It happens

We don't always get to choose the events in our life that ultimately define who we are. Some things in life are just larger than we are, and those events will leave their footprints on our life whether we are willing participants or not. Some of the bigger impacts that have been made in my life have come in the form of a whisper. Others have taken over my life in unprecedented fashion. I don't know why or how all of these things in life weave themselves into the fabric of "me", but somehow they do. I try to find solace in that when life brings me great pain perhaps I will rise from the situation with a greater knowledge or perspective than I ever would have before. Tragedy is simply an unavoidable part of life. If I can find some reason to believe that tragedy is molding me into a better person than perhaps I can survive it.

Refresh

Seems like a good time to refresh. Change the page. Change the title. Look forward to the new. What's better than old times? New times. As adolescents and young adults, people spend a lot of time looking forward to the future. Envisioning life. Making rite of passage checklists. All those years of staying up late, looking at stars, dreaming of what life would be. It's a very romantic time in life. The very unfortunate thing that I have noticed is how many people let the romance with life die when the to do list is all checked off. Now you've got the spouse, and the kids, and the house, and the job, and the cars, and all the passages so romanticized by teen angst. Now what? Become consumed with all the responsibilites of day to day life? Spend the rest of days cleaning the gutters, doing the yard work and washing endless loads of laundry? Surely we don't spend all those years dreaming just to end up mindlessly completing all the obligatory chores in life and seeking nothing more. Everyone knows someone that tells too many stories of old times. "Oh, those were the days!" Really? Youth was great. They were good days. But were they "THE" days? What's wrong with today? I have to wonder, at what point in life do we switch over from looking forward to the rest of our lives to looking back at what was? I turned 30. It made me a little sad. I felt some nostalgia over old times. But I also realized how much I still have ahead of me and what I have right now. Once I checked all the things off my list I became afraid to grow older. When I was a kid, I would look at my parents, who sat in the same living room night after night, weekend after weekend and think......being a grown up sucks. I honestly thought that at some point, that is just what you do. You stay home, raise your kids, lose touch with old friends, and have nothing much to do other than maintain. I'm relieved to find out I was wrong. I've watched several of my friends fall into the "I'm married and have children so I have to stay home and be boring and do nothing for myself ever" pit. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sorry for them. I can only hope that the same passion that fueled my youth, will carry me throughout my entire life. Fight the fizzle! I love my life. I can't imagine not being a "doer". I like to go and do. Pretty much anything works. I refuse to stifle myself just for the simple fact that I have a family to raise. I want my kids to grow up knowing that getting older is nothing to be afraid of. I don't feel like I have to give up the things in life that are out there to be enjoyed just because I have a lot of responsibilities. I enjoy living life and while life can be more than exhausting at times it can not make us lazy! How many times have I heard old friends use their spouses or children as scapegoats for damn near everything? More than I can count. I'm tired of hearing how having a family is your disability! I'm looking forward to the future. I'm enjoying today. I hope that I can grow older knowing that while the past was good, today and tomorrow are even better. Bring on the 30's. I'm ready for them now.

MYers calendar of events

Here are some upcoming events that you should be aware of.

Thursday April 16th 6:30-7:30 Caden and Macy have an ART SHOW! They have been working hard on their art projects. The show is at their preschool. 8200 S. Pennsylvania Southern Hills United Methodist Church.

Saturday April 18th- The American Heart Association "Heart Walk" begins at 8:00 am. Chris and I will be downtown gasping thru a 3 mile walk. We would love for anyone who can to join us. Not only can you burn some calories and enjoy a beautiful stroll through downtown OKC but you can support heart health awareness. We are still fundraising and have not yet met our goal. If you don't want to take the 3 or 1 mile walk we welcome your donations!

Thursday April 23-Sunday April 26- Chris and I will be out of town fishing at our biggest tournament of the year. On average there are 60+ teams. Two years ago we finished 12th. Last year we finished 8th. 1st place gets $1,000. The prizes are very generous and hopefully we will continue our climb in the rankings. So keep your fingers crossed for us. Really I'll be happy if I can just catch a bigger fish than Chris.

