Still holding my breath

Well, I went on an interview Tuesday and got hired. They asked me to start Monday. This was thru the same agency I've been working with. Earlier this week I applied for about 15 jobs on my own that I found in the newspaper. One of them called me yesterday to interview today. I got hired for that one too! Perhaps my luck is looking up. I have always interviewed really well and it's worked out for me this week. After I accepted the first job I was kind of nervous about it. It's in a field that I know nothing about and have no experience in. It seemed a little high pressure also. So when this other place called me I was really crossing my fingers. It's doing something I'm much more comfortable with and would actually look forward to. So I decided that as long as this second offer paid the same or more as my first offer I would take the second instead. I will withhold the details for now since my luck has not been so great. I don't want to update my blog with "I'm doing this now" or "I'm doing that". I'll just see if it works out for awhile first. LOL. Hopefully my bad luck streak has ended. I'm not relaxing just yet though. Out of the two jobs that hired me this week I have picked the one that I think will fit well for me. I had been all excited before because the job I had that lasted a week was so close to my house. Somehow I've had a stroke of luck and the two places I interviewed with this week are equally as close. Actually both are closer by about a mile. The job I've chosen is a permanent position. I applied for it on my own so I don't have to do the temporary to permanent thing. It's not a receptionist postion. Which is great. I'm sick of being a receptionist. Typically the receptionist is the "mother" of the office. In which, she does far more work that anyone notices or appreciates and when she's not there everything falls apart. I'm looking forward to this new opportunity. It will be a challenge. It's a new field for me but I'm a quick learner and I work hard. The best part is that I can wear my business casual clothes (which some of the ones I have are actually really cool) or scrubs. I've always wanted to be able to wear scrubs to work. It's like getting to wear pajamas all day! I suppose that gives a bit of a hint as to what type of job I might be taking. I'll just get into the details later. So for those of you that said a little prayer for me the other day I appreciate it. I have a feeling that God is listening. I am thankful. Keep praying though. Getting the job hasn't been the hard part for me lately. It's been keeping it. Which I'm still stunned by. I've never had a job that I was at for less than 2 years until now.

I will have to remember to post some updates about the kids when I get a minute. Caden has been having trouble at school and that's been quite an experience. And Macy is going thru some really weird phase that is really freaking me out. She gets really angry. Not just like a normal 2 year old tantrum but like psycho angry where her face gets red, she balls up her fists and yells crazy things. I'm hoping it's a passing phase. It's a confusing thing to watch. We don't treat her like that. I don't know where she's learning this. Anyway, I'll post again later. I'm going to need some parenting advice!

So keep your fingers crossed for me. It'll be at least a month or two before I will be able to relax and feel like my job situation feels somewhat secure. I just hope that I fit in well with the other employees and that they see I work hard. I hope people accept my personality and give me a chance to excel there. I guess we'll see!

