Thinking too much about growing old.

Seems to me that in most families there is that one person who holds it all together. I often wonder how that person got to that place. I think about my families and on every side it's Grandma. Grandma seems to be the head of the family, the who everyone comes together for. When my Grandma Irene was dying one of the things that struck me the most was that this woman was at one time simply a young mother with 3 children and a husband. Just from those 3 children at the end of her life there were 53 people crowded into her home and holding her hand. It started so simply. I wonder if she consicously came to that position in our family by decision or over the years her good decisions just landed her there. Was it her intention to be a matriarch for us or did we silently elect her because of who she was to each of us? I think maybe I've just gotten extremely lucky to have experienced that with both of my grandmothers and with Chris's grandma. There are people that would technically be next in line for such a role when that day comes but I can't envision that with their personalities. Like Chris's family: His grandma is superwoman. She's the sock ironing, do it all, permanently patient embodiment of matriarch. I wonder who will be that for us when she is gone? What will happen to our family then? If I try to flash forward to the end of my own life I feel like my family will be very small. I have grown accustomed to having a large family and it will be weird to change. When my parents are gone and I'm the oldest generation remaining I think all will have is my husband and children. I have no siblings. So there will be no aunts uncles and cousins in that aspect. Chris has one brother, but he has a mental disability that will prevent him from having a family of his own. So maybe one uncle. Other than that it will just be our kids and whatever kids they have. I feel a little sad about that. In theory I would have 5 children just to keep my family big but realistically that's just impossible. It costs too much to live to have that many children. And while having 5 adult children might be fine I dont' have the emotional fortitude to handle 5 young children at the same time. At least I have the guts to admit my limitations. IDK. I just want to be like all my grandma's one day and hopefully I can make enough right decisions along the way that eventually I will be respected and loved the way all my gma's are. That would be a nice reward to spending a life time hard at work. In the mean time, I do wonder how my families will evolve over the next decade or two. Who will be the ones to step in and keep everyone together or if people will focus more on thier immediate family and find themselves in their own matriarch role? It will be interesting to see how life plays out.

Let's be lake trash

After talking to DJ at Joe's Crabshack the other night I've decided to petition for a return of Sanders lake day. Some of the cousins and I have taken a fond stroll down memory lane and decided we really miss getting to have our family cookout at the lake. I realize that circumstances have changed and it may not be a huge reunion like back then.......but admit it....you have some really great memories of those days. Now, I know, so and so is old now blah blah blah. Old and dead are different. I have such great memories of playing in the water with my 500 cousins, eating ridiculous amounts of picnic food and going home exhausted and sunburned. It's not that I want to go to the lake. We do that pretty much every single weekend. I want to go to the lake with the Sanders and pretend I'm still ten years old, run around like a silly kid, and squirt my aunts and uncles with water guns. LOL. With all the cousins I have you'd think my children would have some more little kids to play with. Lisa, Serena, Tristan, Caden and Macy can't compare to how many kids I was blessed to have around. I guess Jonah will get older and maybe have some siblings. We could try to convince Christa and Laura to move back. LOL. And DJ's twins will grow. I'm not having any more babies........so sorry cousins......it's up to you to increase the bunch! Other than deciding for you how many children you should have to suit my needs.........I'd really just like to cookout at the lake with you guys. :)

