I love my family

I remember as a kid constantly wondering what my life would be like in the years to come. I imagined my husband, my children, my home, my job......I spent a lot of time daydreaming. One of the beautiful things about daydreaming is the day you wake up and realize that you are sitting exactly in the place in life you always daydreamed about. We were driving to the farm today and I had a brief moment of true clarity. It looked cold and miserable out the car window. It started to rain a little bit. Then I hear my children in the back seat singing christmas songs along with the radio and then Chris chimes in. The whole world stopped for just a minute and I realized that "THIS is my husband and THESE are my children." For a second I was a kid again and I felt like I was getting a glimpse of what my life would be like. Then I realized that this actually is my life and I don't have to daydream about it. I have the family I always wanted and I couldn't be more proud of all 3 of them. I am truly blessed to share my life with 3 amazing people. I couldn't have daydreamed up a better family. I am so thankful to have been giving such a blessing. :)

Friday

I regret that I will not be able to come to the Thanksgiving at Brandee's house. I was really looking forward to it and so were the kids. It appears that the services for my MIL will be sometime on Friday. The family is setting up official arrangments Tuesday morning, but we anticipate a Friday service. We have several out of state relatives that are best accomodated with that day. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Let me know whose names we draw! Love you guys.
Sara

Please keep us in your prayers

My mother in law passed away tonight at 10:42. It was her birthday. Please keep my family in your prayers.

Un happy Birthday

Today was a less than great day. November 23rd. My brother in law and mother in law's birthday. Regan turned 25 and Carol 61. Birthdays are supposed to be happy not ominous. I'm really getting weary of burying family and friends. My larger than life grandpa passed away in 1989. I was lucky enough to have 18 good years of steady calm in my family. Then 2007 rolled around and it's been one memorial after the other. It has definately been a trying time in life. Luckily I can look back on what life experience I have and recognize that it was in times of trial that I learned the most about my life. So maybe I can spin this whole thing and just try to hear whatever it is that God is trying to tell me right now.

We spent the whole day at my inlaws house. We had the pleasure of visiting with a very nice hospice nurse. It is the first time we have been there when a nurse came. It's been hard at times to get the information we've wanted from Chris's grandma or dad. It's not easy stuff to talk about. So the nice nurse sat us all down and explained how the next chunk of time would go. She said the things out loud that we all knew, but didn't want to say. She told us that basically my MIL has approx 2 weeks of life left in her. It could go quicker, but definately no longer than 3 weeks. At the rate of progression we've seen in the last 2 months I would be more likely to say sooner than later. She isn't exactly conscious, hasn't eaten in a week or drank any fluids in several days. Her body is shutting down and we all just have to watch.

Spending the last few days of my grandma's life with her was a shocking experience for me. I had never seen anyone go thru a dying process. Now, within the same year I'm watching someone else I love cross over to the next life. I don't like feeling familiar with the experience. My inlaws are very kind people. It's not easy to watch them go thru this. It's much harder for me than I had anticipated. Knowing that Carol would go thru everything she has with alzheimers I thought I would be better prepared. Clearly there is no way to prepare. I'm saddened for children. They have had to deal with a lot of reality so early in their lives. I grieve that they will lose a grandparent after such a short time together. I look forward to reminding them of nice memories with her though. I struggle to know how to help my spouse deal with the loss of a parent. I resent that I will miss out on a growing relationship with Carol. And I dread the week or two ahead and all the stress and pain it will bring. Please keep our family in your prayers. I'm sure to update you all on any changes.

My day

Two exciting things happened today.

1. I got a new coat. I'm overly excited about my new coat. I have this horrible habit of buying coats that I think are cute but end up being less than warm. Every year I say I'm going to finally buy a warm coat. I've been buying dressier coats for the last few years because I've always had jobs where I had to dress overly nice for work. I don't even have a casual coat. For the last year I've been wearing scrubs to work. I always feel silly in scrubs and a dress coat. Maybe I wouldn't if the coat was warm. LOL. So anyway, finally today I bought a casual coat that is WARM. I had a brainstorm to look for a coat at an outdoors store because surely they would have something warm enough. I am sooooo cold natured. I could sit on top of a furnace and still need a blanket. Anyhow, new coat and new gloves to match make Sara a happy girl.