Wednesday May 20th- The darkest of all days...I officially turn 30 years old. In lew of the great depression I will be entering on this day I will be requiring my family to have dinner with me. :) Sami got to have an 18th bday family dinner....so I want a 30th bday dinner. I don't care where or what day. I would just like to spend some time with my family. After all I'm getting old. I might forget who you are if I don't see you soon.

Further down the road is Macy's birthday. There will also be a host of tball games over the spring. When I get an official tball schedule I will be sure to post it. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that you all can make at least one game this season. You won't regret it. It's truly a priceless way to spend your evening!

ALSO....we have been tossing around the idea of inviting the whole family to our farm. Yes, I know....it's a 2 hour drive. But, we were thinking that we are really proud of the farm and would love to share it with the whole family. Maybe sometime near the 4th of July we can have everyone out for a giant cook out and set off firecrackers. There are 2 fishing ponds and I lay down the dare to outfish me. If you can catch more fish than I can I will buy you dinner. LOL. Sounds like a win/win situation. You can catch fish and have a lovely dinner date. If we were to try to have a whole day cookout/firework party way out in the country.....would you consider coming? What good is it to have 220 acres and not share it with friends?

So, there is my upcoming calendar of events. I hope that I will be seeing you all soon!

This is my real life

Conversations that took place in my life today:

Caden:"Macy come here. Let me give you a kiss."
Macy:"No Caden! Leave me alone!"
Caden:"Come on Macy. I'm your brother give me just one kiss and a hug."
Macy:"No Caden!! I told you to leave me alone! You're just trying to wipe a booger on me!"
Mommy:(just actually registering the backseat conversation)Caden is that true?
Caden:(laughter)"Yeah, I'm trying to wipe my booger on her. I don't eat mine like she does."


Macy: "When I marry Luke I'm going to have a baby brother and a baby sister."
Mommy: "No Macy. When you have babies they will be your sons and daughters. If I have babies they will be your brother or sister."
Caden: "Will Harley (our male boxer) have babies?"
Mommy: "No Harley will not have babies. Only girls can HAVE babies. Boys can be Dads but they can't actually have the baby."
Caden: "Are you sure? Because Daddy's belly is pretty big. It looks like he is going to have a baby."

Today has been an interesting day. My children keep me on my toes. Today I also refrained from being a "psycho mom" which I freqently refer to. As my temper flared I reminded myself how much I run my mouth about learning my lesson about being an overzealous parent. One of my favorite words is "inappropriate". A fellow Tball mom acted quite inappropriately and I felt a deep temptation to shove her down the bleachers and give her my full blown opinion. I held my tongue though. It was quite difficult. If the truth be known, I actually did not blow up at her because I didn't want to embarass my child. Not because it was the mature thing to do. Maturity is over rated. LOL. Nevertheless I did a noble thing by engaging my vocal emergency brake. As a woman, when your children are involved it creates such a high sensitivity level and intense protective nature. Nature vs. Nurture. Today the nurture side won, but it's awfully hard to fight off that instinctive nature to be alpha mom. Ugh. Alpha mom. What a ugly thing. I prefer to rule the pride with my essence. LMAO.

Pictures from Spring Break

Over Spring Break we spent several days at the farm. One day we spent the day fishing the farm pond. The next day we went to Konowa lake. The next day we went to Wetumka lake. By then I was ready to go home. My sunburn was ridiculous and I was tired of being trapped on a boat with 2 kids and a dog. Here are the pictures I took. We had a really good time and the kids are great fishermen. It turns out that Harley is an excellent boater. He acted like he had been on a boat a million times. He is such a great dog. In fact he behaved better than the children. LOL.

Tonight is Caden's first Tball game of the season. I can't wait to post pictures. Their uniforms this year are awesome.