Updates

I would like to introduce you to our new home, um, I mean new boat. I tried to take the pic at an angle where you could see it without the old boat behind it but no luck. As you can probably tell the big black ski tower is on the old boat in back. The new one is almost flat accross the top. I have resigned myself to the fact that if I want to see my husband ever again I must do so by being present on the boat. I have a funny story. Earlier this week Chris and I took the boat out to Thunderbird sans children. Chris backs the boat off the trailer and starts to drift out into the water. I got in the truck and pulled it around to park. I walked down to the peir and noticed he was just drifting farther away. The boat wouldn't start and he couldn't get the trolling motor to work. My purse, cell phone, everything was on the boat. All I had were the keys to the truck. Before he got to far away to hear me I yelled, "What do I do?" He told me to run up to the information point and get someone to come help him get back in. I drive up to the place that James used to live right behind. The sign said closed but I walked in anyway. I see a lady chatting on the phone with her cousin and brother and everyone else in the world. There is a nice older couple patiently waiting for her to hang up. After about 10 minutes I got a little frustrated. I made small talk with the couple and said my husband was stuck adrift in the lake. So they were kind enough to tell me to go in front of them and get assistance first. Eventually (it's been about 20 minutes now) the lady hangs up. I explain to her that the boat wouldn't start and the wind was pushing the boat out into the lake and we would need to radio someone or get some kind of help getting Chris back to shore. She was clueless. Not even the first idea who to call. She says she'll call the department of public safety. Calls and they are closed. Now she is out of ideas. She was trying to send me on my way. She said, "Well boaters are usually nice. Maybe someone will stop to help you." Okay lady it's mid March. There is barely anyone else on the lake. Chances are small that another boat will pass. Plus it was after 5. Finally I say, "Can I just use your phone? I will call my uncle. He will know what to do." She looks at me like I'm an idiot and mightily says, "And WHO is your uncle?" James Sanders. Well, she straightened right up. She suddenly became very helpful and very motivated to resolve my situation. Right about that time Chris calls up to the info place and tells her that he only flooded the motor and everything was okay now. I left the situation thinking, "Wow, if we were really in desperate need Chris would have just been adrift at sea all night!" So moral of the story: If you are ever drowning, burst into flames, stranded or otherwise in a pickle at Thunderbird lake don't bother asking for help. Just start name dropping by yelling James Sanders! James Sanders! You will have better luck that way. Too bad that won't cover me at all lakes.

My children are staying the night with Mom and Dad. Chris and I are going to do some Easter shopping and then pack up our things and head out to Watonga. Chris has signed us up for a fishing tournament. Apparently we need to "practice" before our big fishing tournament we do every year with Cox. LOL. He wanted to drive to Watonga in the morning and be there at 5:30 am. I laughed very hard and promptly googled hotels in the area. So we are going to stay the night out there and spend the day on the water tomorrow. Hopefully I will catch a fish or at least start a tan. I suppose the rest of the spring/summer/fall I will either be at work, at a tball game or on the lake. So if you ever need to find me! LOL. Wish me luck at the tournament. I could win a whole fifty dollars!

Be different

I feel pretty guilty about putting all those toys in the trash yesterday. Not because my children have less but because I didn't set anything aside for charity. We always try to give what can be reused to a charity but all that stuff I threw out was truly junk. My children got onto me too for not giving the toys to charity. They are very familiar with the concept that some families are less fortunate than ours and some families are more fortunate than ours. I think that most children grow up with the idea that every other family is just like their own. I think it's important for me to teach my children that others are different so that I can encourage them to be patient and tolerant of people that are not the same as they are. I agree that there are some things in life that our children should be sheltered from until they are the appropriate age to deal with it, however I think that's only for extreme things. I remember being about school age, maybe 5 years old, and thinking to myself, "I know what's going on around me and these grown ups think I don't have a clue." I made a pact with myself to remember that moment and treat my children the way I wanted to be treated as a child. I want my children to grow up in reality. I think it's stupid to shelter them from the real world their entire life and then send them off at 18 to figure it out for themselves. At least by teaching them about how the world really is and how there are all different kinds of people in it I can help them process it and appreciate it. I have yet to see any family that is the same as any other and it just seems silly to let my children grow up thinking everyone else is just like them. Nevertheless, I feel bad about putting the toys in the trash, but they really were garbage. Now my house is so clean I don't want to let anyone else live in it with me!

today

YOu know what I did today? After begging my children (all 3) for 2 solid weeks to clean their rooms with no success I grabbed a box of trash bags and did it myself. I threw away in total ELEVEN trash bags full of neglected toys. And they still have 3 full toyboxes. It's out of control. They are going to learn to respect the things they have or they will have nothing at all. There are consequences for not pitching in their part and for not taking care of the rooms and toys they have been so blessed with. Not to mention disregarding their mother's instructions to clean up. Both my garbage cans are full and the trash man came yesterday so I really hope I don't need to throw away anything else this week! I don't really care that they are 2 and 4. My job is to teach them to do things on their own. Nevermind my frustration over not being listened to.

