Just venting...

We have to be aware of so much around us every day. Driving we have to be aware of everything going on around us. Raising children you have to hear every sound and see every move. Going through every motion every day attacks every sense. It gets too easy to switch to autopilot. So easy most of us don't even realize we aren't running the controls. I am turning 28 this weekend and I have had more friends my own age die than I have fingers. On some level I believe that is abnormal. But at the same time it's a jolt back into reality every so often. I think that most of us tend to be more aware of the time we have left with the older people in our lives. Young people "aren't supposed to die" (yeah, whatever), so it feels like time with them is infinite. If there is something that I need to take away from the events of this last weekend is that I need to be more aware of my time with everyone in my life. Not just grandparents or older friends and family. My friends....we are closer than family. We know things about each other we hide from parents or conveniently omit to family. Which is not an invitation for anyone to go asking what I'm hiding because trust me it can't be that interesting. But this group of friends I have, we take care of each other. We need each other. I mean, that's why we have family and friends. We network because we need to relate to other similar people. We need to feel connected. So now, I look around at my friends and we all look and feel so guilty. What could I have done or said differently that could have changed things? For so many years when Chris and his friends left their parents homes and got out on their own I instinctively took care of everyone. Not because I decided to. It just happened. I have a natural mother hen inside of me and if you stick around for too long you are bound to be mothered. That is just how God made me. I know that in reality there is probably nothing anyone could have said or done to change the way things happened. But there is a process to this awful grieving thing and right now we are all stuck at mad, confused, and guilty. I'm hanging onto a little denial myself, but I'm sure that will change once we see our friend lying in state. Things like this change who people are. I already feel different. I don't want to autopilot. I want to notice everything around me. Pick up on the little things. Notice if a friend is hurting however quietly. The only inspiring thing I can say about death is the number of people that surface once someone is gone. You might think you only have a few friends, but when the service starts there is standing room only. We all touch more people in our lives than we could know. I just want the people in my life to know how much they are loved while I still have the chance to tell them. And the only people who have this blog link are people that I love. So if you are reading this it means I love you and you have touched my life. So forget that I need to go to the grocery store or pick up some things at Target or give the kids a bath or whatever. I want to make more time for the people in my life. I suppose that I have the next several thousand years to lie down and sleep. I should use the moments I have to run and walk and play and laugh to the best of my ability.