I find myself becoming more and more frustrated with the narrow minds and judgmental nature of other people. I feel that I go to great lengths to be patient and kind with people and I make a conscious effort to not judge. Let me start by saying that I am quite happy with the person that I am and for anyone else who can not love me with all my imperfections then you are missing out! It took me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin and embrace exactly who I am. For the last few years I have finally gotten to a place where I feel like I can be “me” with anyone. I never feel like I have to act a certain way around some people and then another way around a different group. In my eyes this is a big accomplishment. There are some people that never get comfortable with who they are. All of this is leading to one statement: I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME! When you try to change someone that basically says, “The way you are right now is not good enough.” Why can’t people just let others live and manage their own lives? This is mostly directed to some “friends”, some extended family on my in-law side, and a few random people here and there. Since I can not directly confront some of these meanies I will use the power of blogspot to vent my frustrations. If I could get on my loudspeaker (which is basically an intercom system that everyone in the whole world can hear at the same time) I would say……
I am tired of being judged and pushed around and forcefully molded into what everyone else thinks that I am supposed to be. I am a very emotional, sensitive and sentimental person and I like it. I am tired of everyone treating me like I am a bad person because I do not attend a church service every single Sunday. For the first 22 years of my life I went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night of my own free will. I chose to go to a Christian college because I wanted to. I have a strong moral foundation and I have the ability to make good choices. I know right from wrong and I exercise that knowledge on a daily basis. I am a good person and I lead a good life. I am a good wife and a good mother. My children read their bibles and say their bedtime prayers and sing bible school songs. My children are learning about God and good vs. evil. It is obvious to me that people are more concerned with “appearances” than how I actually live. It doesn’t matter to all you judgmental jerks that I live a good life and so does my family. If I didn’t go to church on Sunday then how I live completely doesn’t count. The thing that angers me the most is that I could be leading a horrible life and being a terrible example but if I was in church on Sunday then everything is okay. I am sick and tired of being judged. It is not your place or your right to decide the value of my relationship with God. How I worship is no one’s concern. I am also quite angered that I feel the need to justify myself to all of you that continuously push and pester and rate my life according to your own personal agenda. I can’t say it enough….there is nothing wrong with my life and it isn’t your job to decide if there is. I think that some people are so blinded by what they think is “encouragement” that they don’t realize they have formed unwarranted and unnecessary judgments. So I ask you please to stop and think about how you talk to people or about people and what your intentions are for stating your opinions. It makes me very sad that my worth to many people is based solely on the number of times I sit in a church pew this week. I would hope that my relationship with the before mentioned persons ran deeper than an attendance count.
People that I hardly even know (including family) constantly say things behind my back about how other people need to be a good example for me or how myself or my children are doomed because I don’t go to church every single Sunday. As we all know, things that are said behind peoples back always make it to their face via the grapevine. This is a silly concept. I would much appreciate anyone that has something to say to directly speak to me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever considered the fact that I have a one year old that does nothing but scream and cry 24/7 and a two and half year old that is at the peak of terrible two’s. Now imagine my little family sitting in a church pew on Sunday morning. Macy is screaming and crying and completely unable to be pacified. Caden is climbing on the pews, tearing pages out of the song book, speaking very loudly about how he needs to go potty. Now see Chris and me coming in and out of the service every 2 minutes trying to meet the needs of our children, hear a sermon, and respect the people around us. The entire service is a battle and we leave frustrated, worn out and having learned nothing. This is not an efficient way for me to worship God. Now, picture that it is bedtime. My children are reading out of their toddler bible, singing Jesus loves me and saying bedtime prayers. This is much less stressful and far more beneficial time spent in worship. This is what works for my family at this point in our life. It annoys me that this special time is completely discredited because it is in private. All of these people that have hurt me and judged me don’t even know me well enough to know that our family has this time. It is just assumed because we did not go to a public place of worship that we must be bad people who have completely forgone the Lord. For these reasons I do not even wish to get to know these people better. I would much rather have a small circle of people that accept me and my family for who we are than to worship in a way that only meets everyone else’s needs and be widely accepted. Now you say, “Well there are all kinds of people that have several small children and manage to make it to every service.” Well, wonderful for them. Some families can do that. Mine is not one of them.
I do not wish to offend any of my family members. Some of you do amazing things with your missions and your church. I encourage that. Your work is a blessing to many people. I am simply asking for the courtesy of being able to be who I am and raise my family in the way that I see fit without everyone else telling me that their way is better. I am very confident in my ability to be a good wife and mother and secure in my decisions how to best lead my own life. At the end of the day I find that my life is much more fulfilling when I do not live for everyone else’s happiness, but for mine and my family’s own. I know who I am. I know the true worth of my heart and my spirit. I hope that everyone can see the gentle kind loving nature that I have to offer the world. If anyone is so blinded by my church attendance that they can not appreciate me for who I am, then I am sorry that you can not see past outward appearance. God teaches us to be nonjudgmental and unconditional in our love. This is what I reach for every day.