2. We ended up with 4 tickets to the OU game this weekend. Seems like a few times every year (3 or 4) we end up with tickets. We just happen to know the right people I guess. It seems like we always end up with an odd number of tickets left over or someone we know already has decided they are coming with us (whether asked or not LOL.) Anyhow, I remembered that when Chris and I went to the first OU game this season Brandee asked how we got tickets and that she never is able to get ahold of any. Brandee and I have been saying forever that we will go do something together but it never quite works out with sitters. So...we had 2 tickets left and I asked Brandee and Chance to come along. I would never have guessed they would be so excited! It made my day. And I didn't know that Chance had never been to an OU game. I'm very excited to take them with us. It will be really nice to spend the day with family doing something fun. I'm going to take tons of pictures!

These days...

I've been blogging alot lately. I suppose I have a lot to say. Wow, shocking. Caden's 5th birthday was yesterday and the mid life crisis it has spun me into has not subsided. *Sigh*. Oh well, what can I do? I'm looking very forward to seeing my family and I'm excited to show you my new house! You know I must always add disclaimers when it comes to my home. And here is said disclaimer: Please remember that I have lived here for 6 weeks. I don't know where I put anything when I unpacked. I can't figure out where to hang things on the walls. And I have not yet learned all the nooks and cranies of my house that require special cleaning attention, etc. So you know...work in progress. BUT!!!!!I'm so excited about Christmas that I can hardly stand it. I have Christmas fever big time. I can't wait to put up the tree and put up the lights. I bet you $5 my tree will be put up before Thanksgiving this year. LOL. Most years it's lucky to get up before Christmas is over! I want a giant blow up snowman, or santa or globe or something for the front yard. I want red ribbons and stockings and a constant fire in the fireplace. Oh man. I can't remember the last time I was so amped up about the holidays. I think the root lies in having a new home. A home that is finally mine. I can finally do every ridiculous idea that comes to mind whether practical or not. No one can stop me!! ha ha ha!!! Therefore insanely extreme chrismtas decorations are neccessary! Don't Christmas trees smell wonderful? Mine is fake because I'm lazy and it's prelit, but nevertheless I'm stocking up on cinnamon and evergreen candles!

Just so you all know.......

I didn't post my "I miss my family" blog to any particular person. It was really just a way of me saying that I miss the old days and it isn't the same now. And it was me saying that since my mom's family makes me feel akward I can understand others in the same position. So I hope that I personally have not make anyone to feel akward or like an outsider. I've learned thru unfortunate experience that proximity should not determine your ranking in a family. So if you live far away like Phil's family does, or Meredith does, etc. you are still important and I miss sharing time with you. It really really hurts when things happen in my mom's family that are important and I don't feel included in sharing it with them (even when I'm actually there). Like at my grandma's funeral I knew that somewhere deep down those people still love the little girl I was when I WAS around. I don't blame them for not knowing how to hug me or say personal things, because I had indeed become a stranger. There are things that I do blame them for which are silliness and I should just get over because I do love them very much and it's useless to waste my time on hurt. But I'm not writing this to prescribe myself my own medicine. LOL. JK. I no longer hold on to any hurt or pain. It doesn't mean it's any less akward though. So in my rambling, I think my main point is that I don't want to be to any Sanders what I feel that maybe some of my mom's family is to me. So if I ticked you off or stepped in your toes or said something you don't like....I'm sorry. I don't hurt peoples feelings on purpose, so if I do so I'm unaware of it. Just tell me and I am big enough to make it right. Oh boy. I sure do like to open my mouth don't I? Blame my mother for being so quiet. I had to learn very early how to speak up and it's now an unfortunate habit I can not stop. LOL. JK.

