully employed again. I love staying home with the kids, but each time I take a try at being a stay at home mom I realize that it's better for me to work. Chris and I get along better because we are not so worried about money and my time with the kids is better spent because I have to make the most of every moment. It truly is the hardest job in the world to be a full time mom/housewife. So to those of you that can do it and do it well my hat is off to you. The Lord has heard many pleas for patience from me lately. The job I applied for pays 17.50 an hour. I'm half way thru the process and it seems like everything is going to work out. It just takes a little while with background checks and all. So hopefully I will be bringing in some money of my own soon. Which 17.50 an hour is a nice little paycheck. So I'm looking forward to that.



We went camping last weekend. We had so much fun that we are going back again this next week. We will leave on Sun and get back Wed. It was a great time. That was my first time to sleep in a tent. It was interesting. We camped out on a friends land near Ft Cobb. We had to drive thru 2 miles of cornfield just to get to a clearing big enough to set up camp. Luckily a soybean field had been recently plowed so we had a nice big area to set up. We built a bonfire and roasted hot dogs and had smores and the whole bit. We camped at night and spent the entire daytime on the lake. I had to laugh at Chris. I had some 50 spf sunblock and some spf 4 tanning lotion. He got them mixed up. He put the sunblock all over where he wanted a tan and put the tanning lotion on his face and shoulders. LOL. Needless to say he wound up very sunburned and very funny looking. It really was pretty funny but I'm sure he won't make that mistake again. After all, we got on the water at 9:30 am and stayed until dark. We only left the lake briefly to eat. I have these socks that go up over my knees. When we were at camp I wore them with shorts and tennis shoes. Everyone made fun of me for wearing them but I was thinking ahead. I did not have one chigger bite or mosquito bite on my legs or feet. Everyone else got eaten up despite their bugspray. I think that when we go back I might see some long socks on a few more people. :) I might look like a dork but I'm smart. The coyotes were scary at night. I have decided that coyotes are not my friend! We took a box of firecrackers with us. Everytime the coyotes started getting loud or sounded like they might be close we set a couple of them off. It did a good job of scaring them off. I was nervous to sleep though. I thought who is going to scare them away while we are sleeping? Our friend Andi's uncle lives a mile or two from the land we were on and he did a great job of explaining how many creepy things were in the woods. Heard all about the wild boars and snakes and whatnot. Needless to say I did not sleep very much at all! It was a really great time though. I can't wait til Sunday when we are headed back that way again. It's a little longer trip this time. I'm just super pumped that Dad and Chris now have a nice boat that works all the time that we can take anywhere at any moment. This is a foreign concept to dad. He's so much in the business of having old junker boats that don't run that I'm not sure what he'll do with a boat that works. He hasn't even gone out on it yet. He's been gone all summer. Don't get me wrong. I certainly don't mind keeping the boat at my house and taking it out every weekend!

I'm very thankful that my kids have so many grandparents! Without them it would not be possible to take these little mini vacations. The kids stayed with my inlaws last weekend. This time mom wants the kids to stay with her. Dad doesn't really like the kids to stay at his house more than 2 or 3 hours. He has a low stress threshold. LOL. Since Dad is coming home on the 11th she wanted to have them stay with her a few days before he gets back. I keep teasing Dad that he's going to have to learn how to hang out with the children! He is the "not fun" grandpa and we can't have that! I've worked very very hard the last 10 years trying to teach dad how to have a little fun. Life has to be more than just studying stock and reading text books. LOL. I love him dearly and I'm impressed with his intellegence. We just have to work on getting him to loosen up every now and then.

Let's see......anything else? Hmm.....Harley is doing great. We got him checked over and fixed and the whole bit. He is growing! Took him to the vet for an initial check and he weighed 50 pounds. 8 days later when he got fixed he weighed 56. That was 2 weeks ago. He's got to be at least 63 or so lbs now. We finally figured out that he is boxer and mastiff mix. Jeez. Mastiffs get to be like 200 lbs. And this dog is just a puppy now! Vet said he was abut 8 months old. So I guess we have lots more growing to do. If he gets bigger than I am he's outta here. I have a strict policy on animals that outweigh me. It makes me nervous! I guess that's all for now. This camping trip I will take a bunch of pictures. I tried to last time but the camera battery died after 2 pics. So I will put some pics up on here next week. I'm sure there will be on myspace too. Take care everyone. Hope to see my family soon!

There is no rest for the weary...

at least in my house anyway. Chris took off work today so we could take the kids out on the new boat. Caden and Macy are so wound up that they are never going to sleep again. I'm dog tired. I went straight from the lake to shower and change and head to an interview......while they all napped. So everyone is recharged and going 100mph. I think that if I sit still for more than 30 seconds I'll be out cold. I tried getting in bed but apparently in my house lying down anywhere is just an invitation to be jumped on. REPEATEDLY. There is no chance of cozying up in my perfect bed any time soon. And you know what? Chris is the ring leader. I stand by my statement that I have 3 children, 2, 3 and 27. My secret plot was to ditch the abusive wrestling match and get on the computer. It really annoys them when I get in my computer zone and usually spoils their fun. So in turn I can lay down. LOL. Yes, it's an evil plot but sometimes I'm flat out desperate. It isn't even working this time!!!!! Boo hoo for Sara. ha ha. I know there could be worse things in the world than a tired mom with a happy family. Count your blessings.....