My point is that it takes all members of a family no matter how young or old to make it work. If one person stops pulling their part it throws off everyone else. And beyond that...they all live in this house and all make ridiculous messes so they need to help clean it. I don't see anyone cleaning up after me.

Vamanos!

I feel quite accomplished the last few days. I'm so proud of my son and how he has grown. It's wonderful to watch him play t-ball and see how much he is growing from my little baby into being his own person. It tugs at my heart to see him be so independent of me, but I try to remind myself that it's my job to teach him to succeed on his own. One of my favorite quotes is "In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings." A lot of times I feel like I'm scrambling to catch up to something I should have known or done before I realized it was time to do it. It feels good to know that we have given Caden the opportunity to get in on an activity that is the right time for him and the right age to keep him in the same category with other kids his age. Moore is a very competitive league (at an older age obviously) and it's hard to get in if you haven't been there from the start. The kids he's playing t-ball with now will be the same kids he plays with through out his entire childhood. DJ and I were talking about that at Joe's the other night. Several champion players have come from Moore and it's just hard to get a fair chance if you don't start at the very beginning which just so happens to be 4&5 year old league. I really like the idea that Caden will get to play with the same team and the same kids every year. Some of my best memories are from being on team with the same people from year to year and growing up together. The thing that I am most concerned about is teaching my son to love the game and to play it fairly. I know the competitive stuff will come in later whether I want it to or not, but for now it's all about fun. The 3 coaches and parents on his team all have the same motivation. Just learn to love it and love doing it. The team we played against on Sunday really made my stomach turn. The coaches were taking it so seriously. The kids were getting yelled at and the poor kids weren't even smiling. Yes, they stood in their spots and behaved instead of picking flowers and playing with dirt, but they looked miserable and scared. They don't even keep score for crying out loud! No one wins and no one loses. It's just experience and team work. Caden plays first base and is used to getting the ball alot. That particular game he played short stop for awhile and then first base toward the end of the game. He didn't get the ball one single time. That's just the way the game worked out. He got frustrated and threw his glove on the ground and sat on the base and pouted. I was so shocked. That isn't like him at all. So we had a nice long talk about sportsmanship and taking turns and not giving up. He seemed to understand the lesson we were trying to teach him so hopefully it sticks. I just think that the whole thing should be light and fun and a learning experience. I'm so glad he's on a team that appreciates letting children be children and that loving the game is the most important fundamental they can learn at 4 years old. In fact Caden ended up on this team because the other coaches are guys that Chris plays softball with we've known for years. One of them just happened to have a 4 year old boy also. Anyway, it feels good to be involved in something with my child that will be a part of his life forever. I'm happy we have gotten him off to a good start. I would have felt bad if we waited until he was older to let him play. I don't want him to burn out or anything at a young age, but ultimately whether he plays or not is up to him. There are a few children that seem so completely uninterested in baseball and their parents are kind of forcing them into it. I wouldn't do that. I have, however, been crazy camera mom and stalking everyone for pictures. I'm aware that I'm being a goof but one thing I've learned is that I'm totally willing to appear overzealous in the moment because I end up with pictures that are keepsakes. Plus I simply like to take pictures and post them all over the internet to share with people. Pictures are useless if they aren't shared with everyone. Who wants a stack of pictures no one else has ever seen before? Anyway, my little boy is growing up on me. I enjoy seeing him out there making his own decisions and following direction. I couldn't be more proud of my little man.

I'm also surprised to see how much Macy is growing lately. In December I was buying her 2T clothes. She had a huge growth spurt and wears a 4T now. 2 sizes in 2 months. Her speech has tripled and she doesn't sound like a baby at all anymore. She is perfectly capable of having a lengthy intellegent conversation. She really blew my mind the other day. We were talking about the names of each finger and I asked her how many fingers I was holding up. Out of nowhere she counted to 10 IN SPANISH! That Dora and Diego are teaching her lots of things. I had no idea she could count in spanish. Frequently she will just say spanish phrases in the correct content and everything. Not too long in the store she looked at me and said, "Vamanos! Let's go!" Caden though vamanos was pizza. I tried to explain that was Domino's but he couldn't be convinced. My children are just delightful. It's incredible to have something so precious to smile about every day.