Oh, and I saw Daniel on his way out of town today. I'm really proud of him. He's a strong man. I talked to Jason last night for over an hour. I really enjoyed my conversation with him. Every member of this family is so incredibly priceless to me. I love you all! I hope you enjoy these pictures. That is all for now.

Love me without limit

I was having a converstaion with a friend the other day and she said, "We only give each other the good parts of us....." Now that I think about it, she's right. It's natural human nature to promote the best parts of us to other people and do our best to hide the bad parts. There is good and bad in all of us. I don't know why we all try so hard to pretend like we are only the good parts. Bad things happen when we keep secrets. I guess I've always felt like if people know the bad stuff about me they might stop loving me. Which brings me to my ultimate question. How do you be unconditional? One of the lessons I remember most from church is to love unconditionally and leave the judgement to God. I'm going to be very honest for a few minutes. I left the church when I was 21. And I left it because of numerous expereinces that still sting to this day. Was it the right way to deal with the pain those church people caused me? No, probably not. But it's the action that I took at that time and it's something I'm trying to sort through. If you want to know the story I will be happy to tell you. Anyhow, I've learned over and over how to be conditional. I had a best friend (or so I thought) growing up that only loved me and stood by me when I was doing what she felt was appropriate. Any mistakes out of me and her back was turned. I experienced this time and time again with my church family too. As long as you are on the straight and narrow we accept you or "Oh you made a mistake? You are out on your own and I can't be seen talking to you or people will think I'm a sinner too." As you can tell I still harbor some bitterness. God and I are working through that together. I'm almost 30 now and it still hurts as bad as the day it happened. Well anyway, my question is how to be unconditional. I think this is a question that our entire family is facing right now and I would like to know how this is supposed to be done.

Webster's Dictionary defines "Unconditional" as absolute or without limit. It is not often in life that we come across people who truly love us unconditionally. No matter how loved or supported we feel there is always a nagging question in the back of the mind that says "If I share all my bad parts with them too are they going to leave me?" Most of us would rather be loved conditionally than not loved at all. I think that's true whether people admit it or not. That's why we drag out all these relationships that are bad for us. We know beter but we do anyway because we want to be loved. In all those sermons I sat thru telling me that christians love one another unconditionally, etc....I don't think that one time it was ever explained to me how to carry that out. How do I love you uncondtionally but still demand to be repected? How do I love you without limit but do not allow you to use me? How do you disagree with someone actions but not let it effect your love for them? I know that our family is going thru a very difficult time right now. I try to seek out the meaning in things. Perhaps this is my opportunity to learn how to truly practice this unconditional love I've been instructed to carry out my entire life. With all of us finding ourselves on the side of the situation that we do perhaps we can help each other love our family member without limit while disagreeing with certain actions at the same time.

I tend to share the best parts of me too. Just so you know I have a horrible temper. I yell too much. I am impatient. I gossip. Sometimes I judge people and I know I shouldn't. Sometimes I say more than I am entitled to and I don't feel guily about it. There. Now you know a few of my bad parts too. If I listed them all the internet would run out of space. It is my hopes to share all of who I am with the people in my life. Whether it is the pleasant stuff or the nitty gritty. I am who I am. Maybe if I give you all of me you will either love me wholly or not all all. Anything in between just isn't worth it.

It'll all eventually be okay.....

I say all the time how much I love my family. Well, I particularly love my family right now. ALL of them. Some families fall apart when things go wrong but I'm proud to be part of a family that draws strength from one another. There is nothing better on a bad day than being surrounded by people you love. Today I am thankful for my family. I am blessed to share my life with so many great people. It's easy to be related. It takes effort to be invested. I'm glad we are invested. :)

My new bling!