yuck

You know, I'm just really having a hard time. I've been using a temp agency to help me find a job. In the past this one particular agency I have worked with has been very successful for me. So when I found myself looking for a job I decided to use them again. They are very quick to get my resumes out to as many businesses as possible and set up interviews etc. I was really enjoying this last place they had me at. Today they decided they did not need me anymore. I guess that is one of the risky things about starting as a temp and then getting hired permanently. I've never had a problem before though. Generally I have found a good position, did my temp 90 days and been immediately hired on permanently. I guess that wasn't the case this time. On Friday Caden's teacher called me in the middle of the day and said he was sick and needed to leave school. I handled it on my lunch break and it did not interfere whatsoever with my job duties. I guess that because I answered my cell phone it was an issue. Normally I would never have answered a personal call at work but I did see it was my child's teacher and thought I should see what she needed. The teacher never ever calls unless there is a problem. Anyhow, it ended with them notifying my agency they didn't need me anymore. I thought it was really silly. They said a few other things that didn't make any sense either. I guess it just wasn't meant for me. I have never had trouble finding or keeping a job before. I am actually a very good employee. I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time lately. My dad says it's because we are in a reccession. Whatever the case may be I am AGAIN looking for job. I applied for about 10 jobs today thru the Oklahoman and the agency is looking for something also. I'm sure something will pan out soon but now I have a major case of paranoia. I just don't understand why it's so hard all of a sudden. I'm pretty bummed out. Seems like lately I have so many people telling me that I am just not good enough. I've never really been good enough for my dad. My mom's family thinks I'm not good enough to be a real part of their family. Earlier this month I was fired and told I wasn't the right fit for their company, again not good enough. Now, because I had to be a responsible parent for taking a teacher's call I'm again not good enough. I think it's all a bunch of hooey. Frankly I'm quite frustrated. I just feel side swiped by life at the moment. I could use a prayer or two if any of you have a moment to ask God to help me out. I need to have a job to help my family survive. I need to have a job to set a good example for my kids. I need to have a job to relieve some of the stress Chris feels by supporting us by himself. I need to have a job to feel better about myself and know that I am a productive member of society. I am so freaking frustrated. It seems like the harder I try the worse things get! When it rains it pours or in my case makes a hurricane. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I hope the following weeks are better. I could really use some of God's blessings and a little good luck on my side. At least I know that there are people out there that do like me. I just can't figure out what is going on here. I'm stuck at the bottom of a big pit and I'm clawing to get out. I really hope that things start going my way soon. I'm depressed now. :(

My family

Piece of advice

I'm going to do you a favor and lend you a helpful piece of advice. It's not really a good idea to tell your wife that you decided not to get her an anniversary present because you'd rather save money for a boat (that you do not need and she does not want). It will only screw up her day. LOL. Seriously.....

I love you and miss you

Be still

I'm still thankful for yesterday and the day before. Without those days I wouldn't have made it through this one. I wasn't there. I was in that house by her bed all weekend, but today when it happened I wasn't there. I should have been. I wanted to be. I will struggle with my absence during that moment probably forever. I knew it would be today. I knew that I should be there. But I coudn't be. It was beyond my control. I know that she is at peace. I know her suffering is over. It doesn't matter. I'm still broken. At least for the weekend my grandma was able to have her family. The family she made so many years ago. Not the family we have become in recent years. There was such peace and connection in that house all weekend. Everyone came together for her. She died at 3:00. By 6:00 the magic spell wore off and everyone started seperating again. I'd hoped we'd at least make it to the funeral united. Oh well. For two days I got to be with her and hold her hand and tell her the things I needed her to know. So at least that will bring me peace one day when some time has passed. I still can't believe I wasn't there. I knew better.

Thank you God for my yesterday and for all my tomorrows too

Yesterday was the most surreal day of my life. I spent the day with God. It was an extraordinary day that is so completely different from any other day in my life. I will always remember everything about yesterday. There are a few square miles of earth in a quiet spot of the world that make me feel closer to God than anywhere else. Everything about this place reminds me how amazing life is, that there is meaning far beyond my understanding, and God is only as far away as you make him. I don't know why this place feels so connected to my soul, but it does, and I'm glad my heart has a spot to feel safe. From McLoud exit, past Loves, down to grandma's house, to the cemetary, over the bridge, into Dale, and out a little ways just feels like home. I didn't grow up there. I only lived there for a few years. But every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter and many times in between I shared so many special memories with people that I care so much for. My heart is heavy and my life has changed. I will never again feel as if I am the person I was before yesterday. All of our experiences shape us but some stand out so much more than others. Yesterday was nothing less than a day that God had planned out for my life to happen exactly the way it did.

My grandma's health has been struggling for awhile. I got a call that said, "If you want a chance to tell grandma that you love her and say goodbye you had better do it now." A terrifying phone call to say the least. In the last year my family has encountered so much loss. For someone my age I feel that thru the course of my life I have lost an abnormal amount of people. Most of them my own age. This experience with my grandma has been the most intense emotional experience of my life. For all the people I have lost I have never had anyone in my life go through a "dying experience" until now. I normally am able to maintain a sense of strength. Yesterday I just felt in my gut that any spirit of strength I may possess was out of reach. I drove down I-40 passing the same landmarks, the same trees, the same everything as a million times before. To hear my mother so broken and lost on the phone shook me up. There are times I have prayed, times I have prayed hard and times I have just cried out to the Lord. Yesterday I cried out. Just give me strength. Not a moment of my drive was spent on any thought other than prayer.