It's late and my children are still running around crazy. I'm trying to be better about getting them a set bedtime routine. We aren't really "routine" people. We like to go with the flow. But this tball thing is taking up quite a bit of time and Caden has a game tomorrow evening. I don't want him falling asleep in the feild! Tuesday 7:15pm for anyone who's interested.

Caden's First T-ball Game

There has been an adjustment in the schedule. Cade played at 11 this morning and no more games today. Sunday he plays at 1:30. It's at the 12th street fields in Moore. Basically a 1/2 mile east of 12th street on Eastern. The 4&5 year olds play all the way in the farthest back part of the park. The game today was awesome. The kids were so good. It was a lot of fun and really cold. They all did a great job and looked adorable. It was a shining mommy moment for me. Enjoy the pictures.

T-BALL FEVER

For anyone who is interested in watching a little t-ball the tournament schedule for this weekend is as follows:

Saturday 11:00 am (as opposed to the previously scheduled 9 am game. thank goodness!)
Saturday 5:00 pm
Sunday 4:00 pm
next Thursday 7:25 pm

Caden's team is called the Braves. Anytime you think you might like to attend you can see the schedule at http://www.myba-online.com/. Look under the 4&5 year old league. Find the Braves and you should have all the info you ever wanted.

Look for massive amounts of pictures coming soon. I haven't seen the jerseys yet but we got Caden white cleets (Chris says only the superfast kids get to have white cleets. LOL), red socks, little black baseball pants and some red and black under armour shirts. He looks sooooo grown up. With his hair cut so short (which I still find annoying) his freckles really stand out. I had to sniffle a little seeing my little man in his uniform looking so much like a boy instead of my baby. I need emotional support. Ha ha. Anyway, there's all the info if you would like to come out!!!

thank you

Being an adult is so different than I thought it would be. Maybe I spent too much time as a child thinking about how things would be and what I would feel like and what I would think about, etc. As a teenager I thought that being adult would equal limitless freedom. LOL. Not so much. Looking back I think that being a teenager is probably the most free time in life. You are old enough to do everything on your own but you still get to live at home bill free and get money from mom and dad. As an adult I'm learning to accept my limitations. Whether it be financial limitations or parental limitations or just having the responsiblity of working full time, managing a house and a family I feel quite limited sometimes. I'm not complaining though. My life is a direct result of my decisions. If I could give any advice to my younger family members it would be to do college right the first time around. I didn't realize how much of an impact not finishing college would have on my daily adult life. I still hope to finish college, but it will be so much more difficult now with work and family to balance too. I'm not hopeless though.

Recently I recieved a phone call from one of my good friends who called to give me a compliment on my parenting. She was having a difficult time with her friend's mother. The mother didn't give my friend much respect because in that family they didn't view friends as something important. To them only family was important. It really upset my friend. Chris and I teach our children that friends are just as important as family. All of our friends know our children and spend time with them. Our friends love our kids. Our friends are a huge part of our lives and it seems only natural that our children share in that too. Anyway, my friend called me just to say that she really commended us on teaching our kids that friends are important and allow our kids to be a part of our friendships. It made me feel really good to get a compliment like that. In the recent few months I have had several aunts and uncles give me compliments on various things such as how we interact with our kids or just general parenting things. All of those compliments are so appreciated. With just about everything in life the negative is the most commonly thing pointed out to people. It's nice when someone mentions something positive or points out something that you've done well. It's especially nice to be complimented on something that is so important to me as parenting is. For those of you that have mentioned nice things to me lately I want to say thank you. Your kind words have meant more than you could know. Uncle Phil told me that I am so grown up now. I rarely feel like a real grown up so that one really meant alot. I like being able to share my thoughts and life with all of you. I enjoy that my family reads my little journal here. It's nice to put thoughts out into the world and know that others notice. Sometimes I find it hard to have a voice in life so I enjoy sharing my thoughts here. Thanks again for all of you that have gone out of your way to say nice things to me about what I write here or what I do with my children. It's encouraging. I think I should start giving out a few more compliments of my own!