My wonderful, amazing, caring, giving husband gave me the best valentines day present ever. He gave me diamonds! I almost fell out of my chair. I am so excited and so proud of my new ring. I took it in today to get it sized and sautered together. They said it would take 2 weeks! TWO WEEKS! Don't they know that is forever in woman time? Seriously, they should speed that up. I really wanted to have it back before grandma's birthday dinner so I could show it off to all my family! Oh, well. I guess you will all see it sooner or later. It is exactly the ring I always wanted too. Well, except he added a little more to it. The main ring is 1 1/2 carats and there are two 1/3 carat diamond bands that go around it. One on top and the other on bottom. I took a picture off the jewelry website. It's almost exactly my ring. It's just missing the diamond band on top. I've never been so excited in my life! It is super sparkley. I love it!!!!

Well that was scary

Yesterday (Wednesday) Chris woke up about 5 am with bad stomach pains. He laid around awhile and went to work. He left work after an hour. He called me at 10:30 am and asked me to take him to the hospital. My husband does not ASK to go the hospital. The few times he's been I've forced him into it. When he tore all the ligaments in his hand it was 5 days before I convinced him to see a doctor. So I knew it had to be serious if he was asking to go. My boss wouldn't let me leave work. We were so busy. We were an hour behind schedule. My boss was already cranky about having to close one day last week for the ice storm adn then me missing an additional day for the weather. So I put Chris off. I thought maybe if he waited a little bit that he might feel better. He asked me several more times to come get him. We finally got our patients caught up enough to leave for lunch. I told him that it took me 20 minutes to get home and 20 to get back so I was going to run home and check on Chris. I finally convinced him that it was a serious issue and I needed to take care of my family. So I got home about 1:30. Chris looked horrible. So I took him to the ER. It took awhile to get back in a room and start running tests. After blood and urine tests and then drinking radio active dye stuff over an hour and half intervals he went back to cat scan. He had a bad appendix (sp?). So about 10 minutes after the cat scan they took him off to surgery. The surgery took less than an hour and they got it out before it ruptured. We spent the night there and they released him today shortly after lunch. I didn't realize how scared I was until it was all over! I figured he had a kidney stone or something. I have had 3 of those and his pain seemed pretty similar. But when they wheeled him off to surgery I got nervous. Luckily my father in law came up to keep me some company and watch Lost in the waiting room with me. Before he got there I was pacing around and calling/texting everyone I knew just to keep busy. Between Chris's knee surgery and thumb surgery and Caden's surgery and my 3 kidney stones and 2 c-sections we have had the "opportunity" to tour many hospitals. LOL. This was by far the nicest hospital I've ever been to! It felt like we were at a spa or resort more than a hospital. We were at Moore Medical Center. The building isn't very old. The staff was all super nice and very thorough. The care was quick and efficient. The surgeon was really nice and very informative. When they got him into a room they explained that there is a full menu and for a meal you should dial 3000 and tell them what you would like to eat. Basically room service. The menu was incredible. Usually at the hospital 15% of what you get on your tray is worth eating. They offered steak, hot wings, chicken fried steak, quesadillas, burritos, rueben sandwiches....all kinds of stuff. Chris was on a restricted diet though. I sampled some of his lunch and it was awesome. He had grilled chicked and green beans and a baked potato. The menu and the food reminded me of eating at coaches. LOL. It was probably the best grilled chicked I've ever tasted. Other than the pesky surgery part it was actually a really nice experience. I can't say much about my roll out bed that I slept on though. Anyhow, I'm pretty sure I will return to that hospital for any future medical emergencies. I was really impressed. When he was released they asked him if he'd like a wheelchair or if he wanted to walk. He opted to walk. So they gave us our paperwork and that was it. We didn't have to be escorted downstairs and out of the building or anything. I have to give them an A+. I'm sure that their bill will reflect the phenomenal treatment we got but what can you do? I'm horrified to see the bills start rolling in.

Anyway, the crisis was averted and the whole thing went smoothly. They removed his appendix laproscopically so the recovery should be fairly simple. He has 2 small insicions on his belly and one on the belly button. We go in for a follow up visit with the surgeon next week. He should be able to return to work middle of next week.

