When I started this whole parenting thing I had a pre-set picture in mind. I dreamt of cuddly babies that coo and fall asleep in my arms. I thought of t-ball and soccer and cheerleading and gymnastics. I mostly thought of babies and teenagers. I kind of skipped that whole 1-10 age in my thoughts. I don’t know why. I guess that I mostly have my own memories from ages older than 10….and every woman thinks about babies. The one thing that I promised myself before becoming a parent is that I would remember how aware of everything I was as a child. I got so frustrated growing up when others acted like I couldn’t understand things or couldn’t see what was really going on just because I was a kid. I probably noticed more than they did. So, I made a deal with myself to always give my own children the credit that they deserve. Now, skipping the 1-10 age in my daydreams, though accidental, has caused me all kinds of trouble. I never knew how difficult it could be to maintain a 2 year old! They are pretty small so it seems easy enough, right? No, not so much.
There are so many misconceptions about parenthood. I blame it on parents everywhere. No one ever talks about how hard it is to keep your cool, or how hard it is to accomplish every day little tasks like stopping at the grocery store for milk. I guess that it is like most other things. After the moment has passed we tend to remember the best stuff. Not talking about how frustrating it can be and how parenthood is a learning experience every day is making young women like myself all over the world feel like we are not measuring up. I didn’t know anything about kids when I got pregnant with Caden, other than that I wanted a baby. Everyone said, “Oh it will come to you.” Whatever! Little things have come to me like how to find the best way to hold down a squirming baby while wrangling it into a diaper because nature forced me to find a solution. However, keeping my children in a basket while grocery shopping, or keeping them in the dressing room while trying on clothes, or keeping them from getting us kicked out of a restaurant are not coming so easily. You hear all those stories about the mother in Wal-Mart freaking out while her child has a meltdown in the middle of the aisle and you hope to God that is never you. At least I did anyway. As my children get older and more able to make choices I am inching closer and closer to being the mom that falls apart in Wal-Mart.
I think that society influenced me to think that my life needs to revolve around my children and anything less than that is selfish. I felt horribly selfish for wanting to go back to work. Staying home everyday got very frustrating and I felt very isolated. I thought, “What kind of mother WANTS to leave her children each day for work?” I thought for sure that made me less of a mom. Secretly I knew that if I went to work then the hours I had in the evening with my children would be much better spent. Since they weren’t glued to me every minute I would more appreciate the time that we have at night and really make it quality time. Going to work every day makes me a better mother. This may not be true for everyone, but it is true for me. I’m also setting a good example for my daughter by showing her that she can grow up and have whatever career she wants and still be a fantastic wife and mom. Some days I do daydream about staying home with them and spending our days coloring and going to the park, but that is so unrealistic. Staying home for me was day after day with peanut butter in my hair and spit up all over my clothes, and bribing my children to let me have a shower.
I think that it is time for mothers and fathers to finally admit that parenting is hard and not view that as a weakness. I had this idea of being a “supermom.” You know, the one who gets up early every morning, gets herself beautiful, makes breakfast, dresses her children, packs their bags, gets them to daycare/school on time, spends a full day at work, rushes home to cook dinner, make cookies and muffins, color pictures, clean house, do laundry, clean dishes, do bathtime, read bedtime stories, and send my children into a wonderful nights sleep…..ALL IN THE SAME DAY! I wish you knew just how hard I am laughing at myself. I have tossed and turned at night and struggled so much over accepting the fact that I just can’t do everything all the time. Sometimes the house will not be clean. Sometimes the dishes will be undone. Sometimes my children will go to bed way past bedtime with chocolate poptart crumbs in their bed. Until recently I have felt that if I leave any of these things undone that I am failing at my job as a wife and mother. It leads to great feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I look at other moms and think that they have it all and get it all done, why can’t I? Well, you know what? The probably don’t have it all done either. It’s time for me to hang up my cape and put away these silly fantasies of being a supermom.
What led me to finally accepting that being less than perfect is okay? Well, for one thing chasing this “perfection” has made my life total chaos. I was thinking about Caden and Macy the other day and thought, “They are so out of control. I have got to get some order back into our lives.” When really they are just being everything that a 1 and 2 year old should be. I am the one that is out of control. I get frustrated very easily and lose my temper. I think this is because I don’t allow much room for error. That is unfair of me. I expect my children to behave and stay calm, but I find that I’m always the one who is freaking out first. So, of course they are going to freak out too! I have realized that every person is different. Every mother is different. Every child is different. So why am I trying to make my little family fit into this ideal mold that is supposed to be “the right way.” If all of these things are different there can not be one solution. I have learned that I am allowed to have my own way to mother my individual children. There are ways that I can parent Caden that I can not parent Macy. They are so different from each other and I can not expect them to respond to the same things. Now that I am really trying to embrace “The Sara Way” instead of “The Right Way” I’m enjoying my children so much more. I still have my moments when things aren’t just right and I lose it, but I’m working on it. I don’t want to program them to be little robots that follow my instructions. I want them to learn to make choices. Everything is a choice. Caden chooses not to eat his dinner. Macy chooses to constantly attach herself to my leg so that I can’t walk. I want Caden to choose to eat his dinner and Macy to choose to walk beside me instead of on me. Children are forced to do so many things. I don’t need to add more to it.
So, I am just going to be an easy going, loving, patient mom (just like I am as Sara) and not torture myself or my children for not being perfect. If you see me in Wal-Mart and my children are screaming or begging for toys and I am just pushing my cart, humming a song and getting my groceries…..don’t curse me for having loud children. Praise me for keeping it together in a stressful situation and for teaching my children by example that freaking out is not the answer. Eventually they will start humming along with me.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Slip and Slide!
I will tell you this, I am way to old to slip and slide. I had no intentions of actually participating in this but peer pressure got to me. I was sore for nearly 3 days. I realize that I am not that old, but seriously...you try and slip and slide! Not to mention that there is always a rock or something under the plastic that nails you in the ribs. It was fun anyway. I am so excited that I have finally found a slide show that is compatible with this blogspot. It has taken many hours and many tries to get a site that would finally work. Blogspot is not that friendly for other sites. There should be link under my slides if you want to go to the site and make some of your own. It was super easy. Enjoy the pictures!