Holidays Are Incomplete Without You

I was thinking about the holidays coming up and realized how different things are now. When I was a kid there were 7000 other people my age running around the house. I felt like I had more cousins than anyone else on the planet. Remember the stockings on Grandma's fireplace? She had a huge mantel and there was still barely room for all the stockings lined up oldest to youngest. Now my kids have 1 cousin to play with. Where did everyone go? Dalton left us. Christa, Tara, and Laura live far away (although Chara did recently join us again) Jason, DJ and Kari do their own thing most of the time. Meredith left us. That pretty much leaves me and Reba, then a ten year gap to Sami and Levi. What happened? I would never have guessed all those years sitting in mountains of presents and playing all kinds of made up games in grandma's doll room that everyone would disappear. Those are some of my happiest memories and I'm sad that we are not all still here or together to continue sharing them. I realize that everyone grows up and makes families of their own. I just can't imagine as a grown up with a family of my own, not including all the people that made my childhood so special. I'm sad for my children. They will never get to have the type of Christmas at grandma's that I had. They will truly miss out. It makes me sad to think about how much of our family has gone off their own way without even slightly including us in their lives or holidays. No matter how fun our Thanksgivings or Christmas's are now I will always feel like they are incomplete.

I haven't been to a holiday for my mom's family in over ten years. That is because I don't feel welcome or included. I certainly hope with my dad's family I haven't done anything to make someone feel like they aren't welcome or included. I suppose I could get out the family book and call my cousins to make sure they know they are missed and wanted at holidays. But I don't want to badger anyone. I suppose each has their own reason for which family to visit and which family to not. In the mean time I am thankful for those of us that do still come together and I'm happy that you will be part of my children's memories of young holidays.

Prayer Request

I would like to ask a very special request of my family. If you have a few extra minutes in the days and weeks ahead I would like to ask that you say a special prayer from my mother in law. As you all know, she has alzheimers. In the last two months, especially in the last 3 weeks she has had a severe decline. The doctor started her on home health care 3 weeks ago. A nurse and physical therapist has been coming out to check on her and help take care of her. Yesterday the home health nurse reccommended that they switch her over to hospice. I'm a bit confused by the situation. Having worked for a home health care/hospice company for 6 months and having had my grandma on hospice, it was my understanding that hospice is used near the end of someone's life. It is at the point which they say, "We can not do anything else to help except make this person comfortable while they remain with us." I think her doctor is not a good doctor at all. His communication skills with the family have been less than stellar. We are not sure exactly what to expect from this point. Earlier this week my MIL was in the hospital. They thought she might have had a stroke so they took her to the ER. She was admitted. Turns out she was severely dehydrated, had a bad kidney infection and partial kidney failure. THey got her patched up and sent her home after a few days. As if the rapid decline over the last few weeks wasn't bad enough, going to the hospital has seemed to impact her greatly. She has taken an even worse turn since returning from the hospital. I realize that her mental state is not going to improve. That is just the nature of the disease. However, she is refusing to eat or drink, talking gibberish and having an over all horrible time. She essentially has no quality of life left. The nurse said to be prepared for anything. We are not sure if this just means her alzheimers is progressing severely adn that she will undoubtedly be worse, or if they are telling us she might pass away. It's all confusing and the doctor has been no help. Chris is not particularly close with is mom, but the way I see it...Your mom is your mom. Regardless of your feelings toward your mom you can't help but have some type of feelings about a situation like this. So please if you don't mind, keep Carol in your prayers. And it wouldn't hurt to ask for a little guidance for the rest of our family too. :) Thanks guys. I love you!
Sara

October Pictures

Here are some pictures from the last few weeks. Some of them are from Halloween. We went trick or treating at the zoo with another family that has a 5 year old girl and a 7 year old girl. It was alot of fun. The rest of the pictures are from last weekend when we were at the farm. We spent Sunday and Monday there. We fished most of the time we were there. Just by looking at the pictures you would think that I took several pics of the same fish. BUT, there is actually one picture for each fish we caught. It was sooo much fun to watch the kids have such a successful fishing trip. Caden caught 9, Macy 5, Chris 4 and I came in last with 2. I can't believe the kids caught so many! They are awfully proud of themselves. Miss Macy actually took her fish off the hook on her own and held them by the mouth with her thumb. Her favorite part was throwing them back in the water. Although I'm not sure the fish enjoyed their flight. They did it all on their own too. Casting, reeling, hooking, the whole bit! It was great. I hope you enjoy the pictures! Love yall!