So I'm glad that grandma's birthday dinner is being postponed for a little bit. I wouldn't want to miss it. I talked to grandma on her birthday and the kids sang her the bday song. She told me that everyone in the whole family had called her except for Thom. She said that even Dalton called her that morning. I think she was most excited about hearing from him. She was surprised and very happy about it. She said that Dalton was going to come visit after his sea trip and that we were going to throw him a party. I think I'm most surprised that he told her he'd like to have a party! Dalton used to come stay with my parents and I for a week or 2 in the summers. Poor guy had to put up with me. I followed him around and Dad tried to over educate him on math and computers. He must have been miserable. I don't remember how many years are between us but he was in high school when I was in elementary. I think. Anyhow, he never seemed like he would be that into a big family party but I'm glad that he has accepted. I'm excited to see him! See, good things happen to families that stick together. :)

That's most of the update from our house. Since the first of the year I've had a horrible sinus/cold. Macy had a virus. Caden had some rare form of strep that doesn't show up on regular strep tests and causes vomitting. Then there was an ice storm that almost destroyed me. I slid into a median and nearly hit a pole. Then Chris had his emergency. I sure hope that things calm down soon!

My new favorite recipe

I have a new favorite recipe. The ingredients sound random but it is SOOOOOO good. It only takes about 15 minutes to make. I just thought I would share in case anyone feels adventurous!

Corn Casserole

2 tbsp butter
1 8 oz package of cream cheese
Melt these in a lg skillet

2 16 oz shoe peg corn; drained
1 sm can green chilies
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup milk

Mix all above on stove and heat for 5-10 minutes
Put in casserole dish and cover with cheese
Bake at 350 until cheese melts
Then, stuff your face and enjoy your creation. :)

Give someone a hug

I found out today that one of my friends husband passed away unexpectedly this morning. Out of nowhere he had a massive heart attack and died. He was my age. It just reminds me how unexpected life can be and that it's a gift to not take for granted. It just makes me want to give everyone a hug. So, if you are reading this....I am mentally hugging you right now. Thank you for being my friend or family member. I am truly blessed. I love you all!

Frankly....

Here is how Christmas is going down this year.......uneventfully. LOL. I seem to have been really busy in the last few weeks although I can not recall anything I've actually done. Mostly hanging christmas lights and putting up christmas decorations. I would still do it all the same even if I lived here alone and no one was coming over. I just like Christmas decorations. Besides, I'm bad at decorating and Christmas makes it very easy.

This coming weekend appears to be the busiest weekend of my life. In one weekend I have the pleasure of juggling a school program, sami's bday, a visit with my out of town (momentarily in town) girlfriend, a company christmas party, and Sanders Christmas. I truly began my Christmas shopping today. I left work at 5, went to the bank, picked up Chris and got to my first store by 6:30. By 10:30 I managed to spend my entire paycheck. I did manage to accomplish alot. I was able to get every present for all my Sanders family except one, and most of my children's gifts. I have a little more time to get Chris's family all shopped for. So I thought I'd get the immediate need done first.

Needless to say...I am not freaking out and scrubbing my baseboards and washing the walls and magic erasering every bit of grout and all the garbage that no one really cares about but me. I'm just banking on the fact we haven't lived here long enough to accumulate enough dirt for it to really matter. As long as I get the children's room (seriously, to prevent injury) clean then you are all obligated to not notice the unmopped floor or dusty fireplace or whatever. I just don't feel that motivated and shopping seems more interesting to me. I am in charge of the "secret" gift this year. I'm having trouble finding just the right thing. I thought I had it then I realized although a nice gift it would be guessed by at least the 3rd person. I'm going to keep thinking on this one. Last year Shirley bought the can opener from the tv commercials. I don't know how I guessed it but I'm glad I did. I love that thing! I have to be careful though because caden likes to go in the kitchen and open cans just because he can operate it himself. LOL.

OK, enough for now....but please come to christmas in your sweat pants, eat too much, open presents, and ignore the purple spot on my dining room wall that I will someday get around to. Just not today!

