When did I quit breathing? Part 2

I can't sleep. I've been lying here thinking about when it was that life started standing still and I was tossed head first into this "review". I stopped working in March. I'm sure that has something to do with it. Being a working mother is completely different than being a stay at home mother. It was a while yet before life got extra emotional. Aha. In May one of our best friends died. The grief that comes along with losing someone so close to you on account that they chose themselves to leave the world (I am not yet able to confront the word "suicide") is wholly different than losing someone to an accident or health, etc. There is such an intense anger and personal guilt that comes along with that kind of grief. I think that is when I started looking around again. Amid all those questions of "Why didn't I see that coming?" "What should or could I have done differently that would have prevented this?" "What kind of friend am I for not seeing that something was that desperately wrong?" It's an experience that can certainly throw anyone into an emotional tailspin. I made a pact with myself to pay more attention to what's going on around me and how my behavior affects other people or doesn't affect other people, for that matter. As a group of friends we made a pact to take better care of each other. I think this is when I started searching. I find that while I'm going thru the things in my head that I want/need to address about my "who i am right now" my friend often comes to mind. I think my grief and my soul searching have intertwined or set each other off or just taken over. Why on earth would I work thru something like my soul journey or my grief journey where anyone can read it? I don't know. I have to have an outlet somewhere. Isn't this something that is more of a quiet, private thing? Blah. I've never been very quiet. I talk too much too often and am aware of it. I've never been very private either. I don't like having secrets. Well, if they are your secrets you can bet your life that I will keep my mouth shut. I don't like having secrets of my own. It makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed of or I'm hiding something. That's an icky feeling. I try to eliminate as much ickyness as I can. So, if you don't care to get personal then don't read. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. And I'm okay with that.

It feels good to have at least an idea of what set this whole thing off. You never know. I thought that maybe I was unhappy about something that I wasn't yet aware of or something. I was getting paranoid about everything. Is my marriage stable? Am I a bad mom? Have I just screwed everything up to the point that I am standing here wondering what has happened here? No. It's nice to have answered those horrible questions. I started searching for answers to some incredibly difficult questions concerning my friend and like most everything I start...went off on a tangent. There is alot concerning my deceased friend that I am not yet ready to face. I can't face "the word". There is an incredible stigma that goes with that word and I just can't attach that to my friend. But I am ready to face myself. So at least I can feel good about that. I just feel like I need to know what's going on around me. I need to be aware of the people in my life. I need to put out as much as I can for the people I love. I don't ever want to feel like a crappy friend again. I don't want to feel like I could have loved someone more or been there more. I don't want to speed past people including myself. I'm honestly trying to fulfill that too. I wrote my grandma Irene that letter. I drove to Norman and visited grandma Euletta today...for the first time ever. I want to learn something from what I've been thru this year that will help me feel like even though something really bad happened I learned a lesson and put it to good use. The pain I have in my heart for my friend isn't just here to torture me. It's trying to tell me something. I've figured out part of the message but I still have a long way to go.

Stupid chores

Seems like every time I turn around I'm learning something new about taking care of my home. I just finished scrubbing all the cabinets and walls and baseboards in my kitchen. This is a stupid chore. I NEVER knew that I was suppose to clean the walls. I mean seriously. They just stand there and we walk around them. It does no good to mop a floor if there are grubby baseboards right next to the clean tile. And it isn't the dirt you can sweep off with a broom. You have to actually get down there and elbow it off. How does this grub even occur. What is causing stickiness on baseboards to the point that I have to buy a special cleaning thing to get if off? And my oh my. The walls and cabinets. It isn't just within range of my children. There were spots and splatters and sticky stuff all the way to the ceiling. Really? We can't even reach up there! If I have to stand on a chair to reach it, it seems like it would be hard to get dirty. Dust I can understand, but grime? I never in my life remember seeing anyone wash a wall or scrub a baseboard. I have lived in several houses and apartments and such. Never ever did it occur to me that this was a chore I needed to keep up with. I just so happened to see a spot on the cabinet and when I started looking around I was floored! This is one of those things that makes me feel like there is a chore conspiracy that is not going in my favor. I think it is silly that such grime occurs and I would like to revolt.

When did I quit breathing?

I heard that your twenties are all about figuring out who you really are etc. Well this is a retarded theory. There is no answer to that question. There is no way to define who anyone is completly. Maybe we can answer who we are right now but that is as far as it goes. We always have the option to change. We can change as much or as many times as we want. There is no definitive answer to who am I? At 20 I was a young single woman. At 22 I was a newly married young lady. At 24 I was giving birth to my first child. At 26 I was giving birth to my second child. At 28, among a sigh of relief, there is nothing new happening. Life started moving so fast that somewhere along the way I just quit breathing. Breathing is mostly an autonomic action. When did I have to start reminding myself to continue natural reflexes? Maybe I was just running thru life so fast that I couldn't catch my breath. For whatever reason led me to this moment, I find myself sitting here gasping for air. I'm not really sure how to approach life at this point. I think my 20's have been a good example at how quickly life changes. For now I have to concentrate on catching my breath.