I walked into my grandma's house about 1pm. I breathed deep. Her bathroom always smells like Zest soap. Without even thinking about it my nose looks for the smell everytime I'm in there. The way her house smells reminds me of every thing I've ever done in that house or every time that I have been there. My grandmother has been the single most influencial person in my entire life. She is very important to me. I walked into her room and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. She's barely able to move her hands. She can barely utter a word. Her right eye will not open and the left will only open just a little tiny bit. She can't swallow. It was her second day with no food or water (other than a little applesauce with crushed up pain meds in it). Every once in awhile she would call out for her mother. Mostly she just slept. I hadn't heard her say a thing all day until I said, "Grandma I love you." She peeked out of her one eye and managed a mumbled, "I love you too." Her body can not function but her heart is still strong enough to let us hear those words from her. I sat with her. I held her hand. I prayed at her bedside. I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world but right there. I was able to spend some time alone with her, and even though she was barely conscious, I knew she felt me there.

Hospice left a booklet for our family that explained some of the mannerisms or etc. that people who are going through a "dying experience" may exhibit. Most of the things made sense to me. I understood that she was half way in the next world as she is calling for her mother or talking to other deceased people. This booklet came with the approach that someone in this situation has one foot in the next life and one foot remaining in this one. It talked about the journey of facing one's own mortality and how every death is unique. One of the things it listed that people may do around the time they pass away is pick at their clothes or try to unbutton them or undress. The figurative example given there was that perhaps they feel like they have a new life, a new body and they don't need those old clothes anymore. For whatever reason it is that this is a common action it sort of blew my mind. It really reconfirmed to me that there is definately something on the other side. For all the people all over the world through out all time to have this action in common says amazing things. Why if there were nothing beyond this life to experience would the characteristics of someone who is passing away be the same? I guess in death there can be found huge lessons for life. Watching my grandma do the things on this list that so many others do and to pick at her clothes and speak to others already passed on is a very hard thing to do.

I went to the cemetary and stood at my grandfathers grave. He died 18 years ago but I still think about him everyday. I looked at the ground. It was peaceful and undisturbed. As I stood there I knew that the next time I would be standing in that spot the earth would be freshly dug and a big green tent would be overhead. I touched the ground thankful for the solid earth under my hand and cried for Lord to bring my grandmother peace from her suffering and courage to enter the next life.

I could never list all the things that I learned yesterday or the many comforts I found in family that has been so distant to me for so many years. I can't explain the closeness I felt God or the thankfulness I feel for the love that my grandparents have shared. If it weren't for their love I would not exist. Only God creates such a perfect love. It has been amazing to see the crowds of people packed in her little house there out of a genuine love for her and for the life she has led. I am certain that my grandmother has lead a life that has earned her the rewards of heaven. I sat and talked with my children last night to explain to them what they would see today. We went back today to spend some more time there. During my conversation with the children about how grandma has changed but is still the same beautiful woman that has always loved them Caden started talking about heaven. We talked about where heaven was and how soon grandma would be an angel. The last thing Caden said to me about it was, "Mom, we should have some of heaven on earth." He didn't know the magnitude of his words and I agreed. Yes Caden we could use a little more of heaven on earth. I think we can find pieces of heaven here if we open our eyes to it. For me it's those square miles of earth in Dale America where I can most clearly see the wonders God has put on the earth to remind us that there is a heaven.

For now grandma is still with us, but her time is fleeting. I'm thankful for everything she has taught me. I'm thankful for this time we have had together. As far as I'm concerned she will always be here with me whether it's in body or spirit. In two days I have really seen the depth of love and how far it can reach.


Only God creates such perfect love.