Christmas lists

I have to share with you my families Christmas lists. I laughed insanely at Chris and Macy. I have to mention that Chris's list was handwritten and he managed to fill 2 pages. He has very small handwriting too! The kids listed off to me what they wanted to put in their letters to Santa. Feel free to laugh at my family. I did. :)

Chris- This list is categorized by item and there is an approx price next to each item. I will give you the general idea because my fingers will fall off if I type the whole thing. They are also rated on a scale of 1-10,000 on his satisfaction with the gift. LOL.
Cash- Cash; Gift Cards- Jegs.com, Tacklewarehouse.com, Bass Pro, Academy, anywhere w/electronics; Sports- Fishing: Quantum PT or PT Tour Edition reels, split grib trigger casting rods (med heavy or heavy); Golf- balls, lob wedge, 56'-62', gift cards to public courses; Softball- Demarini OTC 28 oz slow pitch bat; Hunting- seriously too much stuff to type; Video Games- Call of Duty 5, Resistance 2, Madden--can be PS3 or Xbox 360; Personal- cologne, chi holder (yes my husband asked for a special holder for his flat iron); Collectables- autographed balls (baseball or football), Eagles, Yankees, OU or other legends acceptable; Motorcyles- Helmets: KBC Zombie, Oneal Crisis, AFX skull, Shift Agent Hi Life; Jerseys- I can't even decode this part of the list; Goggles; Movies- Blue Ray anything, Star wars trilogy, xfiles movie, action/scifi/army, superhero/horror, zombie........and that's only the first page

Sara- a bullhorn

Macy- a horse that wags its tail, a princess that sparkle glows, a flower that is pretty, a princess that smells the pretty flower, a picture w/a princess on it for my vanity, a princess w/pretty pink socks, a pink or red cabinet to match my princess's socks, a statue coat that sprinkles around like a princess. LOLOLOLOL!

Caden- Jungle fury power ranger, Indianana Jones toys, Power Rangers (not the toy, the real ranger), Ben 10 toys, superman, batman, spiderman, transformers, spongebob toys, Lego Batman video game for 360 or PS3, Spike the dinosaur, the huge green triceratops w/a leaf, star wars toys, xmen toys, Bakugan toys, cars, motorcyles and men that ride them.

There you have it. I sure hope Santa pulls thru for me because I don't know what half the stuff on Chris or Macy's list is. If you happen to have any of their names there should be some ideas. Happy hunting. LOL.

:)

I really appreciate my husband. He has really stepped up and taken care of his family in their time of need. I've had a difficult time dealing with my MIL's death. I feel a lot of regret for the relationship I didn't have with her. When I was younger I was irritated by a lot of things with her. I was too foolish and impatient to look past them. Then when we found out she was sick it explained a lot of her weird quirks. By the time I understood her well enough to really value her she was too sick to for me to do the things with her I'd always wanted to. I never got to take her shopping or go out for coffee or get to know her on a personal level. I feel very ashamed that I didn't appreciate her and take the time to build a relationship with her when I had the chance to. She had always wanted to have a daughter and I would have loved to been a "daughter" to her. There are a few times that I did get to spend one on one time with her and I will always cherish that. But it wasn't near enough. I have learned quite a lesson. I don't think that I will ever feel less ashamed for taking her for granted. Everyone I've ever known always thinks their in-laws are weird in some way or another, but I feel like I didn't really give her a chance. That wasn't fair. She was a very kind lady. Even when her alzheimers was very advanced she was never mean or hateful. She always had a gentleness about her. It's been hard to watch my husband lose his mother and my children lose their grandmother. I hope that as my kids get older I can help them remember what a lovely lady she was. It's always hard to lose someone when we know we didn't appreciate them enough or take the time to let them in. I should have been more patient with her. I said alot of things when she got sick about how she should be taken care of and how they should deal with her disease. In the end, her family did the right thing and gave her the care and love she deserved. I regret thinking that I knew what was best for her when I clearly did not.