It leaves me at a really akward point in my life. For 8 years I've been speeding. Now I'm at an abrupt halt. It really is almost like life is standing completely still. You know those few seconds before and during an accident when everything moves soooo slow? I feel kind of trapped there in some random out of body experience where I can see myself from a few steps back really clearly. Like REALLY clearly. Almost like I just met myself or something. It seems like a thousand things run thru your heard in nano seconds then in a blink you just react. I've had the unfortunate practice at this during a few car crashes. I don't think there is any more accurate description of my life at this very moment.

I'm currently amid an involuntary self-review. I've just been thrown in. I guess that is what happens when you take a person, like myself, who genuinely longs for a deeper connection with life and stop allowing time to catch up and think and just breathe. I've learned a lot of new things about myself in the last few months or so. I've thought a lot at what do I want to be GREAT at in my life? Strip away all the pesky little issues the world has in the current day like money and time and means. At the core of my being I think it is my longing to be great at family. Not just as a mother. I've always known my intentions for being a good mother, but at everything I consider to be family. My extended family has evolved drastically over the last decade. I stopped keeping in touch with my mother's family and started reaching out to my father's. Which seems odd because in my childhood it was quite opposite. My friends are my family and I would like my family to be my friends. Isn't that kind of the point? Who wants to share a holiday with some guy you see once a year or some nice ladies you talk to only at family gatherings. Seems like a waste of a perfectly good holiday. I'd rather spend that time with people who warm my heart and we share a genuine interest in each other. It was just a light bulb one moment. Ding. Family. That's it. I'm not creative in a lot of domestic type ways (like Jackie for instance. Very creative.) but I am a very emotional person. I have a great big heart. So I might as well take that and use it for something. Being emotional doesn't have to be a hormonal nussiance. I'm going to put a positive spin on it and use it to my advantage. I realize that I have to add money, time and means back into the equation but now....I can use those things as tools to help me acheive the greatness in the areas that I desire.

Amongst the items on my self-review...children. My children are getting older and I've got to find some new approaches. Whatever is going on right now is not working. I can tell you that for a fact. There is too much chaos. In the random out of body experience I explained before I can see A LOT of ugliness in myself. How did I get so impatient and angry? When did I start letting people including toddlers push my buttons? Probably around the time I quit breathing. I've been watching my son lately. His attitude has gotten ugly. Oh wait. My attitude has gotten ugly and his little personality is reflecting it right back in my face. I'm reminded of a quote by who in the world knows that I came accross a few years ago. I'm sure it's ages old. "Let your children see in you what you want to see in them." Hmm. Yep, lead by example. We've been taught that forever. It's funny how I have lived inside my head for all this time and seem to not be very acquainted with myself. It took a 3 1/2 year old boy to mouth off to me one too many times for me to realize that he was just a 3 ft version of myself. Yes, duh, everyone knows that children just mimmick what they see and act like the people who raise them. Well, like I said before I was running too fast to notice. Freeze frame. I see it now. Okay well that part of who I am right now kinda sucks so I need to fix it. That's a life journey within itself and I'm trying to figure out how to do it before I ruin my child.

I don't really talk to people much about things that are under the surface. I used to all the time. I guess that's just one of the many things I tossed out when I piled on so many responsibilites that I lost myself for awhile. But I've slowed down now. Now I understand that ignoring my "think time" for so many years is not such a good idea. One of the joys of being an only child was knowing myself so completely. No one else was around so I had to get to know someone. LOL. I left behind being an only child for the role of wife and mother, etc and left behind a few nice qualities with it. I think I'll just resume some of those right where I left off.

That's all for now. Football is over and my quiet time has been invaded. Maybe tomorrow.

Ta Da!

I'm taking the kids to go visit grandma Euletta this week. She seemed pretty bummed out about Alice and I thought it might be nice to drop by and see her. Plus I'm really working on getting to know her. She said some very nice things to me when we spoke at the cemetary. She seemed like she would enjoy it if we stopped by so I think on Tuesday we will drive to Norman and spend the afternoon with her. Mom is going to call her tomorrow to make sure it's okay and to see what time is best for her. I hope my kids don't destroy her apartment. :) I will let you all know how it goes.

Challenge Me I Dare You!