Before We Were Married...LOL

My handsome Caden

Pretty Macy

So much new stuff!

I have so much to catch up on with this blog. But before I get to any of that I have to say something about cousin Chara's last post. All day I have been so frustrated with my children. I'm not used to staying with them 24/7. It can be very overwhelming. It seems as though my temper has been getting shorter.I don't know what has gotten into my kids lately. They have been at each other's throats. And the biting!!! Will it ever stop?! My new solution for that is rinsing their mouth's out with soap when they bite. It worked on me when grandma caught me saying a bad word as a kid. I figure it's worth a try. Anyhow, back to my point. My frustration has been reaching new levels. Some days I think that I'm just in wayyyy over my head. Having a 2 and 3 year old at my side every minute is a huge challenge. Anyway, here I sit in my chair just saying my thankful prayers that my children went to bed early and gave me a break and I click over to Chara's blog. My frustration melted. I remember feeling that same way. Wondering what kind of mom I would be. Wondering about the lifestyle changes that would come with the baby. Wondering about giving birth. That is such a special time in life. A highly emotional right of passage that some women wonder about their whole lives. And now I just feel silly. I had forgotten what I have to be thankful for. My children might be fighting and biting each other, but I get to be here to wipe every tear and give out hugs and apply bandaids. And even though I'm challenged beyond my measure some days at least right now I get to be here and be the one that gets to teach them the lessons they need. That was the most frustrating thing about working full time. I was almost never the one that got to teach them that little lesson. Whatever the lesson may have been at the time. So I will have to remember this. I will make a mental note that when I feel like I'm drowing in toddler chaos think back to the very beginning. So, Chara thanks for inadvertently reminding me to take a step back!

On a completely different subject......Health and Fitness! For a couple months now Chris and I have really been making a monster effort to get healthy. Chris has been wanting to lose weight and I have been worrying about the condition of our hearts and etc with all the junk we were eating. The way the whole thing started out is kind of funny. I've been trying to be supportive of Chris's weight loss goals for awhile but it is very hard for me. I'm not trying to make myself sound bad here, but I've never had to worry about weight. It comes and goes for me, but it always stays in about the same range. I can pretty much eat whatever I want and I never have to see it on my hips. Well, one week Chris was particularly irritated with his fitness. We must have had an arguement every day for 3 days straight about (in his words) how it is my fault he is not losing weight. Well he pushed my buttons one too many times. I threw out everything in the house and went to the grocery store. Everything was diet diet diet healthy blah blah. At first I was just mad and thought "Oh yeah! Well we'll just see what he thinks when he is eating his own seperate meals of tofu and cottage cheese every day! Hmph! That's what he gets for blaming me!" I'm not really sure how it changed from my spitefullness into an all out family campaign, but somehow it did. It took a little while but we actually managed to change our entire eating lifestyle. It's been a big change. Now that we conquered our bad eating habits I decided we needed to change our bad LAZY habits. So I just came up with my "Get off your butt!" campaign. Not that eloquent but the point is clear. I try to plan an activity for us most evenings. Chris has softball on Sunday evenings with his friends. Mondays we take the new dog for a walk and go to the field by our house and hit softballs. Tuesdays the kids have a standing appointment with my inlaws to go to the library for story time etc. So they stay there for dinner and that gives Chris and I a chance to do something that we can't really do with the kids. Yesterday we went to the driving range and hit golfballs for an hour. It was my first time ever and boy was I terrible. Then we went to the park and played tennis for another hour. Here I am thinking that I'm still little miss "I'm 28, have 2 kids and still skinny and active." AND BOY WAS I WRONG! That tennis kicked my butt! I seriously have not moved that much since I cheered in college. LOL. I'm not as sore today as I thought I would be, but still!!!!! My ego got knocked down a notch or two! Plus I'm just not athletic. I never have been. Somehow I managed to be a coordinated cheerleader/gymnast but those days are long long gone! Wednesday, well this one we took off. We sat around and recouped. I did however take the children and the dog on a mile walk this afternoon. And mom came along too! Thursdays Chris has softball again so I'll just do something active around the house. I'm thinking that Fridays should be swimming. I don't know we'll see. But we are on the road to living a much healthier life. The get off your butt campaign is all about doing something outside and active instead of sitting around developing diabetes and getting clogged arteries. So far so good! I just have to find a way to keep us motivated. Wish me luck!

Introducing Harley

Say hello to Harley our newest family member. He was wandering around our street for a few days and we took him in. We put up flyers and checked with all the vets in the area. We tried to find his owner but had no luck. We said we would look for his owner and if we didn't find him then we would find him a good home. However it's been 2 weeks now. I think the good home we found is ours! We are not allowed to have pets in our house so this causes a bit of a dilema. The kids have fallen in love with him and we have too. I just can't stand to think of sending him away!