I can't say enough how much I appreciate my husband. He has never tried to keep me from being close with my family or with his. I've had friends whose spouses get in the way with their relationship with their parents/siblings or inlaws. Chris has never told me how to interpret my experiences growing up with my parents and he has never done anything but encourage me to have a relationship with his parents and grandparents. A husband has such a huge influence over his wife. I'm glad that he has never taken advantage of that influence. It's easy for a husband to manipulate his wife's emotions towards other people. I've met plenty of women that don't like someone just because their husband doesn't like them. I think it's also easy to cause tension between someone and their parents because their spouse won't give them a chance. I'm glad that Chris has embraced my parents. I think it would be hard to maintain such a close relationship with my mom and dad if my husband wasn't willing to let them be a part of his life too. I'm very blessed. I can't explain how lucky and undeserving I feel to have such an amazing family, both the family I was born into and the family I married into. I married a really wonderful man who encourages me to appreciate my family and spend time with them. (Even when he gets a little jealous of my time with them sometimes.) :)

I have a lovely family

Last night Sami and Tim came over and helped us put up our Christmas lights. It was so much fun to spend some time with Sami and her boyfriend. The kids just adore them. They are always kind to the kids and spend time playing with them. Caden and Macy haven't stopped talking about it! I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with Sami, just one on one, away from the rest of the family. She is a really beautiful girl and it seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. My goal has been to try to start spending more time with my cousins outside of family events and get to know them as people. I have had the pleasure of spending time with Brandee and now Sami. I'm exactly 12 years younger than Brandee and 12 older than Sami. It doesn't seem to matter though. I am really glad that the Sanders have started spending more time together other than just limiting our gatherings to holidays. I really enjoy seeing everyone for our dinners every now and then and getting together for birthdays. I love that all the aunts uncles and cousins come to the kids bday parties. It wouldn't be the same without all of you. I did not have the luxury of having any brothers or sisters. I always wanted them though. I understand why I don't have siblings and I'm okay with that. But I really can't imagine having a brother or sister and not keeping a close relationship with them. It's a horrible gift to waste. But it's been so nice to fill that void with spending time with some cousins. I'm so proud that our family has gotten so close. I'm sad for the cousins that aren't around anymore. If you are a MIA cousin my message to you is that you are really missing out. :)

On the topic of my christmas tree

I have always been a weirdo about symmetry. Pictures on the wall, furniture, decorations, knick knacks........all sorts of things have to be evenly spaced or it drives me crazy. It just irritates me until it's fixed. It's a stupid thing to be so concerned about, but, it's one of my many quirks and I just have to deal with it. My christmas tree especially falls under my symmetry weirdness. My tree is decorated with silver, gold, and deep red. I spend hours getting the garland spaced right and all the glass ball decorations strategically placed by color and space. This year was a little different. I was really concerned about my tree. While we were shopping for just the right house to buy a few months ago I specifically looked around to see if the house had just the right place to put my tree. LOL. Chris was concerned about house value and upgrades that could be made and the technical aspect of things. My concerns were having a great laundry room, evenly sized bedrooms for the kids, and a great place for my tree. Last year we didn't get to put our Christmas tree up due to space restrictions. So anyway, putting my tree up this year was really important to me. Last week was a weird week. Since the week was filled with Chris's mom passing away, squeezing in Thanksgiving and making funeral arrangements and things we really wanted to include our family. So Saturday Chris invited his grandparents and dad and brother over to help trim the tree. The kids really wanted to put the ornaments on. So I backed off (as much as I could) and let them hang the ornaments. My tree looks so silly! The kids are only 3 feet tall so most of the decorations are on the bottom 3 feet of the 7 foot tree. Ornaments are all clumped together and nowhere near evenly spaced. It is driving me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY! There are big clumps of several sliver ornaments in one spot and clumps of red and gold elsewhere. I tried to move around an ornament or two and they got on to me. I thought that maybe over a few days I could spread out some decorations but they have noticed every change and been extremely displeased with my behavior. So now I have an uneven tree. Chris told me to stop being psycho and that it's more important to have fun trimming the tree than to have a beautiful department store looking tree. I immensely disagree! ha ha. The one year I'm having my whole family over for Christmas my tree is all crazy looking. I'm doing my best to restrain myself. Why do I have to be such a weirdo? Oh well, it wouldn't be me if I wasn't a complete dork. LOL. So family, FYI my tree looks awfully crazy this year!