Several months ago (May maybe) I had Chris's wedding ring resized. He couldn't decide if he needed an 11 1/2 or 12. So they did an 11 1/2 and said if that didn't work to bring it back and they would do it again for free. What do you know? He needed a 12. I put the ring in my purse and forgot all about it. He's been walking around for months with no ring! I noticed the other day and got insecure. I thought, "He's been taking off his ring!" No. Not so much. I was apparently holding it ransom. Anyhow I finally got around to taking it back in earlier this week. It was ready to pick up today. We were lazing around the house and I got a burst of motivation. I said, "Let's go pick up your ring and get some lunch before the game." The ring was at Gordon's in the mall. Chris swore we didn't have time and he didn't want to miss kick off. I looked at the clock. It was 12:10. I said, "I can have the kids and myself ready to leave this house by 12:40. If I can do that will you go?" He took my challenge. He REALLY did not think I could accomplish this. Little does he know that for me that is just like a typical school morning. I let him think he had won. So I ran some bathwater, gave both kids a bath, blowdried their hair, got them dressed, put their shoes on, helped Macy find her purse (she is obsessed and will not leave the house without it), washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed, put on my makeup, pulled my hair back, put on my shoes and marched into the living room. I pointed to the clock. It was 12:32. Not only did I win his challenge but I had 8 minutes to spare. Mothers can do alot with 22 minutes. I do not think he will challenge me again. :) Then we were off to the mall!

You know what?

You know what? I really like my family. I just had a whole conversation with Sami (well an iConversation). I've never really talked to her before. She is a super cool girl and I really like her. I'm so excited to get to know all my cousins thru these blogs. I love the internet. And I love family. And I love teenagers that don't think I'm too old to talk to. LOL. JK. I'll always be a dork and a kid at heart. Being grown up just means I have bills to pay. He He.

A dose of kindness

I recently decided to take a dose of my own advice. I took some time to tell someone that I care about just how much I love them. This last weekend was Grandparents Day. I just happened to be in WalMart and came accross a card that captured everything that my grandma is. I've been trying to get out to Dale more often lately to visit my Grandma Irene. It's actually hard to go. Not because it takes time or effort to get there, but because my grandma is 92 now and everytime I see her she looks worse. It hurts my heart to see her so weak and frail. She only resembles the woman I know in spirit. She has always been so strong and active. I hate to see her any other way. Regardless of whether or not it makes me sad I've been visiting more often. Since this weekend was grandparents day and I found a card to send her it seemed only appropriate that I take that as an opportunity to send her a heartfelt letter. It seems that every time someone passes away the thing I hear people say the most is, "I wish I had told him/her....." or "I wish I had let them know how much they meant to me." So I sat at my kitchen table and cried while I wrote grandma a letter. I told her everything I ever wanted her to know. I let her know that she is the perfect example of everything a woman, wife and mother should be. I told her how much I respect her and that she is my hero. I said I hope I make her proud and that I hope that I can be just like her. I let her know how much strength both physically and spiritually she has exampled for our family. She is really an amazing woman. So a few pages and a handful of kleenexes later I had a letter for grandma to include in her card. I think that grandma knows how much everyone loves her, but I don't think that she really gets to hear it that much. Even if she already knew I'm sure it was still nice to be told what a great lady she is. I feel relieved now too. For about the past 6 months everytime I see her, when I go to leave and give her a hug and kiss she sits me down, looks me in the eye and tells me that she loves me like it's the last time she will ever get to tell me. There is just something about the tone in her voice and the look in her eye that lets me know that she's making sure I know how much she loves me in case she doesn't get to tell me again. I know she's tired. She has said that she's tired and she's ready to go "home". On one hand it's great to know that grandma is ready and feels like she has lived the life she wanted to. On the other hand it is heartbreaking that may not be here much longer. She's probably the most amazing woman I've ever known. So I put my card in the mail and nervously waited to hear her response. She told mom that it was so nice to have someone tell her such nice things and that she'd been kinda blue and my note made her feel better. I'm just glad I took the chance to tell her how much I love her while I still can. Now, someday, hopefully a long long time from now when she goes to heaven I will know that she knew exactly how I felt about her. It's a great feeling. I can't think of a better way to honor my grandma then by letting her know just how much I love her. I'm always encouraging people to tell others how they feel about them and to let people know they are loved and spend time together, etc. I actually followed thru on my own advice and I couldn't feel any better about it. So today friends is a good day!

It's me again...

No one panic. I can cover it up with a watch band if I need to. I already tested it out. It looks black right now since it's still a little swollen and kinda red. But it's actually a very nice shade of purple. Chris got one too. He's wanted this one for a while. So it was nice to have an old friend in town that would do them for dirt cheap. Yes, I know that Dad is going to have a heart attack. More later.