I love my family

I remember as a kid constantly wondering what my life would be like in the years to come. I imagined my husband, my children, my home, my job......I spent a lot of time daydreaming. One of the beautiful things about daydreaming is the day you wake up and realize that you are sitting exactly in the place in life you always daydreamed about. We were driving to the farm today and I had a brief moment of true clarity. It looked cold and miserable out the car window. It started to rain a little bit. Then I hear my children in the back seat singing christmas songs along with the radio and then Chris chimes in. The whole world stopped for just a minute and I realized that "THIS is my husband and THESE are my children." For a second I was a kid again and I felt like I was getting a glimpse of what my life would be like. Then I realized that this actually is my life and I don't have to daydream about it. I have the family I always wanted and I couldn't be more proud of all 3 of them. I am truly blessed to share my life with 3 amazing people. I couldn't have daydreamed up a better family. I am so thankful to have been giving such a blessing. :)

Friday

I regret that I will not be able to come to the Thanksgiving at Brandee's house. I was really looking forward to it and so were the kids. It appears that the services for my MIL will be sometime on Friday. The family is setting up official arrangments Tuesday morning, but we anticipate a Friday service. We have several out of state relatives that are best accomodated with that day. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Let me know whose names we draw! Love you guys.
Sara

Please keep us in your prayers

My mother in law passed away tonight at 10:42. It was her birthday. Please keep my family in your prayers.

Un happy Birthday

Today was a less than great day. November 23rd. My brother in law and mother in law's birthday. Regan turned 25 and Carol 61. Birthdays are supposed to be happy not ominous. I'm really getting weary of burying family and friends. My larger than life grandpa passed away in 1989. I was lucky enough to have 18 good years of steady calm in my family. Then 2007 rolled around and it's been one memorial after the other. It has definately been a trying time in life. Luckily I can look back on what life experience I have and recognize that it was in times of trial that I learned the most about my life. So maybe I can spin this whole thing and just try to hear whatever it is that God is trying to tell me right now.

We spent the whole day at my inlaws house. We had the pleasure of visiting with a very nice hospice nurse. It is the first time we have been there when a nurse came. It's been hard at times to get the information we've wanted from Chris's grandma or dad. It's not easy stuff to talk about. So the nice nurse sat us all down and explained how the next chunk of time would go. She said the things out loud that we all knew, but didn't want to say. She told us that basically my MIL has approx 2 weeks of life left in her. It could go quicker, but definately no longer than 3 weeks. At the rate of progression we've seen in the last 2 months I would be more likely to say sooner than later. She isn't exactly conscious, hasn't eaten in a week or drank any fluids in several days. Her body is shutting down and we all just have to watch.

Spending the last few days of my grandma's life with her was a shocking experience for me. I had never seen anyone go thru a dying process. Now, within the same year I'm watching someone else I love cross over to the next life. I don't like feeling familiar with the experience. My inlaws are very kind people. It's not easy to watch them go thru this. It's much harder for me than I had anticipated. Knowing that Carol would go thru everything she has with alzheimers I thought I would be better prepared. Clearly there is no way to prepare. I'm saddened for children. They have had to deal with a lot of reality so early in their lives. I grieve that they will lose a grandparent after such a short time together. I look forward to reminding them of nice memories with her though. I struggle to know how to help my spouse deal with the loss of a parent. I resent that I will miss out on a growing relationship with Carol. And I dread the week or two ahead and all the stress and pain it will bring. Please keep our family in your prayers. I'm sure to update you all on any changes.